Sunday, February 21, 2010

Signs

Kathryn: “So, I’ve got a topic for tonight’s post.”

Clinton Kelly (IV on his last day of being 40…yawns loudly): “Should you be telling me? It’s not much of a surprise if I already know about it.” (Yawns again)

Kathryn: (Yawns back) “You are so freakin’ old….and yet, I haven’t aged a day. How is that even possible?”

CK: “And yet, somehow I remain younger than you…and I always will be, so…bite me. My birthday’s not until Monday, but way to get a jump on those loving birthday wishes.” (Yawns again…stretching comfortably)

K: (Yawns once again) “Oh, God! Enough with the yawn pong! You’re not a kid, you know. You don’t get a birthday week…it’s a freakin’ day. And it’s not today.”

CK: “Whatever. What’s tonight’s topic?”

K: “Well, it might be a little confusing at first…”

CK: (Smiles) “We’ve had oodles of practice inside your head. Try us.”

K: “Okay. I was watching the Olympics and I was thinking how they must have these universal signs everywhere so that all the foreigners can find their way around...and then I got that song from 'Five Man Electrical Band' stuck in my head. You know….(sings) ‘Signs, signs…everywhere are signs…blocking out the scenery, breakin’ my mind…do this, don’t do that…can’t you reeeeead the siiiiignnnns?’”

CK: (Stares) “I did not see that coming.”

K: “Would you like to see my Universal Examples with my 100% authentic, Kathrynville-approved captions? You know your answer is moot, right?”

CK: “I’m well aware. Bring it.”

K: “M’kay. This first one would be found somewhere near the women’s luge.”

CK: “Oh, momma. Are you sure those aren’t speed bumps?”

K: “Yes, I’m sure. Then, there’s this one:

…which is basically warning people that there’s a guy looking to dispose of his barf bag. These Olympic games are murder on the nerves…”

CK: “Gross. This next one looks interesting…”

K: “I figure it either means, ‘Do not casually saunter into the ocean’ or ‘No fire-walking alllowed’, depending on where it’s posted. I also can’t tell if that’s supposed to be a seagull in flight, or a vague interpretation of two mountains…”

CK: “Well, now I’m not sure…it could go either way. Ah! I know this one.”:

K: “Yeah…it’s your basic ‘Push button, receive bacon’. These athletes need their protein, ya know.”

CK: (Begins to cough)

K: “Are you choking? Wait…let me check out the sign:

(Asks) ARE YOU CHOKING? No? I guess you’re not, since you’ve got both hands around your neck and you do not have your tongue sticking out, per this handy diagram. I’ll assume you just swallowed funny.”

CK: (Catches breath) “I’m okay. I wouldn’t want to interrupt your post…by dying…”

K: “I appreciate that. And speaking of dying, here’s the universal reminder to cover your mouth when you sneeze":

CK: “Are you sure? That looks kind of abstract to m—"

K: “Not listening...moving on. Got a lot of ground to cover... Here’s the one to remind people that God will strike you down if you cheat, lie or be in any way un-sportsmanlike”:

CK: “That’s a very….effective reminder of the virtues of honesty and camaraderie amongst competitors …”

K: “Are you even listening? You're sounding somewhat...roboticwhatever. Next!:

…this one’s pretty self-explanatory. It’s like Wile E. Coyote all over again….what the hell does the middle initial ‘E’ stand for, anyway? Who ever heard of a cartoon character with a middle initial?”

CK: “This is a rhetorical question, right? I don’t want to break your concentration. Home stretch, kiddo…”

K: “Thank you, kind sir. I shall end this post with an absolute CLASSIC:

…the universal ‘You are soooo screwed’ sign. This can be placed anywhere that men and women co-mingle.”

CK: “I’m certain that men everywhere are nodding and mumbling in agreement.”

K: “Aw. Thank you…that was soooo the right answer. You’re such a sweetie. Tomorrow’ll be all about you.”

CK: “I’ll believe it when I see it. Are you going to show everyone the two cartoons that made you laugh so hard you peed a little?”

K: “Of course. I’m an equal-opportunity incontinence-provider. Oh, and did I mention that 'Five Man Electrical Band' is from Canada? There...now it's all tied up in a neat little bow. Happy day, all!”






KellyGrrl said...

Hahaha Love the signs... I've also seen the last one as "Dyslexics of the world untie" haha

Kimberly said...

"Push button, receive bacon"!!!! Hilarious! Now I'm going to think that every time I'm in a public restroom!

Gavin said...

XD You have a very interesting take on signs. I still can't figure out what the ocean/fire one. I think it's a misprinted one. Or made just to confuse people like me. At least you narrowed it down to two options for me. XD

Isabella said...

I say "all men must bow down before women when entering this area" sign is the best! And don't even think about lookin' under the skirts!

Funny Post Kathryn,
Isabella

Lauren said...

lol oh wow. Is that Canadian stereotyping I see? We get four slices of bacon not three! I may borrow the God will strike you down sign for my own purposes. Time will tell.

Bernadine said...

Hi Kathryn

I must say I like that sign where the man bows to the woman.

You should enjoy your Monday!! :)

Runnergirl said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! *speechless*

Erika said...

Good interpretations of the signs, I'm sure that's exactly what they all mean. Everyone else just misreads them obviously lol. And those cartoons are classic!! They're some of my all time favorites; they make me laugh every time I see them. Have you seen the one with the little smiley face guy thing (I'm not actually sure what the heck he is...) yelling at a rainbow for not tasting like skittles? It's another very humorous little square :)

Funny post, thanks for helping me start my week with a smile :)

Collette said...

WOW! You are great at readng signs. I was wondering if the 1st one was caution drunk woman laying in road! lol. (((HUGS)))

The Shitty Astrologer said...

Love that "arrow of doom" sign...it should come with the tag line "You're Cooked Buddy!". At least if you're gonna be struck down from 'pon high, you should be clearly and explicitly warned without too much room for interpretation!

Christopher said...

I wish there was a bacon-button. Actually never mind I'd have had a heart attack by now.

ValleyWriter said...

Oh man - these signs are the best! I love the "You are sooo screwed" one. Perhaps that will need to be posted on the fridge at home for a few days... :-D

Spot said...

I keep pushing the damn button, but I never get bacon!! The hell?! I like the God will smite you one. That's pretty sweet. My dyslexic children love the last one. Well, they would if they could tell the letters were mixed up on purpose. Hahahaha.

♥Spot

Tinkerschnitzel said...

I need the smiting sign for my office. Thanks for making me smile on another Monday!

Gay Guy said...

Kathryn,

I LOVE that you've included Wyle E. Coyote. He was a favorite cartoon in my childhood. Perhaps I knew in my existential heart that my adult life would often feel like a Road Runner episode. And that I would NOT be the Road Runner. Beep Beep!

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

Too funny.

Mom?

uo-chan said...

haha sorry i havent been answering ive been busy and im sick with a cold and i just got back from going to see my grandparents but anyway this is a great post once again you are doing random is it always going to be like this lolz

Ron said...

Ok...I loved all the signs, but the "speed bump" one made me SCREAM! That was HYSTERICAL!

And the "Wile E. Coyote" one, well, was just so freakin' clever!

Oh, and btw...while I was in Barnes & Noble yesterday afternoon, I spotted Clinton Kelly's book on the shelf. I had no idea he had a book out. I sat there for 30 minutes and read through it. It was both very informative and FUNNY! I need to check out his website.

BRAVA post, great Kathryn!

Have a wonderful Monday!

xoxoxoxoxo

jh said...

I think the fire/ocean one is 'don't step on bird poop in grass'. :)

Tina said...

Ah lovely stuff. Happy birthday week to Clinton (everyone should have a whole week...) No need to reply darling, I know how much you love me!

Sir Thomas AKA (Winters Reaper) said...

Signs rock...


now if only half of the people that see them.... could read them!!!!

Krista said...

LMAO I love them all. Your interpretations are all bang on, I'm SURE!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the one of the guy groveling to the girl. It's got to be real. SO screwed! ;o)

Fierce said...

At least I'm not the only one who interprets signs this way. I told them it was boobs but no!!! Everybody was convinced they were 'speed bumps' but if you think about it, driving over boobs that size WOULD slow a car down.

:)
xoxo

Kathryn said...

KellyGrrl:Oh, too funny! I went into a laughing fit when I saw that one...couldn't stop...

Kimberly: HA! I had so much fun doing this post...I'd close my eyes...and then write down the first thing that came to mind when I opened 'em. It's a whole new world...

Gavin: Well, maybe we've just never seen the sign 'cause we don't live near the ocean...or a volcano?

Oddyoddyo13 said...

I LOVE the orange cartoon! So adorable!

Hm...a tour through every universal sign on earth. I'd been wanting to go on one of those....

Wait. I thought this post was supposed to be about, you know, the Olympics and understanding where the bathrooms are.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

"Push button, receive bacon;" too funny! And those last 2...Priceless!

Kathryn said...

Isabella: HA! I didn't even think of her skirt...but it's sooo true! Most guys wouldn't be able to resist copping a peek!

Lauren: HA! No...no Canadian-bashing...I promise! Are ya planning to threaten someone with the sign??!

Bernadine: Yes...I think that's my favorite one, too. I hope you've had a lovely day, as well!

Christiejolu said...

Love the Wyle E Coyote shout out! This was a hilarious post!

Kathryn said...

Runnergirl: HA! I know...sometimes there's nothing to say. I just hope it made you smile!

Erika: HA! No! I haven't seen that one, but I'll be on the lookout for it....that's too funny. I'm not a big fan of t-shirts w/writing on them but some of these are hilarious!

Collette: HA! "Caution drunk woman laying in road" TOTALLY works! I'm sure that's what it means if it's anyplace besides the Olympics...or maybe not. I may have to re-think this....hmmmmm.

Kathryn said...

The Shitty Astrologer: Ha! "You're cooked, buddy!" Perfect! Scary as hell....but perfect!

Christopher: What is it with guys and bacon? Or is it a general male-loves-meat thing? You guys DO loooove your beef!

ValleyWriter: HA! I think that one's turning out to be the favorite! Who knew ordinary signs could be such fun??

Kathryn said...

Spot: HA! Oh, that's funny! Maybe a dyslexic person would see the cartoon spelled properly? It probably wouldn't seem too funny then...

Tinkerschnitzel: Aw! You're very welcome! I'm always happy to have you stop by...so glad I can make you smile!

Gay Guy: Aw! Does ANYONE honestly feel like their life is the Road Runner's? Yeah, we may move at warp speed, but I only wish we could be that...clueless. Or, is it brainless?

Kathryn said...

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt: I KNOW! I couldn't stop laughing at that one!

uo-chan: Oh, I hope you're feeling better soon, sweetie!

Kathryn said...

RON! Ha! I'm glad you enjoyed the post, sweetie! Yes, Clinton is a pretty funny guy...he actually has another book coming out soon. I believe it's called "Oh no...you didn't!" I cannot imagine what it'll be about! Hope your Monday was fabulous handsome! xoxo

Kathryn said...

jh: Oh! Well, that makes a LOT more sense...it's probably inspired by all the goose poop, right? Remember King's Park in Congers? We used to call it "Feces Park"!

Tina: Pish! I can't NOT reply, sweetie! And yes....we ALL deserve a whole week to celebrate our very existence...even as grown ups. Right?

Sir Thomas AKA (Winters Reaper): Well, that's why people like US need to interpret them! Whoever created these signs obviously feels they're self-explanatory...

Kathryn said...

SMOOG: HA! That's 'cause you and I have the SAME sense of humor, sweetie! HA!

Fierce: Well, you're right...of course! Either way, you're gonna slow down, right? It was the first thing that popped into my head. They really didn't illustrate it well!

Oddyoddyo13: Oops. I guess I never DID the bathrooms...did I? You'll just have to hold it.

Kathryn said...

Maureen@IslandRoar: I know, right? I was dying....went into a total giggle fit...esp the "Mom?" one!

Christiejolu: Thank you! I'm still waiting for someone to explain that middle initial, though!

Allegria said...

OK. Now that I've been able to take a breath from laughing so hard, I will hereby attempt to explain the middle initial. *ahem* Wile E. is cartoon speak for Wily. As in, sneaky and cunning. But you knew that, and now I've just made a fool out of myself! I think I need my...mom?

Heather said...

I loved that pic for "Cover your mouth". Just gorgeous!

Wile E. Coyote..I trid calling my dad for the answer to the E. No luck he has no idea. I am super curious now! Hubby uses that name as his cb handle.

Mom? LMAO!!

Courtney said...

I need to buy that "God will strike you down" sign for my residence. I loves. And I had to read the "bad spellers..." picture twice before I get it - I automatically corrected the phrase in my head. :(

Jenny said...

Dude, this is hilarious. Yawn Pong? Please note that going forward I will be incorporating this phrase into everyday conversations. Thank you for your cooperation.

I'm really glad you explained the one about the barf bag. I always thought that was the "Hey you guys! Free cereal over here!" sign. I appreciate you clearing that up.

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