Sunday, March 7, 2010

Hello? Not Funny.

I’m trying to not let it bother me. I can even go for blocks of time without it even hitting my radar…but then…there it is: Slowly, bit by bit…year by year…inch by inch…I’m slowly falling apart. Now, I’m not talking about psychologically falling apart…(insert self-depreciating joke here)…this is much more subtle.

I’ll give you an example: something’s happening to my handwriting. I used to have beautiful handwriting…all swirly and easy to read…almost a teacher’s handwriting. I even got compliments on it for a while there…remarks like “Wow. You’ve got the Angelina Jolie of handwriting there. It’s breathtaking," they’d swoon. Nowadays, I can barely make out my own cryptic scrawls. I'm still trying to figure out what “pug gu ChgtE” means for March 4th. I’ve honestly no idea and no-one’s called to tell me I’ve missed anything (my backup hope when this happens…I wish I could say that it doesn’t happen often enough to require a backup plan, but there you have it.) At first, I thought that I just wasn’t taking the time to write slowly, but that’s not it. I simply don’t seem to have the coordination to write neatly anymore. Maybe I’ve got some rare neurological disorder.

Yeah, I know…I need to be studied…

Then there’s the issue of The Raccoon Eyes. Somehow, my eyeliner is melting away from where I want it to be and is settling a good quarter of an inch below my eye…(“waterproof”, my arse! Although, I have to admit that the "waterproof" aspect of it seems to kick in when I try to wipe the offending black smear away with a kleenex in the ladies room...then, the stuff is like freakin' cement.) This never used to happen. I’m using the same liner, so it must be ME. Either that, or it’s a conspiracy between the cosmetics company and the mental health industry to deliberately undermine my self-confidence by making me look like I haven’t slept in four days (or like I’m putting my makeup on in the dark), thereby causing me to spend hundreds of dollars on alternative cosmetics to correct said problem, in addition to the thousands of dollars for additional therapy/medication/liquor to get to the root of (or to run away from; hence the liquor) my obvious self esteem issues.

And while we’re on the subject of my face: Lately, I’ve noticed that after a lengthy phone call (usually with my holding the phone in place with a shrug of my shoulder, thereby leaving my hands free to type, wash dishes or pull stolen tissues out of Metro’s mouth) I’ll hang up the phone and if I’m walking past a mirror, I’ll notice that I have the imprint of the phone on the side of my face. (This alone would be enough to alarm the average woman, but it gets worse.) This…"phone-stencil", if you will…will hang around for sometimes as long as 30 minutes…despite my poking, prodding and assorted kneading of the affected area. It seems that the circular mark from the “menu” button is the last to fade away, making me look like I fell asleep at my desk with a quarter wedged into my cheek. So, my skin has now become not unlike the Dormia Mattress, except that with the mattress the imprints fade away after a minute whist my skin seems to need a good part of the day to bounce back to it’s pre-telephone elasticity.

I figure none of this can possibly be good. However, I also feel that to face it head on…to accept and STARE DOWN the passage of time with strength, determination and dignity...may be more than I’m willing to handle at this time.

So, if you’ll excuse me…I’m off to buy another phone.

Jenny said...

Dude. I am going to tell you a true story now. Not 10 minutes ago, I was standing in my bathroom mirror trying to remember when the heck I got punched in both eyes. This never used to happen. What's with these dark circley Uncle Fester shadows I'm sporting? THIS NEVER USED TO HAPPEN!

And don't you know I then came to wind down for the evening to catch up on some recent blogawesome and here you are, speaking into my very soul! Call the bomb squad my friend because you just blew. my. mind.

BlackLOG said...

Don't worry about the handwriting, think of it as graduating from being a teacher to being a Doctor.
I'm proud that I have handwriting so bad that if I was a doctor I would be responsible for claiming about 95% of my patience through dispensary errors (leaving me more leisure time)

Can't say I've ever had problems with my mascara, only worn it once (rocky horror) and the rest of me was so frightening the mascara was the least of my worries

As for the phone, get one with a hands free option or an even better idea (I'm on fire at the moment*) someone to do the dishes if they can multi-task they might be able to retrieve the tissues out of metro's mouth. Hmm since they are now super moist they might help out with the mascara problem....

* No, no, I really am. Please risk an imprint on your face and call the fire brigade.....You can have your pick of the hunky ones, just let them put me out first

Runnergirl said...

I've discovered recently that at the ripe old age of 33, I've start getting old lady smoker's lips. You know? Where your lipstick starts bleeding into the minute cracks between your top lip and your nose? And that was despite using lip liner.

I've never even smoked properly either, so I'm not sure why this is happening.

Also - eye shadow now has a tendency to migrate (god knows how) from the lid of my eye to under my eye, therefore giving me a haunted look. Or the look of someone whose make up has been applied by a 3 year old.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

just buy a phone sock - sorted!

I have a problem with my macaraed long lashes that leave little black dot imprints on my eyelids..I have to keep wiping my two index fingers just under my brows during the day otherwise I look like a fekking dalmation who's been punched in the eye.

Felicity Grace Terry said...

Would it help/would it be lying if I was to say cheer up it could be worse. Pity the panda look is liner related, for ages I had the same problem with mascara then I discovered dying them was the answer.

The Shitty Astrologer said...

Don't worry Kathryn....we're ALL tobogganing down the other side together! Throw your hands in the air and scream "Weeeeeee!"

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh, I hear you!
God forbid I fall asleep on a wrinkled pillow. I'll wear the marks half the morning.
But underneath that baby? No one can beat us!

Mark Price said...

I am off to check my makeup. Hmmm, nope, I still look fabulous! But these jeans make my ass look HUGE!

KT said...

Simply, =(

Unknown said...

Kathryn, dear - it's a sign from the Cosmos that you are so beautiful you don't need eye liner. (And it's true - you are a gorgeous lady!)

As for the face imprint wrinkles - heaven help me if my pillow case gets bunched up at night. I can only hope the wrinkles come out by the time I make it to work (sometimes 2 hours after I get up!). Good think I have a slide phone - the buttons don't touch my face!

Tinkerschnitzel said...

My problem is with those stupid laugh lines. They won't go away! You know, the ones around your mouth and the corners of your eyes? There has to be some miracle cure that doesn't require injecting botulism. And the raccoon eyes? I've given up. I'll just continue to look like uncle fester. :)

Unknown said...

I think they should invent a phone that gently injects collagen into your skin every time you talk on it. No more phone-stencils!

Lynn said...

Handwriting? Yup. I'm the same way. I swear that's why they invented the keyboard.

I love Maureen's comment. Yup. The outside aging is needed to cover our inward, breathtaking brilliance. The world isn't ready for that AND smooth skin, too. :)

Noelle said...

First, just as after a certain age, we begin to not only stop doing our own monthly hair color-because what if we MISS one?, but, we cease wearing our locks any longer than our shoulders, lest we leave light brown, or blonde, or a, god forbid gray hair in the middle of our back when we're wearing a black sweater, ah and when it starts to get scraggly. We want to cut it prior to finding that out; we also stop writing anything more than our signature in script. We develop great freehand printing for checks, and that's it, if the rest can't be printed it doesn't need our input, period.
Next, no more eyeliner, at least not in black, brown, navy blue or charcoal grey, go with taupe, or something as close to your skin color, maybe a shade darker, that any good cosmetics manufacturer has in stock & can and will, make you pay a month's grocery bills for. Also darling, no more pharmacy cosmetics.
As for the phone, begin speaking only on speaker phone, and that includes in the car. If you MUST have privacy, or the person to whom we're speaking should need it, we can resort to bluetooth technology, designed to help our earlobes droop ever faster(by stretching our eustachian tubes), but weigh the 'emergent' call over the ultimate cost. I suppose that it's subjective, however, I've gotten over 'not caring' (or thinking that the joke is on 'them') if anyone thinks that I'm talking to myself in the grocery store when I'm really on the phone.
It's bad enough that people find other excuses to look at and perhaps inventory me, nope they can hear the person on the other end of the phone shouting and concentrate on evesdropping, like they could help it if they wanted to anyway!
Yes, all that and brevity might get you one or two extra years of going out sans hat, scarf and glasses!
Lastly, you can do what my Mother claimed to have done, you can decide that the happiest day of your life was the day that you realized that you were crazy and better yet, realized that you didn't care a whit!
And cover those damned mirrors, will ya Kat?

Kristy @Loveandblasphemy said...

Yep. I now have a hip pain that shocks me every once in a while when I least expect it. I have nerve damage that spasms in my abdomen ever since I gave birth. These things cause me to give a little shout-out of surprise pain, which makes me feel even older and falling-apart-like because then people ask what's wrong, and I'm like, "oh, just this hip thing."

Betsy said...

Isn't getting older just swell? (written in sarcastic font) I've noticed that my handwriting, while it never could have been considered *beautiful*, gets worse with each passing year. I'm attributing it to the fact that I type more and write less...if you don't use it, you lose it I guess.

I've never had phone-face, but I frequently wake up with pillow-face where a crease in the pillowcase has been imprinted onto my cheek. Or better yet, with little round dots all over my neck from my wedding ring poking me...when I sleep on my side my left hand curls up under my neck. No one has had the bad manners to notice and point out these things....yet!

Ron said...

Kathryn, Kathryn, Kathryn…..

I soooooooooooo hear ya on the handwriting. OMG, in the past few years my handwriting has turned into chicken scratch. I literally have challenges using a pen or pencil. Every time I write a check, it takes such effort to coordinate my hand with my brain - I feel like such a SPAZ.

And do know what I think it is? Computer usage. Honestly. Besides the few checks I write a month, I hardly ever use a pen a paper anymore.

I should be ashamed of myself because I had 8 years of penmanship in catholic school - if the nun’s ever found out, they would crack my knuckles with a ruler!


Fun post, my friend!

Hope you’re having GRANDE' day!


Christopher said...

The clock just keeps ticking doesn't it? Let's go hunt down some makeup executives and bludgeon them with your phone. Physical activity keeps people younger.

Spot said...

At least your kids didn't look at you in a McDonald's somewhere in Tennessee after you'd driven all night through a snowstorm and announce loudly that "You're really looking your age today mom. I mean geez, who put the rumble strips on the sides of your eyes?"

No. I didn't kill him. He's still alive. I'm not sure why.

I totally sympathize.

wendy said...

Kathryn, forget about mascara. I've had the same problem for YEARS! UNTIL..drum roll optional..I bought an eyelash curler! And no pun intended, it really opened my eyes. If done correctly, you don't need mascara or eyeliner. However, if you do choose to wear mascara curl your lashes BEFORE you apply it. Otherwise you will have mushed together lashes along with smearing. And DO wipe the wand with a sturdy kleenex before applying the mascara to avoid clumping and 'tarantula leg' eyelashes. And only apply the mascara to your upper curled lashes on the outer corners of your eyes instead of the whole eye. It gives you a wide-eyed-doe look. Hope this helps. I know it saved me =)

wendy said...

And my handwriting is getting larger. I think that's in preparation for when I am elderly and my eyesight fails. At least I'll be able to read my own directions to the pharmacy LOL

Jerry said...

I am bemused when I read things like this...well not exactly like this because you write it so much better than others could.

You start to catalog the evils of growing older and when you do, loose site of the wonders that age is giving you.

Once you probably were a darling little mini-skirted waif full of opinions with bright eyes and full of ready solutions to everything...and probably exasperated to few listened to you.

Now they listen. Somewhere you have started to accumulate some wisdom along the way, you maneuver through the world with a bit more confidence, you are some times cheeky and irreverent because you choose to be, and you understand your effect on others. You also understand that self-depreciation is a tool for expressing thought and ideas.

Physically I suspect you walk a little taller because of you know and understand the power and pride of creation -- and have kids as proof. It is probably horrible to suggest a woman's face has character, but in fact it is that woman's dread that attracts a man. And the glow -- not the startling spotlight of a flashy teenager, but a warm glow of a woman that embodies love and kindness and warmth and passion.

I've done it now. I suspect you hate being lectured to. But by my accounting you are absurdly young, but are now a woman. Thank goodness. You are winning the battle.

Warmest regards,


Momiji chan said...

ok so if its about your phone it could be of one of two things one your phone is scrude up two you need a new one or three bad connection where you live thats my opinion but dont let that stop you from buyin a new phone later ^_^

Oddyoddyo13 said...

That's okay Kathryn! We all love you, no matter the smeared makeup, or stamped image of a phone...

As for the handwriting, well, just be glad it was good once upon a time. I have yet to reach that point.

Bobby Allan said...

As long as you're not applying your lipstick to the OUTSIDE of your lips yet, you're good.

kathryn said...

**WENDY BLUM: I am no longer allowed to leave comments on your site because it says I must be a "team member". I already follow you, so I'm unable to comment. As you have no email link, I can't even get a hold of you. Sorry. (GRRRRRR.)**

kathryn said...

Jenny: Honey, we're obviously of one mind...and therefore, we should be able to get a 2-for-1 discount on some serious cosmetic surgery. (LOVE the Uncle Fester reference...HA!)

BlackLOG: Oh, this was hysterical enough for me to address each point:
1) You may now consider me a doctor. I've definitely got the handwriting for it. 2)Mascara/Rocky Horror=you've suffered enough. 3)Metro's spit on a used tissue from the trash to remove my errant makeup from my face. Now what is wrong with this picture? 4) Since the phone's already to my ear, I'll politely ask my caller if they'll hold and I'll call 9-1-1. Meantime, ask Metro to bring you a wet tissue.

Jen said...

I know. I feel like I turned 40 and my metabolism just flat out stopped. The whole thing is really pissing me off. I am not happy about the whole thing.

Alicia said...

First, buy a headset or blue tooth.
As to the makeup problem, can't help you as I suffer from the same problem.
Lastly, you type to us so we don't care what your handwriting looks like and we're the ones that really matter right? Maybe you could begin printing though?

kathryn said...

Runnergirl: You'll have to explain to me what it means to "never smoke properly"...I thought you either smoked...or you didn't!? As for the eye shadow? There's this stuff I found @ Sephora...Urban Decay is the brand "Shadow Primer Potion". It really does work!

Gillian: HA! A phone sock?? Re:! You must have some. long. lashes! Lucky you! Does waterproof help at all?

Petty Writer: Ah!So you've dyed your lashes! How fun! I'll bet it looks great! I have the world's shortest lashes...and they don't naturally curl up, either. I could use me some fake ones!

kathryn said...

GRUNTILDA: Okay...I'll scream "WHEE!", whilst all the little kids run screaming from the lady with the black lines/phone imprints all over her face!

Maureen@IslandRoar: Oh, yeah! I KNOW we're golden on the INSIDE....but c'mon! People think we've just woken up and it was 2 hours ago!!

Mark Price: I'll bet your foundation is flawless....probably doesn't even look like you're wearing any. I think I may have to hate you for that. As for the jeans? Just get those low-low rise ones that'll have half your ass hanging out anyway. That's BOUND to be slimming.

kathryn said...

KT: I know...(not that you're old enough to worry about such things). But thank you for the advance.

ValleyWriter: Oh...and how sweet and kind are you?? Thank you for the lovely compliment, oh beautiful one. Maybe we need to invent something like the sprays they make for removing wrinkles in fabrics....we could call it "Bounce Back!" and its sole purpose would be to remove those bed/phone imprints from our faces!

Tinkerschnitzel: I hear that. Who ever thought we'd be cosmically penalized for too much laughing? It doesn't seem fair. Maybe if we chew bubble gum and blow 50 bubbles a day, those lines'll go away??

kathryn said...

E. Peevie: Ah! What an EXCELLENT idea! Let's run with that...they could also use it in bed pillows...and washcloths as well. We'd all be plumped-up and line-free! Whee!

Allegria: Well, I think you've put that brilliantly! The world could definitely not handle our coming of age psychologically and emotionally and outer beauty at the same time....the world would simply combust from our extraordinariousness!

Noelle: Hey, sweets! All wonderful reasons why I just shouldn't give a damn, right? LOVE the remark about the Bluetooth making our earlobes droop! Hilarious! And interestingly, I'm not as bothered by the person talking to herself in the market as I am by the intermittent blue blinking light emanating from her hair...positively alien-like, I tell ya!

kathryn said...

Kristy: LOL! Oh, have GOT to think of a better way to describe that surprise pain! They'll have you in a walker before you know it!

Gingerella: But it's gotta make people wonder...right? Little poke-holes on your neck? Unexplained shapes on our faces...kinda like those crop-circles? WTF's happening to us??

kathryn said...

RON! Yes! I feel like a "spaz" too...I find myself apologizing to the poor clerk who can't understand why I can't fill out a simple check!

You would think that we'd keep the dexterity by all this typing....I just don't get it.
Hope your way was fabulous as well!

kathryn said...

Christopher: HA! Wow...that'll "kill 2 birds with one stone". (Now I sound like I'm 90!) It'll also make our blood pressure rise, which will give us that healthy, rosy glow....

Spot: What are we gonna do with that boy? Killing him would have been too easy...he needs to be re-programmed! I know just how you feel, though...Connor casually told me during the last snowstorm (whilst shoveling) that my hair looked like hell. Nice...very nice.

Wendy Blum: Oooh....I'm liking that "wide-eyed doe look". Who wouldn't want to look like that? I will definitely give this a try!*Sweetie-Are you aware that I STILL can't comment at your place? Who are these "team members" that are the only ones allowed to comment??!*

kathryn said...

Jerry: Well, how can I get all indignant for "lecturing" me when you manage to be so damn sweet? Not playing fair, Jerry...not fair at all. Yes, with age comes wisdom and confidence. But, sometimes...I think they just tell us that in the same way they claim rain on your wedding day is considered good luck. It's more a "what are ya gonna do?" dilemma. I definitely like the person I am now...but I could do without these bizarre reminders that my skin's memory has become markedly better than my brain's. But thanks for the lovely sentiment, sweet man.

uo-chan: You're funny!

Oddyoddyo13: Honey, I don't even know how important handwriting will BE for the rest of your life! Connor's the same age as you...and he's working on his computer for most projects...he MUCH prefers typing to writing. Gosh...I wonder if someday there'll be no need to write...ever.

kathryn said...

Chrissy: Hey, babe! Oh, God...don't cha just love that look? Is it supposed to look pouty? It beats those ladies that have the fat removed from their butts and injected into their lips. Now THAT'S sex-ay...

Jen: Hey, doll! I am doing everything in my power to deny the entire aging process. For the most part, I'm doing pretty darn well...but sometimes...dammit. I mean, a phone imprint? Seriously??

Alicia: First: I should buy a bluetooth for my landline phone? Can I do that? Second: I'm resigned to raccoon-eyes. Lastly, I'd prefer to give up handwriting altogether. I obviously suck at it...and it's only getting worse. Why fight it??

wendy said...

I'm gonna try this Urban Decay's Shadow Primer Potion. And I had no idea that I had upset you so much, Kathryn, LOL, guess I will have to stop messing with the settings on my blog. It's good to know that someone is looking after me. Lord knows I can't seem to do it myself!

kathryn said...

Wendy Blum: Urban Decay: Definitely worth the buy!
As for not being able to's drove me crazy! I was not CC'd on this memo that I had to be some part of a TEAM to leave a comment! Grrrrr! Glad it's fixed now. Life may resume.

Heather said...

I have notice the racoon eyes on me here lately and I don't even wear makeup! I have no answer, cause if I did I wouldn't have them. My mother says it is a iron deficientcy.

kathryn said...

Heather: Yes, you need more iron, sweetie! Start loading up on that spinach or get some supplements. We don't need you getting need all your energy!

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