Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Freezerdoodle

It’s snowing again.

Never…in the history of winters….has it been so crappily snowy, icy and downright treacherous.

And never…in the history of meteorologists….have they been so freakin’ wrong.

They’re like 0 for 5…or batting a .240 average….or, whatever translates to really bad. I’d fire ‘em all in a New York minute.

Last night, they’d predicted a dusting to fall overnight….two inches, tops. We awoke to a light and delicate snow this morning and I remember thinking, “Normal Rockwell painting” when I looked out the window.

Yes, I know. Hell must’ve frozen over…or pigs must be flying ("Hey, Jen!!") ‘cause you just heard me say something nice about the snow. Don’t get used to it. I only said it ‘cause it was supposed to be stopping…and the roads were virtually un-snowed-upon. I figured we were golden.

I was wrong.

The school buses arrived….da boys grumblingly boarded said buses and I sat down to write.

When it’s sans sun outside, I often do not bother to open the drapes in my master bedroom-slash-office, for it does a better job of keeping the warm air in and the cold air out.

Imagine my surprise when I clicked on our local Metro Traffic & Weather and saw the red crawling ticker across the bottom of the screen, depicting a Winter Storm Warning. I then realized that they’d changed the snow accumulation totals….from a dusting-2 inches…to a whopping 8-10 inches. Then it said, “Our bad. Love, Jeff and the gang

I parted the curtain then….and what did I see? First, I saw this:


…and then I saw this:

…and then I said, “Shit, shit, SHIT!” and I grabbed my bag and ran to the car because I had no milk, no eggs…and no bread.

DON’T EVEN ask me why….’cause I can’t hear you…and I would probably ignore you even if I could.

I hit the closest market and performed a flawless product-grabbing fly-by…as I raced up and down 3 or 4 aisles…then I got the hell out of there. There was enough un-plowed snow in the parking lot that it left my biceps of steel burning from the strain of pushing that cart.

(Author’s note: I can’t even bring myself to type the word “snow” again, so for the remainder of this piece, we shall refer to it as “freezerdoodle”. Please do not adjust your monitors.)

I swerved and slid on the freezerdoodle the whole way home. Nothing was plowed or sanded…and as hard as I tried to will a freezerdoodle-truck to appear,

…I saw not a one.

I made it halfway up the drive. Then I got stuck....tires spinning helplessly. Here’s where it gets interesting. Are ya listening?

The garage door was already open…awaiting my usual careen into said garage. The plan was to jump out, grab the shovel, remove freezerdoodle from behind all 4 tires, throw down some sand/salt and proceed with the careen. Easy peasy…right? I put the car in park and took my foot off the brake.

The car began sliding backwards….so, I jammed my foot on the brake again. We stopped. WTF? It took….I wanna say, a good ten seconds for this to fully hit me.

I pulled up on the emergency brake and it seemed to be holding. To play it safe, I unlocked all four doors and left the driver’s door wide open…whilst I raced for the shovel. Freezerdoodle cleared, I ran back for a pail of rock salt. As I’m teetering back towards the car, I see the car starting to slowly slide backward again and I scream, “NOOOOOOOOO!” and I slip and skate and dive into the driver’s seat…jamming my foot on the brake and mentally patting myself on the back for having the foresight to leave the door wide open.

From this point…not knowing what else to do, I had to contort my body to lean out of the car to reach the now-overturned pail of rock salt to then haphazardly fling it under the car with my bare hands in hopes that some of it landed in the general vicinity of the tires.

I then threw the pail into the snow bank, threw the car in drive and after a little New York rocking and rolling, I DID ultimately careen into the garage.

My hair, however….did not fare as well.


Jenny said...

Kathryn. Love. I really want to be here for you and support you through what I can only imagine is Post Freezerdoodle Stress Disorder. But I am going to need to step outside for a moment....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!! HAHAHAHAH! VISUAL!!!! HAHAHAH! HAIR!!!!....Ahem. As you were saying?

Gavin said...

o.0 Wow. That's almost too much for my tired brain to comprehend. I really should stop reading blogs so late. XD Sounds like you had quite the lovely time dealing with your car and all that freezerdoodle. XD At least it was just your hair that looked that bad afterwards. XD

Bernadine said...

HI Kath

Wow I really feel sorry for you Americans. I think you are sick of snow... however you know that there are a lot of South African's who would give their all just to see snow for one day. :)

But I think they will re-think it when it actually starts snowing here and never stops. Like in your case. :)

You should have a fab Wednesday. And thank you very much for listening to me. :) I really do appreciate it. :)

momcat said...

What a nightmare. I would understand truly if you refused to leave your house until the thaw. Can't the kids stop at the shops on their way home from school? I mean, they're already out the house, aren't they!

Runnergirl said...

I do feel for you, but I am still envious. If we had freezerdoodle like that I could have stayed home and nursed Nick better today.

I'm hoping you have a good supply of nerve calming medicinal booze in the house though?

BlackLOG said...

ElleGee our BMW stays in our garage if there is even a hint of Freezerdoodle. After the last Freezerdoodle cleared I managed to find the only slope which still had Freezerdoodle on it. 5 mins of side sliding wheel spinning and lots of curses Ellegee and I were at the top (a distance of around 20 feet) gasping for breath and with a trail of about 100 cars. I felt like a caravan.....

brite said...

I have two words for you: kitty litter.
Not the clay like clumping kind, but good old fashioned sandy kitty litter...carry 2 10 pound bags in the trunk of your car, one for ballast and one for putting under your tires when you get stuck on an icy patch.In 35 years of living on the Canadian prairies I never went out in my car in winter without it.

Gigi said...

And this is why I live in the South. Oh wait - I forgot - apparently we have been annexed to the North - since we are expecting to get more Freezerdoodle today! ARRRRGGGGH!!! I feel your pain; I really do.

Elfie said...

Wow. I am proud of you. I must say it was hilarious when you replaced the "s" word for freezerdoodle :P

uo-chan said...

aw im sure your day will get better im still sick with a cold and we have freezing tempatures here to so your not alone check out my blog love yall

Kimberly said...

Your mind works in mysterious ways, my friend. :)

"They" are calling for another 3-6 inches here starting tomorrow. Yoy! I, too, am tired to freezerdoodle!

Spot said...

I hope you threw in a couple bottles of cloudy on your mad dash through the market. This keeps up, you're gonna need it!

And maybe you should keep some sand/salt/kitty litter in the car with you. I keep a bag of litter in the trunk...it's cheap and works wonders when you're stuck!

♥Spot

Dreamfarm Girl said...

So sorry to laugh at your awful misfortune but hee hee that was really funny! I started chuckling at the freezerdoodle title. Wow, you guys are really having it rough this year! Yikes. Oh, and we in Austin TX got your light dusting of freezerdoodle yesterday...that's apparently what happened, the old freezerdoodle switcherooni.

ValleyWriter said...

You go girl! I am impressed!
We've got the snow now up here in MA. And as I said to my coworkers - I, SuperWriter, have braved 9" of unplowed snow, downed trees and cars sliding off the side of the road - all to save the... Err... that's not it. All to defend the... Hmmm.... NO, that doesn't sound right.
Oh wait, I remember - all to avoid wasting a vacation day!

jmberrygirl said...

I'm looking at sunshine outside the window. It's 37 degrees here and should warm up as the day progresses. Want me to mail you some Mississippi weather? If it helps, our forecasters always warn of a snow-pocalypse and then are so shocked when we wake up to a "light dusting" following the mad dashes to the grocery!

lifelove'n'wine said...

Oh you poor thing, that sounds so stressful! I hate winter driving.

And what is with the weather people? Here we had the opposite problem...two weeks ago all of the meteorologists in the area were saying we would get 10-15 inches of snow with 40 mph winds. Blizzard conditions! Almost every school in the state (not an exaggeration), tons of businesses, etc cancelled the night before. We ended up getting less than an inch.

Ron said...

Ok, I know I've said this to you before, but I truly think you're I Love Lucy reincarnated!!!!

..."had to contort my body to lean out of the car to reach the now-overturned pail of rock salt to then haphazardly fling it under the car with my bare hands"...

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!

And I lovin' "Freezerdoodle!"

...“Shit, shit, SHIT!” and I grabbed my bag and ran to the car because I had no milk, no eggs…and no bread"...

That's exactly what I'm going to be saying if I don't get out to the grocery store sometime today, because we're getting a shitload of freezerdoodle tomorrow.

YIKES!

FABU post, you wild and crazy Lucy, you!

Enjoy your day!

Love,
Ethel Mertz

Christopher said...

I don't mind snow so much, I'm used to that. But that awful ice stuff is dangerous and I just hate it.

Christiejolu said...

Jeez that is a lot of snow! I can only imagine since I am in Arizona and we are going to be in the 60's today!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Kit Kat, Sent that snow and ice over my way, because I am a snow bunny!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

We're just getting this latest as tons of teeming rain and wind so strong I can barely keep the storm door open when I'm entering the house (seriously, I banged the dogs head in it by accident when she cut me off). But snow would be much worse at this point. I think of you every time I ride over the huge patch of thick ice in my driveway. Spring, are you out there? It's me, Maureen.

Isabella said...

Quick thinking Kathryn! You are a rock in the face freezerdoodle.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Who'd have thought it would be so difficult just to drive into the garage?

Krista said...

Oh honey... I feel for you. I'm having an absolute shit day though so I have to admit to laughing recklessly at your post. I'm so glad that you survived the big ordeal and think of it this way... your kids will probably think your hair is really cool! :oP

Menopausal New Mom said...

What a day you've had! The weather forecast is never right here either unless it's terrible weather they are forecasting. I hear ya on all the snow and winter driving. Just keep that salt handy til Spring (whenever that is!)

Erika said...

Wow. I'm so glad I live in a Freezerdoodleless part of the country. It's pretty much in the 70s year round here. I sometimes wish it would snow, buuuuut maybe I should stop doing that? It sounds horribly horrible.

And yet you still managed to make it hilarious at the same time :)

Lauren said...

Kathryn, my sincerest apologies for your freezerdoodle trouble. I have a relatable experience but I'm going to totally give you props for this. It took four of us to do what one of you did. Go you! (We got stuck in a freezerdoodle bank... don't ask...)

Selina Kingston said...

That is SO funny! (Though clearly not for you and I feel your pain!!)
You're very brave though. When we have freezerdoodle in London which we have had a fair deal of this winter though probably only what you would call a dusting. I have to stop the car (in the middle of the road, you understand - no pulling over to the side for me)call my husband and cry for help. Usually only to be told sympathetically (not) to get over it and get back....

Chrissy said...

You poor thing. Funny because it all worked out. I suggest your next house doesn't have a driveway with an incline.

Tinkerschnitzel said...

I hate it too! Hopefully spring will poke its pretty little head out sometime soon. We've had our 7th coldest winter on record here in Texas. It's hard to believe we had 6 colder winters. When were they? The ice age?

The Shitty Astrologer said...

Hair-raising is right! So many times I've driven in icy hell conditions and skidded around and spun out like the devil and thought to my self..."this is it, I'm a goner". We've got a little hill closeby that I refer to as the little hill of doom, because every winter, it ices over and the cars either slide backwards or can't brake on the downhill. And it doesn't matter how much salt they pile on this little hill... it's no good. It's possessed I tell you!

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

F*ing Freezerdoodle.

Kathryn said...

Jenny: HA! "Post-Freezerdoodle-Stress-Disorder"! Oh, you'd make a GREAT therapist, honey...except for that whole laughing hysterically outside the door thing!

Gavin: Yes...it was an intense post. Definitely not late-night reading material. Not take your MULTI-PROZAC and call me in the morning.

Bernardine: No problem, sweetie. I hope I was able to help a bit. Yes, we are sick of the... freezerdoodle...but in about 4 more weeks, we should have some relief. It IS a shame that we couldn't send some your way...just so you can play in it!

Kathryn said...

momcat: Yes, da boys are already out...but can only go from the school bus to our house. I WISH the school bus driver would make a pit stop to pick up supplies! Ah, well...we've all survived.

Runnergirl: Yes....we're stocked with all we need to ride this winter out. I DO with I'd stolen that huge Prozac from the other day, though...I hope Nick feels better soon, sweetie.

BlackLOG: I know exactly what you mean. On the way home that day, I got behind a sedan that (evidently) had 4-wheel-drive. She SLOWED DOWN going up a steep hill and I barely made it...slipping and sliding and cursing at her like a sailor. As if it isn't hard enough to get around in this freakin' freezerdoodle....

Kathryn said...

brite: Woah....these just might be my 2 favorite words in the English language. Thank you, sweetie! I'm adding it to my list RIGHT NOW!

Gigi: Hey, girlie! MY GOD. There must be MORE PLACES in the U.S. that have NEVER seen freezerdoodle that are getting it now. WTF???

Elfie: Thank you. You should have seen the word I wanted to use. I had to remember my more (ahem) impressionable readers...

jh said...

Holy shit!

Eva said...

That sounds like me in the snow. Mad dash to the store. Bad weather and I do not get along so well. I loved this post, it brought humor to it.

Kathryn said...

uo-chan: Aw. I hope you feel better soon, sweetie. And I hope it gets warmer for both of us!

Kimberly: Wow....it's never gonna end...is it?? We're in the middle of a Nor'Easter....they're still staying 10-18". Grrrrrr.

Spot: Oh, yeah....heaven forbid I'm wine-less! "Brite" also mentioned the kitty litter...I've got it on the list. Thanks, sweetie!

Kathryn said...

Dreamfarm Girl: HA! The 'ole "freezerdoodle switcherooni"! Isn't that what you'd asked for? Hey, you can laugh all you want...I'll admit...even in the middle of it, I think part of me was already formatting the post in my head!

ValleyWriter: HA! Oh, you BRAVE Wonderwoman, you! I'm sure you've saved someone...from something....somewhere along the way. Maybe just not with 9" of unplowed freezerdoodle on the ground!

jmberrygirl: Yes, please. Mississippi weather sounds lovely. Do you think this "snow-pocalypse" is actually the meterologists in kahoots with the grocery stores? I'm seriously starting to wonder...

Kathryn said...

lifelove'n'wine: Hey, sweetie!! HA-that's EXACTLY why I broke up with Jeff Mendelson the meterologist. They've been wrong more than they've been right. It's enough, already!

Kathryn said...

RON! Yes, dear. And you are my Ethel to my Lucy....for sure.

Ya know, people think I make this stuff up...but I REALLY DON'T. Who could think up this crap??

Have you gotten a LOT of freezerdoodle today?? They're saying it's supposed to go through all day Friday!

Someone's gotta tell Old Man Winter he's overstayed his welcome!!

Stay warm, sweets. xoxoxo

Kathryn said...

Christopher: Well, it seems you can't have one without the other...at least that's the case this winter. Ice, snow, hail, sleet, rain....enough, enough, enough!

Christiejolu: Okay....I'm trying hard not to wish a hex on you! Seriously...in the 60's? That's a freakin' heat wave! I'm glad someone's away from this crappy cold!

WannabeVirginiaW: Of COURSE you are! You've probably figured out a remarkable way to make snow sex-ay!
I've no doubt...you go, girl!

Kathryn said...

Maureen@IslandRoar: I seriously think Ms. Spring is either passed out on margaritas or is out of town enjoying an extended vacation in Aruba. I may be wrong...but I don't think so. Great...so now I'm associated with black ice. Sweet.

Isabella: Thanks! I try! Heaven knows, I try! But God...it's not freakin' easy!!

Oddyoddyo13: I know, right? That whole debacle...just for bread, milk and eggs...

Kathryn said...

SMOOG: Actually, they've both remarked that my hair looked awful- (Sigh...)and what do THEY know? They're boys, for God's sake.

Menopausal New Mom: This has been their worst year EVER for being wrong on the forecast. I have lost all faith in their abilities. I am convinced they work in windowless offices, too! (Hel-lo? Look outside, schmuck!)

Erika: Wow. Color me Kermit-GREEN with envy...your weather sounds fabulous! You'll survive without freezerdoodle...seriously. Just stick your head in the freezer if you're missing the cold!

Kathryn said...

Lauren: Oh, no! Not a freezerdoodle bank! They're the WORST! (Are we talking...four....real people here? I'm on my way to your place to investigate!)

Selina Kingston: Oh, that is SOOO me! At the beginning of winter, anyway...I'm what New Yorkers call a "woose". By the end of the season, I just don't give a crap anymore. I'm there now!

Chrissy: Um...riiiight. That would be nice. Wouldn't allow me to host the Olympics, but I guess that would be okay...

Anonymous said...

When living in the north, I always carried rocks as ballast in the back of my vehicle. Also a couple of bricks handy for each back wheel when stopped on an incline to avoid backward motion.

You are so creative and funny Kathryn! Hang in there.
–slt

Sir Thomas AKA (Winters Reaper) said...

oh i would have paid money to see your hair... its long and beauty and would have been out a lot farther then that picture....

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