Wednesday, May 26, 2010

CAOTL

On my way to the car this morning, I saw the strangest thing. Make that the strangest thing(s)….and I found the scene odd enough that I ran back inside to grab my camera…lest someone think I’m suffering from a Kathrynville moment.

Exhibit CAOTL: (AKA Crap All Over the Lawn)


I’ve politely begged asked my nearest and dearest to dig out those specialized, one-of-a-kind thinking caps I’d gifted everyone last Christmas in an effort to solve “The Mystery That is the Crap Strewn All over the Front Lawn”. Let’s see how everyone fares, shall we? I'm sure they can utilize millions of extra brain cells when donning such unique, custom-made, spectacular head-attire:


Bill Gates: “Kathryn, I know Clinton said that the orange is supposed to bring out the blue in my eyes…but honestly, I think he’s just messing with you….and subsequently me. I do believe the white crap in question is the result of 2.825 years of dust accumulated inside a typical PC running on Windows Vista…which eventually crashed, at which time said PC owner took gleeful pleasure in flinging said dusty PC out the window, without bothering to remove the window screen, I might add. Can I take off my hat now?”


Ellen DeGeneres: (Mimics a Julia Childs-like snooty voice) “You’re more than a tad daft, Billie-Boy. It’s as plain as the extra-large teacup on my head that the white lawn crap is the result of an extra-large load of light lint-y laundry. Now, pass the tequila.”



Donald Trump: (Grumpily) “Kathryn, you’d promised me you’d burn this photo. I knew the second that Larry put it on my head that it would come back to bite me. The one time I decide to wear a pink tie and everyone decides that pink is now my color… Clearly, the crap on the front lawn is the remnants from a Playboy bunny pillow fight. It’s so obvious

Another shot of the lawn:



President Obama: “I don’t know what everyone’s complaining about. I personally love my hat, Kathryn. I’ve been wanting one forever. As for the mess in your front yard, I’m imagining it’s from the ticker-tape parade we gave you when you moved into your new digs…I know you said you didn’t want a big fuss…but that’s what you always say. We know better than to take you seriously.”


Oprah Winfrey: “Doll, you’ve somehow managed to find the perfect gift for the gal who has everything! My guess for the white stuff is shredded coconut. I realize it’s rather unorthodox…but Jerry and I had a bet as to who could create the largest ice cream sundae. Mine had hot fudge, whipped cream and 26 pounds of mint chocolate chip ice cream.


Jerry Seinfeld: “Mine had coconut and bananas. The coconut got away from me a little….”


Dr. Phil: “I LOVE this hat! (I hate this hat.) You put a lot of thought into my gift…didn’t you?? (You must really despise me…don’t you?) Is it snow? ‘Cause it looks like snow. (My head hurts…)”



Clinton Kelly: “Why is my hat so disheveled? Did you sit on it? ‘Cause it looks like someone sat on it. I’m gonna guess the white is either sea foam or a couple of swans who met their untimely demise whilst battling over this very hat.”

…And we wonder why we can’t stop sneezing…

Christiejolu said...

So what was the white stuff...Is it those dandelion things???

I could actually hear each of these peoples voices as I was reading! LOL!

Fierce said...

Oh crap! Even I don't know what the white crap is. I think it's because I can't find my damn thinking cap. Hey K-dawg, did I leave my thinking cap with you?

:)
xoxo

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Hehe, so go on, answer the question all of America is agonizing over right now-what IS that stuff??

Dreamfarm Girl said...

Huuuuuuhh-chooo! Oops, there goes MY hat. (hee hee -- fun post as always!!)

Straight Guy said...

Kathryn, it obvious what that stuff is. The scientific term is lawn schmutz.

Carolyn said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Populus_sect._Aegiros

I think it's from a poplar tree, aka cottonwood. They release copious amounts of fluff like that.

Chrissy said...

I've got this crap all over the place, too. I haven't been able to smell since February.

Gavin said...

Omg. The neighbors have this stupid tree that sheds like that. It's like its snowing sometimes. I hate it.

diane rene said...

it looks like what is left over when people change their baby's diaper in the walmart parking lot and leave the diaper on the ground instead of taking it to a trash can ... another reason why I won't shop there, but that's OT

WannabeVirginia W. said...

oh my god, is it snow? Just kidding.

Runnergirl said...

It looks like the inside stuffing of a padded envelope... or have your neighbours got a BAD case of dandruff!?

Bernadine said...

Ok.... Luckily we don't have such a tree in our garden. We only have the ones that sheds leaves all over the place during fall.

Good luck. Hopefully you'll get your smell back soon. :)

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

We had a cottonwood tree in NJ that used to snow all over the neighborhood this time every year. But I like your "friends" suggestions much better. You are a riot!!

Slamdunk said...

I even read Dr. Phil's bit with his Texas drawl...

Kimberly said...

Once again you made a seemingly mundane topic incredibly funny!

Love the hats!

Gay Guy said...

Dryer lint?

Packing peanuts self destructing?

Milkweed?

John McElveen said...

1,000 Duck Farts.

J

uo-chan said...

o.o ......... um the clouds are finally coming from the sky and landing in your yard ? duck fur ? fur from a cat fight? snow?.....i dont really understand this blog ha ha

kathryn said...

Christiejolu: I have no idea what all this what crap is...but I'm guessing it's those dandy-lion things we loved to blow on as kids. Only...why do many of them? And why are they all over MY lawn? (In all fairness, I noticed them on everyone else's lawns as well...but still.)

Fierce: Hmmm...was your thinking cap neon green with rainbow starbursts and glow-in-the-dark detachable mini-frizbees attached to it? (Oh, maybe that was Carlisle's...)

Oddyoddyo13: Well, I'd really thought it was in the dandylion family. BUT, my good-smartie-pants-friend Carolyn has informed me that it's actually from the cottonwood tree (which I still had to look up, 'cause I don't trust Wikipedia and didn't think Cottonwood trees existed in NY. Sorry, Carolyn...you were totally correct!) And yes, they make us sneeze...

kathryn said...

Dreamfarm Girl: Bless you, my dear. Are these your Mickey Mouse ears on the ground?

Straight Guy: Ah! "Lawn Schmutz"...an original phrase obviously invented in a big city. It looks suspiciously like garbage disguised as something Mother Nature would have invented. When there's this much of it, it's hard not to step in it!

Carolyn: Thanks so much for the info! I'd no idea we even had Cottonwood here in the northeast...but everyone knows it now!

kathryn said...

Chrissy: I know, sweetie. It's getting old to always sound like Elmer Fudd, wight?

Gavin: It's gross...and it makes me sneeze even if I'm not allergic to it (which I probably am). I wonder if we can make a pillow out of it? (Maybe for someone we HATE??)

diane rene: Oh, yes! I remember that! When a baby's diapers explodes, right!? It's like little gel-pellets...possible to clean up, too...

Lauren said...

Pollen! Pollen says I! I have no clue. For the hell of it I'm gonna partially agree with Ellen and say exploding lint ball. I also rather like Ellen and Dr. Phil's hat. Can I get a combination of both?

Selina Kingston said...

I can't help with the white stuff as we we don't have such pollen pollution in good old Blighty (she lied) the ever green and pleasant land...

Loved your guests though and could actually hear their appreciation of your gifts.

When Pigs Fly said...

That awful fluff that floats down from the trees, we get that all over here. I hate it. It covers everything and then makes us all sneeze. Ah, the great outdoors.

Tinkerschnitzel said...

It's definately cottonwood fluff. My neighbor has 5 or 6 of them in his yard, and we're all highly allergic to them. They clog up the AC too. :(

Carol said...

Seriously, these people and their trees and pollen, it's margarita salt that the good margarita salt people spilled when they delivered to your new place for the big margarita party we are gonna have. We are aren't we? Otherwise I totally sent them to the wrong house.

BlackLOG said...

Looks like your grass has a severe case of dandruff. Cover it with “Head and Shoulders” * and wait for the next large down pour....

* Dandruff shampoo. I know how literal you guys can be, so it’s probably called something else in the States like “White bit remover” or “No more Flaky bits in your hair” shampoo

Lynn said...

I'm thinking Cottonwoods. We have 'em at home, and they make the dandiest mess. Sticky, too. Bleh. At least they were good for blog fodder. That's something!

kathryn said...

WannabeVirginiaW: Believe me...at first glance, it sure lookslike snow. Once you start a'sneezing, though...you know it's NOT!

Runnergirl: Oh, these were 2 GOOD ones! Lovin' the envelope-padding one...damn sorry I didn't think of it!

Bernadine: The odd things is that I've no idea which tree is the culprit...it's not like I ever noticed a tree with snow all over it, so it must've traveled pretty far in the wind. I'm glad I photographed it when I did, 'cause it's almost all gone now...like snow!

kathryn said...

Maureen@IslandRoar: Was it your cottonwood tree? 'Cause if it was, I'd imagine you'd find big wads of those things dumped in your mailbox every year. They're everywhere!

Slamdunk: HA! Then I've achieved my goal...'cause I was hearing the exact same thing!

Kimberly: Thank you, sweetie! High praise....glad I could make you smile.

kathryn said...

Gay Guy: Hey you! Dryer lint? Nope. Packing peanuts self destructing? Sorry. (Loved this one, though) Milkweed? Milk what? Are you a country boy, boy?? Is milkweed anything like cottonseed? Crap. Now, I've forgotten the answer....(2nd glass of Cloudy...sue me.)

John McElveen: Oh, God....I can actually hear every single one of them.

uo-chan: You win for the most original guesses, sweetie! I specially like the cat-fight one! Sorry now that it was just some stupid cotton-tree...

kathryn said...

Lauren: You're a hoot, ya know that? I'm going to ask Ellen and Dr. Phil (and hell, maybe Oprah too...why not?) to create a one-of-a-kind, Lauren-original creation. We can only hope you can still hold your head up with all that metal...

Selina Kingston: Aw. They're really quite annoying, in all their verbal-ness...don't you think? Oh, how lucky thoust is to live in such an ever-green land! How I do envy thee!!

When Pigs Fly: Hey, Jen! How about you and I create a bubble? You know...outdoors...but NOT? We'll only let in what we WANT to come in. 'Kay?

kathryn said...

Tinkerschnitzel: Oh, joy. Taylor (18) has one of those window fans that pulls in the outside air? Only now it's gunked up with those cotton-things. And yes, "gunked" is so a word.

Carol: WOW! How did you find Margarita Salt People to deliver such....LARGE....salt? I mean, really!?! I'm online now ordering extra-LARGE margarita glasses! YAY!

BlackLOG: Um...duh. We have dandruff here too, ya know. Of course, it's totally under control...and I'm considering re-naming it "Head and Scalp"...'cause what do shoulders have to do with it, really?

Lynn: Hey, sweets! Yep...cottonwoods. I'd no idea...never saw such a mess before. Sticky? Check. Thank God for lawn mowers, or those trees would be reproducing EVERYWHERE!

TC said...

I thought it was cottonwood. Coming home from Kansas City last week I saw what could have been snow except it was like 80 degrees, that cuts down on the potential for snow. I presumed that was cottonwood fluff too?

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