Friday, August 6, 2010

Random 1-0-1

I do believe all of us feel the need periodically to purge our cranial (and computer) storage systems of those sweet little tidbits of crap that we don't imagine contain enough interesting information to create an entire post...but we also stubbornly don't want to just toss away.

So, hey! Why not compile them into a single, non-comprehensive post and just call it a day? Sounds good to me!

Sometimes when I'm really procrastinating bored, I'll spy the description on the back of...say, the air freshener bottle that says, "Febreze Air Effects is like a breath of fresh air any time because it actually sweeps away those stale and stifling odors and leaves a fresh scent." And I'll think, "Who writes this stuff? I could do this job. "Febreeze Air Effects: You know why you bought it. I'll leave you to it, then." And what would your title be if you were employed with this auspicious responsibility? "VP of Flowery Descriptive Products"? Not to be confused with the lowly "VP of Directions for Use", of course...


I was reading an article in Reader's Digest (May, 2010) the other day. It was about people who are unbelievably frugal...and bordering on being ethically-challenged. Did you know that there are legions of people out there that keep an empty McDonald's coffee cup in their car, so they can run in and get a "refill" any time? I mean, is their coffee that good? Or there's a guy who gets into the movies for free by striding in, holding his eyeglasses aloft and announces, "I found them in the car!" Then he keeps on walking. Cocky SOB, don't you think? Another character re-uses their garbage bags, by manually emptying the contents directly into the truck...then using the bags for another week. I can just imagine what the sanitation guys are saying about these people behind their backs.

There were some helpful tips included, though: 
  • Separate your bananas to keep them yellow longer. Evidently, they produce a gas to make them ripen and separating them will slow this process down.
  • Seal lettuce in a ziplock bag with a moistened paper towel to add days of freshness
  • Shake the excess water off your disposable razor, then dip it in rubbing alcohol and store it in a dry place (do not leave in your shower). This will clean the blade, stave off rusting and add weeks of shaving life. 
  • Halve the amount of soap, toothpaste, shampoo and detergent you use. They say you probably won't notice a difference. (Of course, when I first read this, I thought they meant that we should fill the containers halfway with water. Ya know....water 'em down, so to speak. Then I realized this wouldn't work with the toothpaste. Then I got it. Sometimes, I'm such a knucklehead.) They also say that your clothes should feel just as fluffy with only 1/4 of a dryer sheet, so get out those scissors...you won't look stupid, I promise!
Lest anyone think I'm now all about practicality and useful tips and stuff:

Last night whilst brushing my teeth, I turned around and came face to face with a HUGE centipede:


(I've imported a small-ish photo, so as not to completely gross you out, as I was. You're welcome.) I screamed (as best I could with a mouth full of toothpaste), ran from the bathroom and stood in the hallway yelling, "GUG! OHHHHH! EW! EW! DO GWOSS! IG A GUG! OHHHHH....DO GIG! EWWWWW" whilst simultaneously hopping from one foot to the other and continuing to brush my teeth. (Oral hygiene first, people.) Connor (13) ran in to investigate and ran out (a bit paler, I believe) and then ran back in dragging the vacuum cleaner. He tried to suck it up through the hose but the bastard wouldn't go and he landed on the floor and scurried under the metal baseboard for the heat. When I realized this I yelled, "DON WE EM GO! I'M DETTIN DA PRAY" and I ran for the "Crawling & Flying Insect Spray" I'd picked up at the hardware store. I gingerly stepped back into the bathroom (Connor was guarding the door so he wouldn't escape into the master. Say it with me now, "EWWW!!!") and I managed to haphazardly spit and rinse my mouth. Then, I whipped off the top of that can and sprayed a toxic stream underneath the heater baseboard and ceremoniously popped the top back on the spray can with a self-satisfied *snap!* About three seconds later, we saw the creature slither out from under the baseboard...it was staggering a bit and Connor excitedly yelled, "HE'S BEEN HIT!" But that wasn't enough for me...I whipped off the spray can top and let him have it! Right in the kisser! Or the tushy...I'm really not sure. It would have been a real Rambo-moment if I hadn't been screaming the whole time. At this point, it went into some pretty serious convulsions and that's when I realized I'd still have to pick the damn thing up and so, still shouting, "EW, EW, EW" I emptied half a roll of toilet tissue to gingerly scoop up the remains and flush 'em, Dano. Connor said that second spray was overkill....I think he got off easy.

Finally, I leave you with a photo-op of the truck in front of me the other day:


Gotta love a good sense of humor. Happy weekend, all!

Tinkerschnitzel said...

Ooh, I'm first! That centipede thing was nasty. Honestly, I'm not a fan of anything with more than 4 legs, and even then I only tolerate those with 2 or 4.

ValleyWriter said...

Ha ha ha - you gotta love the sense of humor those septic guys have. After all, it is a pretty sh*tty job...

Runnergirl said...

Euw. and Ick.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Hmmm, I like the dryer sheet idea.
You are so funny!!

Christiejolu said...

I didn't know they had Centipedes in NY....I get those in my house (AZ) all the time...That is a good idea for Bananas...Mine go bad so fast...

Lauren said...

I hate bugs. I try forcing Meeko on them but the idiot runs away. The cat, not the bugs. Good job on teaming up to destroy that sucker!

KellyGrrl said...

Ok - the centipede would have freaked me out WAY too much... I have goosebumps just thinking about it.

And the "dooty calls" CRACKED ME UP :-) Happy Friday!

sage said...

Well, I found another way to save money on razors... And yes, unfortunately, I can believe that people are dishonest enough to cheat McDonalds out of the price of coffee

Carol said...

I would have just moved. Left the house and all the contents, walked down the street with my toothbrush still in my mouth, looking for a new home. someone would take me in, right?

Gigi said...

*wiping the wine off the computer screen*

Can you guess where I was in the post as I spit the wine? (I almost lost it a couple of times, but it would be the Dooty that was the kicker!)

What a quick thinker that Conner is to bring the vacuum! We'd first have to try and find ours. I *know* it was here somewhere.....meanwhile said bug would escape to under my bed - where I'd never sleep again.

Take care of those teeth Kath. You've only got one smile.

Wendy Blum said...

Honey, next time just use your hair spray. It will not only kill those gross centipedes, but glue their legs so they cannot scurry under anything to try an escape from sure death ;) I am so glad I am not the only one who uses nearly a whole roll of TP to pick up gross things. Also paper towels.
Love the DUTTY CALLS septic truck. One of my hubby's friends has his own septic business. My husband was always fond of telling Jeff that he really knew his sh**t. Thanks for the laugh :)

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Why does that bug story sound so familiar....?

*considering source...*

Not wondering anymore. Whenever you said, "Say it with me now "EWWW!"" I totally hopped onto that train.

I was laughed/shouting EWWWW!/looking around for centipedes. Well, technically, here they're scorpions. So. Unbelievably. Freaky.

Holy cow, that was so random and the bug was so disgusting, I completely forgot what else I was going to say......

Yeah, I'm going to have to get back to you.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Just had to add that I was looking for bugs in my bathroom. Thanks a lot Kathryn. :)

Vince said...

I found that when I've gotten something baw-ways the fault isn't mine. For when I can remember where I found the 'facts' in the first place, on a re-reading, that it's not me but the writer.

And how come that 'thing' has antenna at both ends.

Dorn said...

That was one of the creepiest centipedes I've ever seen! Took me a second to realize you were talking with your mouth full of tooth paste. Bout the third read, I felt a little dumb.

An old flame's father owned a septic company. His TV, radio and print ads as well as his trucks always had great poop related humor. "We'll take crap from anyone" was one of my favorites.

Mark Price said...

I'm going to have to side with the bug on this one. I don't generally care for bugs but it is pretty much gettin hammered by your readers. Classic case of adding insult to injury (in this case death by spray then a post mortem drowning). Who knows, in the bug world this may have been like a super-model. So long bug.

Jerry said...

I read the same article that you did in Readers Digest....'cept it was the large print Readers Digest that my Mother-in-Law gets. I didn't have to use my glasses.

I tell you this so you will understand that we have something in common....Readers Digest and well, fear of centipedes.

Alicia said...

Ewww! I hate bugs! I would have done what you did too Kathryn.

I love the random posts. I know I have a bunch of begun posts that will never be ended and I kinda feel sorry for them because they were born of such good intentions and now they just sit there, not growing, not moving on in the world to fulfill their original purpose...Wah!

dailyseeking said...

Once again, your writing has me laughing--which feels good! I will follow the banana advice--since that is a pet peeve of mine. Yellow when you buy them, black when you get home!

Kristy said...

I am so not frugal. I am so into convenience! I have to draw the line somewhere on worrying about things. I cannot worry about being frugal too. :) BTW, thank you for your kind comments at my site!

kathryn said...

Tinkerschnitzel: I totally hear that. The two-legged and four-legged varieties are much easier to tolerate. Don't the bugs understand that now they're in MY territory??

ValleyWriter: HA! Pun absolutely intended! Yeah...they have a hell of a crappy job.

Runnergirl: I know, sweetie. I know!

kathryn said...

Maureen@IslandRoar: Hey, doll! I like the dryer sheet idea too...I wonder if it really works...

Christiejolu: I read your comment to Connor...wow! I had no idea we had anything that was the same as Arizona! I picture you guys with lots of little lizards. Weird that you'd have the centipedes...'cause the internet says they like dampness.

Lauren: HA! Yeah...I got that it was Meeko that runs away. Maybe he's a vegetarian. You can't force him to be something that he's not.

kathryn said...

KellyGrrl: Well, you reacted the same way that I did. First the freaking out, then the laughing out loud. Happy Friday to you too, sweetie!

sage: Yup, I liked the razor one as well. Of course, I'm sure that I'll forget to bring the razor back into the shower. This is the flaw...keeping the razor in another room than where you'll need it.

Carol: Ha! Of course someone would take you in! I have to tell you...I haven't had one bug come in through that wall since I sprayed. I also keep staring at that wall as I brush my teeth...half-expecting to see another one.

kathryn said...

Gigi: HA! (Smiles broadly) That was my biggest fear....that the bug would escape into my room. Yeah, it was great that C thought of the vacuum...but those horrific bugs are really strong! It would NOT go into the vacuum...and they won't go down the drain, either....I tried.

Wendy Blum: Hey! You've changed your avatar....great photo! Hairspray!! Got it. LOVE the idea of their legs getting all sticky...they deserve it! (They're supposed to be OUTSIDE.) Next time, I'll be ready!

Oddyoddyo13: I'm sorry...but I'm laughing out loud at your comment! Have I scarred you? Are you checking around every corner...especially the bathroom? Well, welcome to MY world! WHY should I have to suffer in silence...when YOU can come along for the ride?!

kathryn said...

Vince: Wow....good for you! I find the opposite to be true...when I look back, I've totally remembered it incorrectly. And that thing is abnormal....and gross...and should not exist in nature. 'Nuff said!

Dorn: HA! That's wonderful! As we all know, you've gotta have a sense of humor if you're going to be in that business. And technically, the bug and the septic are related (and not random) 'cause that's how ugly-bug met his demise.

Mark Price: Why am I not surprised by this? You think all those long legs translate to bug-catwalk-model?? Let me know if you feel the same way the next time you find something within a 10-foot radius of your bed...with more than...let's say, 20 legs. THEN talk to me.

kathryn said...

Jerry: Wow. I wonder if we were reading the article at the same time. Wouldn't that be creepy...and cosmic...and well, probably fascinating to only US. I have a firm rule: Outside things need to remain OUTSIDE. If you enter my domain...all bets are OFF. I think this is quite reasonable...don't you?

Alicia: So I say, bring on the random! I figure as long as I prepare everyone for a post with no boundaries, no tie-in and no common theme, they shouldn't be surprised.
Bring it!

dailyseeking: Oh so true. All my bananas (as we speak) are separated. Of course, they're still not being eaten. What's up with that, anyway? If I try and promote eating them, da boys will avoid them all the more. Go figure.

Kristy: Honey, you're very welcome. I'm only sorry it takes me so long to make the rounds. No matter how much I want to...or how hard I try, I'm always behind. And I worry about that!

finallygettingtoeven.com said...

I can just picture your bathroom scene.

When I was younger a friend and I were visiting my grandparents in Florida. (You know, cock-roach heaven) and at 2am she got up to pee and ran smack into one on the bathroom floor. Screaming like someone was sawing one of her limbs off we found her standing utop the toilet bowl jumping up and down. (I don't know WHO was more afraid- her or the bug). Anyway, Grandpa came to the rescue. Gotta love those grandpa's!

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