Monday, April 12, 2010

...A Little Bit of This

It’s time once again for me to purge my muddled brain of any and all random thoughts. This bona fide condition (muddled brain) leads to many, many Post-its in shades of yellow, pink, orange, blue, green and purple. Right now, my wall looks like the Lucky Charms Leprechaun threw up all over it.

…and, that would be random fact #1.

Random fact #2 is a fact that some of you may not realize: According to the top allergist in The Hudson Valley, I am allergic to everything found in nature. This includes (but is not limited to) cats, trees, horses, grasses, dust, ragweed and something called “alternaria”, which I believe is allergist-lingo for an Alternate Universe…(which is probably one universe over from Kathrynville… “Just take a left at Alternaria and then it’s straight on till you hit Kathrynville, suckah.”) and something else called “dock/sorrel”, which I believe is Irish for “Don’t be sitting on any docks in the county of Sorrel, or you’ll be a-sneezin’.” (When you say it in your head with an Irish accent, it sounds good, right??)

Anyway. The allergist said I should drive with the windows shut, I should sleep with the windows shut and I should hold my breath from May through July.

Then, he proceeded to give me these handy-dandy notes to remind me:


So. As we can plainly read on page 1, item#1, I have “Real Allergies Avoidance” work to do. None of that fake-allergy crap for me! This is serious business. Then there’s a bunch of crap I can’t read and then it clearly says “DROID”, which I personally find quite offensive…because it’s not my fault if Benedryl makes me all woozy and robot-like.

Then there’s something about “1 Alka-Seltzer”, “willows dozed” and “molemwork”, which may be code for “You can’t go to work during these months and you must stay home in your house like a mole and play”…but I could be wrong.


Here’s the back:


Clearly, I’m to “Let…Arial…house…around…molt…removable” and “consider…Plavix 5mg?…fairly amended” or consider moving to "Mexico" or becoming a "Pulpwood DDS", which I believe is some sort of tree-dentist sub-specialty.

So, as you can see…I’m one sick little puppy…in the allergic kinda way. I don’t drive with the windows closed…as a matter of fact, I’m known to drive with all the windows (and sunroof) wide open and the heater on high…just because I’m a grown-up and Dad can’t tell me to stop heating the neighborhood….and really...what do these doctors know, anyway??

Now, I’ll just sit here and wait for Chrissy and Maureen to tell me what he REALLY said. (It’s great to know people in high places…)

PS: To everyone who was kind enough to offer their birthday wishes, I say “Tank woo…ib’s pnibse to pee so lobed.”

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

OMG, I'm laughing seriously out loud now. I can decipher parts of this, but it's really bad!! Docs just crack me up. I can remember checking with every other floor nurse, the hospital pharmacist and other docs, before going with some orders.
Clearly you are having a tough spring!!!! My sympathy....xoxo

Oddyoddyo13 said...

W-O-W. I couldn't read that if my life depended on it. At least you could GUESS!

diane rene said...

thanks! I needed a good hearty laugh this afternoon. I hope you feel better, cuz allergies bite the big one!

Kimberly said...

That's just so wrong ... that we put our health in the hands of someone who never mastered first grade handwriting. :) My six year old can write better than that! Too funny!

Stock up on tissues, my friend. And keep riding with those windows down!

MJ said...

LOL - I was deciphering it then reading your interpretation & cracking up and soo could see why even the Pharmacist have to call the docs for clarification!

ValleyWriter said...

Clarinex, Maxiar & Pulmocort? Did I get it right? Did I, did I?? I swear, I should be a pharmacist - or maybe a doctor. Sure would be nice to get away with that kind of terrible handwriting and still make the big bucks!!

injaynesworld said...

"...my wall looks like the Lucky Charms leprechaun threw up all over it."

What great imagery. I love that line.

ValleyWriter said...

Oh, most importantly (I can't believe I missed this on the first post) - Happy 29th Birthday!!

Gigi said...

Oh Kathryn - I feel your pain (as I sit here with my eyes streaming - is it from the hilarious-ness of this, my allergies, or a combo of both?).

And just how, Missy, did I not know it was your b-day yesterday!? Somehow this must be Hubby's fault! He will pay....

Anyway - Happy Belated Birthday!

Jerry said...

3 shots twice a week -- that is 6 allergy shots a week I took for two years. (That is 52 x 2 x 6 which equals a hell of a lot, especially when needles scare me.) Didn't do a thing for me.

Thank you for relieving my allergy misery with this dose of humor.

Christiejolu said...

That sucks...finally warming up and now allergies!

Boy your doc is really bad. I think I saw the word horse and the word Mexican in the second one WTH??? lOL!

Hope you feel better soon!

Carol said...

Ok Kathryn, here is my professional medical opinion:
Where you saw droid I saw avoid, all, windows-alot and something about leaving work.

The second note
cat-avoid
horse-avoid
mold-remove mold
Then,
Consider:
cleaning nix 5yrs (no cleaning for you)
Mexico every 4 hrs as needed
And I think the last thing was sexual- dirty old doctor!

Just my professional opinion from watching Dr. Oz, we're tight you know.
Feel better soon, but don't wish spring away!

Lynn said...

Maaan! Allergies stink. I'll sympathy sniff along with you. Feel better now?

But I love that you can find the silver lining in these notes.

Yeah, their handwriting is bad. And, through my work, I hear them. For hours. And they mumble. It's like their handwriting and their mouths are in sync. Bleh.

Fierce said...

Are you sure that guy's a real doctor? I see nothing remotely medical in any of those notes. There's a lot of really random stuff which leads me to assume the good doctor is actually from Alternaria, or maybe even Kathrynville; although his choice of paper (i.e. NOT post-its) suggests that he is not a resident of the renowned Kathrynville. Oh well, at least it makes sense to you; that oughta count for something.

Lauren said...

lol I'm so sorry.But if it makes you feel better, I'm pretty sure it says 'avoid' and not 'droid'. I hope Spring passes quickly for the sake of your allergies.

Dreamfarm Girl said...

Classic! This is just so perfect. I feel your allergic pain, Kathryn. And I'm sorry I missed your birthday -- happy happy! I hope the pharmacist at least can read it. maybe it says you must go to Mexico for relief! Hmmm, does health insurance cover that?

Collette said...

I think I deciphered part of the first page (which you won't like). Avoid-alc(ohol)
windows closed
no lawn work
Well 2 out of 3 ain't bad.
My allergies aren't as bad as yours, but I pretty much take benadryl everyday, usually twice. But it doesn't make me sleepy like it does to "normal" people. LOL! (((HUGS)))

Slamdunk said...

I drive around with the heat on and the windows down myself. It works for me...

Gavin said...

Oh wow...I could drive myself insane trying to read what that says. Allergies suck though. I'm sorry they seem to hate you. ): Don't they know that you're awesome and should be left alone?

Bernadine said...

Hi Kathryn

Yes doctors seem to write like crabs sometimes. You just can't read what they've written and how pharmacists get to read what they've written is unbelievable. :)

You should enjoy your day. :)

Gillian said...

Hey K!

Sorry to hear about all your allergies...that sucks. What sucks more is that your doctor is dyslexic.

Chrissy said...

Sorry, I can only read eyeglass prescriptions!

Tinkerschnitzel said...

Allergies suck! I can say this because I spend half the day coughing and sneezing. So do my boys. I see to avoid cat, horse, and mold. Huh. After trying to read the handwriting of a 5 year old, this isn't too bad!

JD at I Do Things said...

I hate it when my doctor assigns me molemwork.

This reminds me of Dave's upper endoscopy. We talked with the doctor afterward, and Dave, in his still-befuddled state after being anesthetized, kept trying to read the LATIN directions on the scrip. For all I know, he was supposed to do molemwork too.

Spot said...

I'm with you sweetie! I was told the only things I'm not allergic to our wool and saltwater. So I guess I could live on a boat and raise sheep?? Or I could live in the middle of the freakin woods and cornfields and sneeze myself silly most of the year. Yeah, I picked that one. Much sympathy to you and your runny nose!

Doctors handwriting cracks me up. And I loved the line about leprechaun vomit!
♥Spot

KellyGrrl said...

I hate doctor notes!! They are always impossible to read!

Adele said...

OK, I'm starting to think they ACTUALLY teach that kinda handwriting in medical school. Yeah, I can already imagine the professor saying: "So, you all have to study all of the muscles and bones and nerves and other stuff in human body (eeeeven the teeny-tiny ones) by Friday and THEN... [the voice gets quiet, scary and mysterious] ...on Monday, it's your HANDWRITING EXAM!" And then all the students gasp in horror and tremble like puppies.

Um, yeah, I'm sure it's like that ;D

Kristy said...

That's hilarious! Is your doctor's personality as quirky as his handwriting? It makes me picture a very odd fellow.

lifelove'n'wine said...

Aw, I'm sorry you're not feeling well. At least the doctor gave you all of those helpful notes!

Tina said...

I hope you'll feel better soon. I said "Don’t be sitting on any docks in the county of Sorrel, or you’ll be a-sneezin’" in an Irish accent, but it sounded the same to me...

The Clean White Page

Murr Brewster said...

I think that last bit says "Pubicoat." I'd look into it.

Wendy Blum said...

OH CRAP!!! I forgot to wish you a most Wonderful Birthday, yesterday!
It was an accident and hope you can forgive me cause I truly hope you were treated like the Queen-eth you are-eth, Kathryn =)
No wonder prescriptions get so messed up! HTF are we mere mortals supposed to make sense of that chicken scratching?! Never mind the pharmacist. Sheesh, that's THE WORST HANDWRITING EVER!
Though, no one here should be surprised that you were able to decipher your prescription. C'mon, we all know how multi-talented you are ;) And who wouldn't want to go to Mexico?? Although, I thought it said eat Mexican food. And it seems that you are to buy-eat 4 enchiladas. Certainly hope you're not allergic to anything spicy. Of course, after 4 enchiladas, you may have to get a scrip for some Prilosec. Acid reflux is not a game, Kathryn ;)
I swear this was too hysterical XD
Once again, you made me seriously LMAO. Thank YOU =)

Straight Guy said...

Take license to do whatever you want and blame it on him. "Schnapps" "Mexico" "Hot Tub" "Wahlberg"

Make your own prescription out of that.

Straight Guy said...

Oh. Happy Birthday.

Alicia said...

I spend all day long making sure every single word I write is legible and every word I type is spelled correctly in order to avoid an E&O issue and doctors just write willy-nilly whatever they want and it's ok...and they make more money too! Not fair!

Vivianne said...

Its really nice that people can translate the Dr's note for you. MAYBE he was just writing some jibber jabber and it doesn't really say anything at all. I'll write you a note: Boibna a;lkjr a #2a ,lzsekrjc awn Kdk ijr*
#3 kdj val_Jak jalrkf +KL alrkjg alk>
Now, don't you feel better?

Kingsmom said...

I totally read that as:

1. For a real good time

2. Drink & Repeat: Tequilla/Gin/Whiskey
Mix w/: ginger ale, coke. 7-up
Avoid: Absolute, whole olives,?

Blah, Blah, Blah in Mexico every other weekend.

kathryn said...

Maureen@IslandRoar: Unbelievable! I suppose it's taboo to keep running back to the doctor w/questions, but yikes! Not the place you wanna make a mistake!!

Oddyoddyo13: Oh, I'm a fabulous guesser. I don't know how safe that is when we're talking about personal health, though!

diane rene: Thank you! We've had rain for the last few days, so it spells r-e-l-i-e-f!

kathryn said...

Kimberly: HA! Thank you! I think I'd feel safer with your first-grader writing my next script than this guy.
Windows down...heat on! Yeah, baby!

MJ: I KNOW! It's pretty scary, right? I'm getting the impression that this guy was particularly bad. I wonder if somehow it makes 'em proud when no-one can read a thing they write...

ValleyWriter: Oh, you're GOOD...in too many ways to mention. First, for realizing it's my 29th birthday. I'll always love you for that. 2nd, you've gotten at least 2 out of 3 correct...not sure about the Maxiar...but you could be right. I'm honestly not sure!

kathryn said...

injaynesworld: HA! I'm glad you liked it. I tend to refer to that leprechaun more times than I care to remember. I wonder why? Hmmm.....

Gigi: Thank you, sweetie! I appreciate the wishes...and no need to put a hit on hubby-you're just on time! My birthday is April 12th!

Jerry: Ouch! You've reminded me that I also had allergy shots as a kid. I really do not remember if they did any good. I wonder: Do they still DO allergy shots?

kathryn said...

Christiejolu: HA! So, you're seeing the same words that I am...I don't know whether that's good or not! Yes, "horse" is def. in there...'cause I remember him saying that I was allergic to them. I never realized...

Carol: LOL! Loved this! Okay..."avoid"...I suppose that makes more sense! Gee, I'm glad I got the "Mexico" part right...and I thought he was a little too friendly. (JK!)

Lynn: HA! Really? They speak as poorly as they write? This is definitely not good. I mean, they've gotta communicate effectively somehow, right? Thanks for the sympathy sniffle.

kathryn said...

Fierce: Oh, you're too funny! I'd guess he's formerly from Alternaria, by that handwriting. And my take on his notes are not always the safe alternative, ya know?? (I like the way you think, sweetie!)

Lauren: HA! I think you are right, sweetie. (But, it looks like DROID, doesn't it?) I'm so used to the whole Elmer Fudd thing, it doesn't bother me so much.

Dreamfarm Girl: You didn't miss my birthday...you were right on time! Gee, maybe I'll just bill health insurance for the trip and see what happens! What do you think??

kathryn said...

Collette: Oh, NO! Avoid alcohol? That CAN'T be right! Check again...you must've misread it. That's great that the Benedryl doesn't numb you out...I'm truly zombie-like when I take it.

Slamdunk: I love doing that! It's the best of both worlds. Especially with the sunroof open...kinda like being in a convertible!

Gavin: Aw. How sweet are you?? They're really not so bad. Although, this guy's handwriting certainly is!

kathryn said...

Bernadine: HA! "Doctors write like crabs"....I love that! It's so true...I'm surprised more people don't have major problems from mistakes, though.

Gillian: Hey! HA! Ya think so? I wouldn't doubt it...it's as good an explanation as anything else!

Chrissy: HA! Oh, well...not that it matters anyway. Honestly, I probably wouldn't follow his advice anyway.

kathryn said...

Tinkerschnitzel: You did extremely well, sweetie! I'm glad it's not all chicken scratch to you...

JD at I Do Things: HA! Molemwork is the pits, right? Poor Dave...how stupid is it that a doctor would even expect Dave to understand English at that point, much less remember any of it?

Spot: Oh, just another thing we have in common, unfortunately! Love the idea of living on a boat and raising sheep...probably not too practical though.

kathryn said...

KellyGrrl: Totally. The problem is, they're writing it for US. THAT'S what worries me!

Adele: I LOVE your visual....I can totally picture it! Yes, they'd be teaching all the girl-doctors how to mess up their already perfect handwriting...to be replaced by something that even THEY can't read!

Kristy: YES! He is rather quirky (that was a very nice way to put it, sweetie) now that you mention it. Rather wiry and definitely amusing.

lifelove'n'wine: Uh-huh...for all I know, he's ordered me to head to Mexico and lay on the moldy beach. Wait. That can't be right...

kathryn said...

Tina: HA! You are too funny, sweetie! (I DID think of you when I wrote that line...I really did!)

Murr Brewster: Uh-oh...that doesn't sound too good. I wonder if that's a verb or a noun? HA!

Wendy Blum: YES, I had an excellent birthday, thank you! And your kind words are too sweet! Yeah, I can do the Mexican food as well! I'm just gonna take everyone's suggestions and try 'em all! How hard can it be?? (-Eth?)

kathryn said...

Straight Guy: Oh, yum. I can definitely work with that! Thanks for giving me such free license! (I wonder if I could use the same license with his prescription pad. Hmmmmm...) Thanks for the wishes, SG!

Alicia: Hey you! It's totally not fair! If it makes you feel any better, I'd totally follow your written instructions way before his! I'd probably like yours better, too!

Vivianne: Wow! That was really nice of you to write me a script for some Tylenol#3's, some Russian vodka (gee, never heard of that brand)and...some kind of laser therapy??

kathryn said...

Kingsmom: GOT IT. Finally. Someone who seems to have really understood this note. Thank Gawd! Although...no...no olives? Are you absolutely sure???

~:C:~ said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That totally looks like my handwriting (which not even I can read). : p

kathryn said...

~:C:~ No! Are you serious?? This can't be! You're a teacher, for God's sake!

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