Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Poop on the Stoop

I can say with all honesty that this has been one l-o-n-g winter. I’d like to respectfully suggest that in the future, we have the winter Olympics in the summer. I mean, think of how nice it probably is for the folks in Austrailia…sweltering heat outside…watching all that arctic snow and ice competition on teevee every night…ahhhhhh. Watching someone ski or skate when it’s 22 degrees outside is just torture….

Every time I hear the *crack!* of the skis on those turns, it’s like I’m biting into an ice cube…


Kathryn: “Oh, good…the pizza’s here. Gotta love ‘Whatever for Dinner Wednesdays’. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET THE DOOR??”

Rachel Ray: “Hey! Did someone-a order some-a pizza?”

Kathryn: (Walking down the hall) “The money’s on the step-”

Rachel Ray: “What am I….a hooker? Show some respect, missy.”

Kathryn: (Surprised) “Oh! You’re no delivery gal! What’s cooking, girlfriend? How many pizzas did you make?”

Rachel Ray: “Evidently not enough. I just saw Donald’s limo trying to limp up your skating-rink formerly-known-as-your-driveway.”

Kathryn: (Confused) “Donald? Trump…or Duck?”

Rachel Ray: “Ha. Hard to tell them apart sometimes. Is anyone else coming? We might not have enough food. Where’s the stone I gave you for Christmas?”

Kathryn: “Let’s see….there’s you…and I invited Ellen for some much-needed comic relief

…and Michelle’s stopping by on her way back to D.C.

It’s supposed to be a ‘girl’s night’. Donald’s number is right before Ellen’s...I must’ve misdialed…I thought her voice sounded kinda low on her voicemail…dammit. Now we’re gonna have to listen to him go on and on about how he was born with ‘successful genes’…I am getting really tired of that story. You gave me a rock for Christmas? That wasn’t very generous of you…what did I give you in return? A clump of dirt??”

Rachel Ray: (Raises one eyebrow) “Stone, Kathryn. I gave you a pizza stone, remember? You opened it and said you loved it and you put the box down right next to the server….OH, MY GOD…it’s STILL THERE??!”

Kathryn: “Um. Well. I cleaned around it…see the vacuum marks? C’mon! We’ve gotta get cracking…chop, chop!”

Ellen DeGeneres: “Hel-lo? Kathryn, you’re not gonna believe who’s stuck on your front lawn…sideways…”

Kathryn: “Lawn? You mean my ice-rink-formerly-known-as-my-driveway…”

Ellen DeGeneres: “Nope….definitely your lawn. There’s clumps of grass and snow flying everywhere…he’s got quite the mouth on him. I wouldn’t let him kiss you with that mouth.”

Michelle Obama: “Hey, ladies! Kathryn, who’s the schmuck on the lawn with the mouth?”

Kathryn: “Uh, that would be Donald. He’s probably just hungry….he’ll settle down after dinner. I want to talk to you about my idea to move the winter Olympics…how much pull have you got?”

Michelle Obama: (Rolls eyes) “Another epiphany? Someone get me a cocktail…”

Donald Trump: (Voice from outside) “Oh, CRAP! I can’t believe it….I’ve just stepped in dog poop. Who leaves dog poop sitting on their front stoop? Gross. Do I smell pizza?”

Lauren said...

I need me some kick ass imaginary friends. Mine are nuts. YOU HAVE ELLEN! AND RACHEL! God... I'm jealous. I'm going to steal them. I'll bait them away with... stuff... I'll think of something!

Anonymous said...

I really don't know where you come up with this stuff, Kathryn. But I hope whatever it is that it doesn't run out soon. This was great. XD

Amy said...

Poop on the Stoop is the best headline EVER.

Anonymous said...

Some girls' night out that was. Donald is probably just gonna ruin it with all that business talk and then Michelle and the girls will get bored and discretely slip away leaving you to endure the tale of 'successful genes' yet again! Maybe you could ask da boys to show him something particularly interesting, like drying paint perhaps. I don't suppose 'The Trump' has ever watched paint dry before.

Ron said...

I agree with Gavin.

Kathryn….I don’t know where the hell you get your brilliant mind from, but I LOVE it!

Honestly, you really should think about making these posts into a Saturday Night Live blog book!

Your posts are HYSTERICAL!

OMG…when I saw the photo of Donald Duck below Donald Trump, I SHIT!

I mean, they look EXACTLY like one another!


Oh, and I love how Miss DeGeneres and Mrs. Obama made an appearance!!!!

Brava, Miss K!

So enjoyed this.

Have a great Thursday!


carissajaded said...

teeheehee amazing. You shoulda left Donald out on the poo though. I gotta get into your brain for a bit. And have my own dialogue within. Ohhhh blog ideas poppin up all over the place. LOVE YOU!

Bernadine said...

I agree totally with all the comments form above. This was very funny Kathryn. :)

Bobby Allan said...

Too funny! I leave poop on my stoop now that Bernie learned to go when I open the door. Guess Donald won't be coming here!

Mark Price said...

I giggled out loud and had I been drinking coffee I'm positive it would have come out my nose. Bravo! PICK UP THE POOP.

The Shitty Astrologer said...

LoLz...if you're gonna have "imaginary friends", they might as well be rich, powerful and attractive celebrities and public figures that also happen to be fans of pizza (so you don't have to break the bank entertaining them).

Unknown said...

Poop on the Stoop - I had visions of flaming paper bags filled with poo... glad it didn't turn out that way! I love your celebrity conversations - always a riot!

Spot said...

You hang out with the oddest people. Not my idea of fun. I mean, Donald? Really? But then again, my imaginary friends always get me into trouble...

Loved it! What kind of pizza does Rachel Ray bring??? I'm pretty sure it's not just plain old pepperoni!!


Unknown said...

LOL! I love your celebrity get-togethers. Some of my faves in this one, too! I love Ellen... I love to hate Rachel Ray but it's all love in the end, right?

Donald Duck is a sweetheart, he's actually at my place shoveling the steps right now.


wendy said...

Until now it was never evident how much the two Donalds were alike! Too funny! Ellen is awesome! My friends and I joke around that if we were lesbians, we would want to date Ellen, LOL! Next time you blog I want you to blog about how you made a delicious gourmet pizza on that pizza stone from Rachel. Just because you're a Fair Maiden doesn't mean you can get away-eth with hurting Rachel's feelings after she went through all the trouble-eth to buy you a Christmas gift. Just make sure to call the fire department in advance so they can prepare for the drive up your skating-rink-formerly known as your driveway. And for Heaven's sake scoop the poop from you lawn. Donald,Trump not Duck, wears expesive shoes. I shudder to think about what your bill's gonna be to replace a pair of Italian leather shoes!

Oddyoddyo13 said...

That sounds like its going to be quite the dinner party!

Awesome post Kathryn-you never cease to amaze. I'm constantly laughing and absolutely DAZZLED by your wonderful wit and charm. Haha.

kathryn said...

Lauren: HA. Good luck with friends will NEVAH leave me...not for money (got it) or fame (got that, too). You'll have to think of something REALLY GOOD....

Gavin: Aw...thank you, sweetie! That really means a lot...'specially coming from you!

Amy: Thank you! Actually, I thought of the title first...and worked around it!

kathryn said...

Fierce: HA! Knowing The Donald, he'll say he's see plenty of paint dry as a young lad....before he discovered his "successful genes"....(sigh)...

RON! Aw. Thanks so much, Ronnie! I have to admit...I was grinning from ear-to-ear when I found the photos of The Donald and Donald Duck...priceless! Now, if I could just get Metro to stop pooping on the front stoop! (Seriously!) xoxo

carissajaded: HA! Well, you're welcome anytime, sweetie...if you can squeeze in there past all these PEOPLE. It's getting mighty crowded around here!

kathryn said...

Bernadine: I'm glad you enjoyed it! That's what I love to hear!

Chrissy: HA! So, Metro and Bernie are on the same page! They're such good doggies!! (For US, anyway!)

Mark Price: Aw, crap. (Pun intended) Do I have to? I really don't mind if it sends the message "Go Away".

kathryn said...

The Shitty Astrologer: There you go! You've said it perfectly! They're cheap...and super-entertaining!

ValleyWriter: Hey! Love the new photo! You are GORGEOUS! Yeah, I actually thought about burning poo also. Someone may very well set it on fire if I don't pick it up soon!

Spot: Well, I needed someone we could make fun of...and who better than The Donald? As for Rachel's pizza...I was trying to think of some fancy-schmancy pizza...but I always order w/eggplant or mushroom & onion. That's as crazy as I get!

kathryn said...

SMOOG: Aw! I'm glad Donald is pulling his weight over at your place! Is he freezing his ducky-butt off??

Wendy Blum: Well, now I HAVE to clean up the poop...since you've brought up The Donald's leather shoes and all. I WAS gonna leave it...but now, I can't. I shall do the dreaded Poop-Patrol!

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: Thank you, sweetie! I appreciate the kind words. Right back at-cha!

Jen said...

Personally, I am not a real Olympics fan. I've been getting grief from everyone because of it. I'm much more interested in who made it to the top 24 in American Idol. What can I say? It's too cold here to want to watch more people being cold on TV.

Anonymous said...

Dang! Your girls' night out sounds like fun! Can I come? I'll bring my pizza stone . . . if I can find it. I think it might be out in the garage.

JD at I Do Things said...



That above comment was from me, JD.

I want my full props.

kathryn said...

Jen: Oh, I can totally understand not wanting to watch cold cold places...when we're so freakin' cold! I only watch certain events...the skating (in memory of my mom, who adored it) and the snowboarding..which was EXCELLENT!

Anonymous....I mean, JD@I Do Things:
Yikes! You don't have to SHOUT! That's my sneaky way of getting 2 comments out of you! It worked WELL! PS: Do you know what to DO with a pizza stone? 'Cause ONE of us needs to know, I think...

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Michelle said "Schmuck??"
I knew I loved her!
You're so funny.

Heather said...

My famous friend just hangin out with famous people.
Ellen will put Donald in his place!

Heather said...

Oh yeah, Metro's not stupid! He doesn't want to get his paws wet, no more than anyone else does. LOL!

Alicia said...

Wow, I'm always amazed by who just manages to drop by your house. You would think Donald could have sent the limo for me. I coulda brought bacon wrapped hot dogs!

Next time I guess.

Lynn said...

Tell DT that the only good thing about snow is that he can wipe the poop off before he comes in.

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