Sunday, March 21, 2010

Body Morph

So, I’ve returned. And we didn’t blow up a thing, you’ll be happy to note. That’s not to say that we didn’t have our share of obstacles:


We shut the main power to the house. The plan was simple: Change the present setup of two light switches/2 fixtures to two light switches/3 fixtures. This is the switch at the top of the stairs. Laura wanted a sconce about 2 feet above this switch.

“Do you think we can we do it?” asks Laura.

“Sure. How hard can it be?” I reply.

One trip to the home improvement center later and I can say in no uncertain terms that it’s not so easy. We installed the new fixture…even thought to make sure it worked before closing everything back up. Flipped the switch ON: light! Flipped the switch OFF: dark. We were golden.

It never occurred to us to make sure the other two fixtures remained ON and OFF as well.

Our bad.

I mean… major fail.

This saga is to be continued…as it will take some Googling to get to the crux of the problem. And the crux shall be gotten to…believe me. This ain’t over, light switch. You are not the boss of me.

Meanwhile, my mind kept wandering and I got to thinking about body images. Last night, I’d seen Eva Longoria Parker, (of Desperate Housewives fame)...


...talk about what was required before she left the house each day. She said something about false eyelashes, makeup, spanx and hair extensions.

False eyelashes? Okaaaay…like this?


(Note to Margarete: We need to hit Sephora again!)

Makeup? Check. Hair extensions? Well, I know what they are…but I’ve never had ‘em…ya know, implanted or anything. You mean her hair isn’t naturally that long and luxurious and…flowy? Huh. But spanx? WTF is a spanx? Is this something one does? Or is it done to them? Is it expensive? Is it illegal? Can I still sing professionally if I’ve used them? (No, I don’t sing professionally now…but I want to keep my options open.)

Well. Here is Spanx:


As you can plainly see, this model has good reason to need Spanx…as she is grossly flabby and misshapen….not.

Spanx are evidently “shapewear”. And lest you guys think we’ve hit female territory, observe:


You heard him. “GAME ON.” A compression undershirt….now, you can let it all hang out…or, not. Again, I can tell how grossly overweight this male model is…he must be embarrassed to be seen in public…with those enormous love handles and huge beer-gut. It’s grotesque….I can’t even look at him.

So, evidently this Spanx is a common contributor to the flat abs, trim thighs and tight butts of many a celeb. Were you aware of this?? Alas, I was not. I was under the misguided impression that these people worked out…like, 6 hours a day, with the result being rock-hard abs and a butt so tight you could bounce a quarter off of it.


If I understand this correctly, I am at a crossroads in my life. I figure I’ve got about 5-7 lbs of winter weight gain that’s located squarely in my belly (my dreaded trouble-zone, thankyouverymuch) and evidently, a hundred crunches a day are not my only option! I can Spanx those unwanted pounds away without a lick of exercise! Hang on…let me get a Hostess Cupcake whilst we consider this possibility….(I really don’t eat Hostess Cupcakes…not.)


…and, excuse me, Hostess….but what the hell happened to the paper cups??


What kind of chemical did you have to include in the recipe to omit these paper cups? Hmmm? I’m waiting for an answer.

Now, where was I? Oh, the Spanx. So, what I would like to know is this: Would you forgo any kind of exercise regime and opt for the Spanx way of life? And if you are a lover-of-the-Spanx, does this mean you probably won’t be hitting a gym anytime soon?

I guess what I’m wondering is…“Once you’ve discovered Spanx, is this the end of body angst?”

Gigi said...

My favorite part? "How hard can it be?" These are always my famous last words before I venture into un-charted territory....

As for Spanx? Never tried 'em; but loooooovvvvve the idea - never exercise? My idea of heaven! As long as heaven includes the Hostess cupcakes.......

Fierce said...

Those models are just gross! Where do they find these people?! They're not even an acceptable weight. Look at all the blubber on the female one. I guess it's all that spanx-ing that's got to her. She probably went spanx and gave up on body angst. Great rhyme by the way.

:)
xoxo

Gavin said...

Wow....you left me speechless with this one, Kathryn. You wandered into territory that I avoid at all costs. I'd rather exercise thanks. XD

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Well clearly YOU don't need this kind of crap Kathryn; I've seen your photo! I couldn't stand something that tight on me all day, altho the name is a sexy tease, is it not??

Jerry said...

You just can't trust anyone anymore! Even Eva Parker. Sigh...

Kimberly said...

Wow! I'd never heard of Spanx! And I also thought celebs exercised their way to looking so beautifully buff.

Can I afford Spanx? Is it super expensive? Maybe if I cancel my gym membership, I can score me some. Not!

I think I'll keep on exercising. Don't want to end up like that 600 pound woman who wants to weigh 1,000 pounds. Not pretty.

Anyway, thanks for opening my eyes to the possibilities!

:)

E. Peevie said...

I only wear Spanx when I'm dressing to impress, which means eliminating those unsightly bulges. If you wear three or four Spanxes at a time, they can really give a plus-size figure some much-needed firmness.

But you run the danger of causing an inter-dimensional fissure if one of them suddenly busts open, so be warned.

KellyGrrl said...

Whenever I think about these actresses looking so perfect on the red carpet, I crack up when I picture what they must look like with all their different types of spanx on underneath...

Lauren said...

Spanx you say... Well, I don't exercise as it is... added to the fact that I have more than my fair share of "winter" fat... allowing for wind resistance... subtracting my dislike of clingy , tight clothes... multiplied by half representing the odds of me ever wearing Spanx... Yeah, I don't think I'd wear 'em. I wonder if they would ride up. I'm quite alright with not being able to bounce a quarter off my butt... means it just falls to the side and I can pick up the extra cash. So I'm making money not having them. Brilliant no?

Dreamfarm Girl said...

well if you aren't going to let a light switch be the boss of you (great line!), you sure as hell shouldn't let something called spanx be the boss of you. and i am pretty sure it would be, squishing and compressing and making life miserable. they can't be good for one's health. which is why i won't go near them even though i've seen them in the store. ladies, we gave up corsets, remember?! BTW, I am pretty darn impressed with your gumption on changing out the light switch. couldn't do something like that in spanx!

Christopher said...

I admit I got a bit turned on when I found out she needed spankx before she could leave. Talk about disappointing! Now I have to get a tight undershirt too? I thought a sock in the pants was enough. Jeez!

uo-chan said...

ooh hostist cupcake *.* and why havent you posted anything on my blog \./ your what keeps me going on blogs....your my idol ill say it your the first person ive looked up to but your comments keep me blogging every once in a while so commebt >.<

Heather said...

I'm still laughing at the mental image of my hubby in a spanx!! Do they come in double x! LOL!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I have seen spanx in a while.

Funny, you blogged about body image. I must have gained a few pounds and it is killing me. I usually watch what I eat, but lately the carbs binge are out of control. No I have not exercised in years. I just watch what I eat.

Eva said...

I've never done the spanx thing. I'd rather eat right and work out. I love how you point out the models in those pics, people who obviously don't need it.

brite said...

Spanx? Oh yes, if it weren't for Spanx I wouldn't be able to wear many a dress and even some pants (for that seamless look, ya know). I don't know if it's an age thing or what, but no amount of crunches is going to give me the shape I want anymore.So Spanx roolz!

Gillian said...

I have to get me some of those Skinny Pants especially if I tuck into those choc cup cakes

Runnergirl said...

NOt ever tried Spanx, but doesn't it just push the flab out to where the Spanx is not - so instead of a muffin top, you'd end up with bulgy knees, or maybe a quadruple set of boobs?

Collette said...

I have heard of them but will not spend money on them. (I don't have that kind of money anyway!) I guess I'll just try to move my fat ass around a little more (& maybe stop eating so muchh crap! LOL) (((HUGS)))

ValleyWriter said...

When I was wedding dress shopping a couple of years ago, I remember all the girls raving about spanx for the seamless, no-panty line look. But I thought - really, if you're in a wedding dress - panty lines shouldn't be a problem, right?? Well, maybe that's just me...

But, if the spanx-for-men can turn my hubby into that male model for a night, well, I'd be willing to reconsider :-P

Gay Guy said...

Kathryn,

Gotta tell ya. The Man Spanx is a find. I had no idea compression was possible above the waist. Is it medically advisable? Wouldn't it eventually squeeze your heart and lungs so tightly that they just squirt out of your body.

Not that I completely mock it, though. There's a certain kind of sympathy stirring in me. I mean, what guy, gay or straight, has not at least considered, if not executed, a sock in the underwear pouch? Isn't the man spanx just a more technologically advance version of calming the same anxiety?

I figure it all has to come into the light sooner or later. Better sooner.

Spot said...

You didn't know what spanx were? For real?? I thought you lived in NY? Even out here in the country, I knew what spanx were!! And no, you don't forget body angst, because um...spanx? Yeah...let me just say I'm pretty sure I know what a sausage feels like now. Body compression = not comfortable. *shudders*. Never. Again.

But exercise? Prolly not happening either. Guess I'll stay chubby. Chubby people look younger anyway.

Great post. Pass the cupcakes...
♥Spot

Tinkerschnitzel said...

I won't comment on the Spanx. :D

However, that hostess cupcake looks mighty tempting. Seriously, is that a cupcake, or a real cake? Man, I need to make a cake like that!

Christiejolu said...

Funny, I was thinking of this the other day. I was watchign something and a commercial for these underpants that made your butt look bigger and better came on. It is like the wonder bra, you are out you have your wonder bra on the spanx and the bootie panties and then you meet someone who thinks you look good and go to their place and take all that stuff off. The same goes for the guy in the spanx. I say be yourself. I guess I can see why Eva would do it.

Krista said...

Oh wow Kathryn, this post is just FULL of comment fodder... where should I start?

Ok first of all... you are THE WOMEN for even attempting the light install. You know that I work on my own car right? Even *I* won't do anything that has anything to do with electricity. No SPANX!

Which brings me to the next part... spanx... I have heard of them yes. I do not own any. I don't go to the gym. I don't watch what I eat. I am not naturally thin but my weight does usually stay around the same regardless of what I'm doing which is a good thing because honestly? I just couldn't be bothered.

Body issues? I'm too lazy to worry about that crap! Gimme another cupcake to eat while I sit on the couch and NOT attempt to install a light fixture. Awesome, thanks! ;o)

Viveca from FatigueBeGone said...

Hostess Cupcakes. You reallllly don't eat them? Why I just had one a couple days ago and guess what? This post has me craving one.

I would go out to the store right now but I can't find my false eyelashes. I think my husband borrowed them again.

V.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Light fixtures, spanx, and hostess cupcakes. Who said you had strange trains of thought again?

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

I hear they make you sweat like a whore on Dollar Day.

TAG said...

You lost me with the talk of makeup. But I do admit to being completely impressed with the electrical work.

As a guy I assume the not understanding makeup thing isn't too big a negative.

TAG

Bernadine said...

Hi

Ok I've thought the same thing about Eva. She looked so perfect to me. I wonder what she looks like without those "things"!!! :)

carissa said...

I love this post so much. As a single woman who has recently lost a lot of weight, but still has quite a bit of loose skin and flab, the spanx works wonders. I mean, its a little misleading when it comes to taking a boy home.. and a little embarrassing, but for show and with clothes on- I loves it!

Wendy Blum said...

OMG!! Kathryn THANK YOU so much for seriously making me LOL in a big way over this blog! LOVE how you described the models. You're so right. How did they pass Janet Dickinson's inspections to get those ads?! They are both so grotesque I could hardly look at either one of them. But felt I MUST for the sake of your blog! Thank heaven I am a fast reader! I don't eat Hostess Cupcakes-much-or any junk food-yeah right LOL!
I really don't see the need to wear spanx. I mean if you don't take care of yourself then regardless of what you wear under you clothes, it will show. Not to mention if someone caught you in an "off" moment and spied you without the spanx. I wouldn't wast my money for a girdle.
Thanks again for the un-girdled belly laughs. I REALLY needed them =)

Wendy Blum said...

OOPS! I think that model Janet should instead be Janice. And I spelled waste wrong!! I blame my 4yr. old climbing on me while I was typing for the misspell and Janet and Janice are kind of close, right? Tomato, tomahto LOL ;)

kathryn said...

Gigi: HA! Another user of the "How hard can it be?" logic? Why am I not surprised by this? And I mean, seriously....Spanx and Hostess cupcakes...is that a match made in heaven, or what??

Gavin: Oh...you're such a GUY. Hey, it doesn't hurt to know that this stuff is out there....ya know what I mean? Good conversation starters: "Hey. I'm Gavin. Are you wearing Spanx?"

Maureen@IslandRoar: Uh-huh. And pictures don't lie, right? Actually, I can't complain...if I gain a bit, it means I'm happy. I'm one of those ppl that can't eat when I'm miserable.

Jenny said...

I need a moment to gather my thoughts. Let me make sure I am understanding this correctly...You? Did not know? What Spanx were? This boggles the mind! Kudos to you for not needing the Spanx power to get...that...zipper....*inhale*....argh...*suck in*...up.

Yeah, I'm totally a Spanxer. I wear them only in dire situations such as when The Dress calls for it (LBD's or bridesmaids dresses for example). But they are DEFINTELY not day to day wear. I like what Spot said about now knowing what sausage feels like. It is quite a commitment once you're in those bad boys. Also, one of the reasons it smooths so well is because it will often take everything lumpy and shove it upward until it spills over the top. And that's just sexy wouldn't you say?

kathryn said...

Fierce: Ya like that rhyme, eh? It just came to me...Spanx and body angst. Go figure. What I don't get is, who do they think they're fooling with these rail-thin models for this particular product?? Makes no sense to me.

kathryn said...

Jerry: I know, right? She jokingly explained that by the time she removes all the false stuff, there's very little to resemble the gal on tv. It seems hard to believe, but I've got this image in my head of artificial everything flying off her when she gets home!

Kimberly: I never even clicked on it to see how much they cost! The name alone makes me laugh...at least the ppl who invented it have a sense of humor.

E. Peevie: Woah. "Bursting" and "fissure" are NOT words you want associated with your body parts...but the "firmness" part sounds great!

kathryn said...

KellyGrrl: Well, you're way ahead of me, girl! Now I can't stop picturing the fake hair and various other smoothing items. It's good to know that those "perfect" people are way more like us than we thought.

Lauren: You are a freakin' genius. But then, anyone reading this brilliant summation of how to pick up some extra cash will merely wonder why they didn't think of it first. What was the question??

Dreamfarm Girl: HA! I hadn't thought of that...could you imagine the ad campaign for the "modern woman"?? She's got electrical tape in one hand and the ever-resilient Spanx in the other. I guess we really CAN have it all!

kathryn said...

Christopher: HA! You'd think a sock in the pants would be enough! Some people are simply never satisfied...could you imagine how uncomfortable the Spanx undershirt would be in addition to a wad of something in your pants?? Ouch.

uo-chan: I'm sorry, sweetie. It's been a very busy week for me! I'll get there as soon as I can! (I thought you were off on vacation!?)

Heather: Well, no-one was more surprised than I when I saw that they had 'em for guys! Adds a bit of cosmic balance to things...don't you think??

kathryn said...

WannabeVirginiaW: It must be something in the air...making those carbs absolutely impossible to resist! I usually have more willpower...maybe March Madness??

Eva: I never got the whole "Let's use already thin models to show people how they'll look in our slimming product!" Wha....???

brite: You're not the first to bring up that whole "remove the panty-line" angle. I do believe maybe everyone could benefit from one of those 3-way mirrors-I never remember to check the back!

Gillian: Yeah. I'm seriously re-thinking the wisdom of mixing Hostess Cupcakes with body-slimming products. They may just cancel each other out.

kathryn said...

Runnergirl: Oh, you're too funny! That's a LOT of boobs! I'm sure that scientifically it's impossible to make the rolls just disappear. It makes sense that your "body mass" would just appear elsewhere.....

Collette: Ah, the eating-of-the-crap. How are we supposed to appreciate the "lean times" if we don't indulge in the crap?? Hmmmm???

ValleyWriter: I totally agree, sweetie. Who has panty lines in their wedding dress? Unless you're wearing some kind of slinky number...I can't picture it. You're too funny! One paragraph is about your wedding, the next you're ready for the guy-Spanx-upgrade! HA!

kathryn said...

Gay Guy: Wow...a very candid and well-spoken guy-perspective. I'm loving your use of the word "compression"...sex-ay. Somehow, I don't think the Spanx people will be calling you soon for help with their advertising campaign, though....!

Spot: There's that compression word again! Feels like a sausage?? Ouch. Honestly, if this is the kind of stuff I miss not going clothes shopping, maybe I'm better off staying home! (Pass the cupcakes back, please.)

Tinkerschnitzel: Well, the cupcake I ate last night didn't have icing going all the way down the sides, so I'm gonna say it's homemade. (Did I just say that out loud?!)

kathryn said...

Christiejolu: Well, you should have heard Eva's version of what she sounded like at the end of the day...with hair and body parts flying everywhere. It sounded positively scary!

SMOOG: Oh, you're too funny! Electricity's not so scary...so long as the power's off and nothing blows up when you turn it back on. (I wish I could say I'm kidding) Lucky you for being rock-steady in the weight dept. That's one less thing to worry about in life...and that's GOOD.

Viveca from FatigueBeGone: HA! So, HUBBY should go get the cupcakes! (And I love anything devil's food cake-ish. That and key lime pie. Yum....but not at the same time, of course.)

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: I've no idea. But it feels SO GOOD to get it out of my head!!

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt: HA! Now, THERE'S an expression!! LOVE IT!

TAG: Nah...you're a typical guy. Electrical=good. Makeup=boring. That's why I lead w/the electrical, 'cause I knew I'd lose you after that!

kathryn said...

Bernadine: According to HER, she looks totally different! My God...maybe people don't even recognize her. That might work to her advantage!

carissa: Aw, honey! Good for YOU! Hey, truth is...we're seen a heck of a lot more with our clothes ON than OFF, right? I mean, unless you're a fulltime stripper...

Wendy Blum: Oh, you are SO WELCOME, sweetie! And I didn't even notice a mis-spelling! I was too busy laughing at you're description of reading quickly to avoid the horrific photos of those grotesque models! I'm so glad I could make you laugh...we ALL need more of those, right?

kathryn said...

Jenny: I'm wincing as I'm reading this....but I'm laughing at the same time. You know what? I hadn't heard of the Spanx. I am from the "3 different sizes of pants depending on my weight" arena....since any excess weight settles directly in my middle. Which begs the question: if they're so hard to get (ahem) situated into....what happens when one must answer nature's call??

Jenny said...

Ooooh, dear one, you ask The Question! I was going to explain but was afraid your male readership would be shamed and run screaming from your comment section. We can't have that now can we?

However, since you ask...if you go El Commando underneath The Spanx (I, specifically, have the High-Waisted Power Panty...Offical Name. Truth.)(As you should because seriously why the hell would you try to cram more into a hot little dress than is absolutely vital) there is a trap door of sorts. While standing and mingling at the open bar, one is covered in complete modesty-as a lady should be, of course. No drafts to had. But should nature cometh a calling, all you have to do-get this!- is SIT DOWN! That's it. No adjusting or moving anything or rolling or stuffing or pain or yoga. Just sit. And something about the construction of The Spanx transforms said modest lady britches into crotchless hussy britches! Just by sitting! Nature can relieve itself then hurry back to the bar without a dress tucked into anything. I mean, really, have you ever heard of anything more amazing in your life. It's almost worth trying on a pair just so you experience this sort of pee freedom. Pee-dom, if you will.

Okay, that's the end of my Internal Makeover Comment Blog Post.

kathryn said...

Jenny: OMG! That is freakin' genius!! You are 100% correct, my dear....I simply must experience this...this...pee-dom. My life may not be complete if I don't. And you are so brave-eth for telling me...and I'm so glad you did!

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