Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Speed

Today, I got to thinking about speed. Or more precicely, how we're all moving too damn fast.

I cannot remember what prompted this line of thought.

Actually, that’s not true. I think it came to me when I fell down the stairs.


Yes, you read that correctly. I fell down a flight of stairs. It was a short flight (only 6)...(pun intended), but still…I slipped on the carpet with my slippery socks and I fell. It all happened in slow motion…and my whole, entire life flashed before my eyes.

I remembered twirling on the rope swing at my grandparents home when I was four until I'd almost hurled (we'd twist it around till it was uber-tight and then you'd spin like a top as it unraveled)…then I remembered how many times my sisters, brother and I got locked out of the house while Mom & Dad were at work and how we sent my little brother...feet first...in through my parent's bathroom window...always dropping him wayyy too early and hearing the clatter as some bathroom knick-knack (or was it the toilet?) hopefully broke his fall... I remembered my eighth grade orchestra recital with the Westchester Philharmonic Orchestra (I played viola…first chair…for twelve years. Ask me if I was any good….’cause I WAS.) Then I saw my junior prom with Mike-what’s-his-name and his undoing when he tried (unsuccessfully) to cop a feel…and a whole host of other things....


Anyway, I hurt my elbow in the fall. I was lying there (on the steps) howling with a combination of laughter, shock and pain…and Connor’s standing there in complete astonishment. He said later that he was not sure if it was all an act on my part…(drah-ma? Me??) he'd thought I was being the slapstick equivalent to (insert modern-day Jerry Lewis here)…but add the slippery socks and subtract the fat bank account.

This will teach me to rush down the stairs…and those in the know will remember that holding the banister does not necessarily guarantee that your feet won’t slip out from under you. Take it from one who now knows.

Meanwhile…a little Christmas tip. (I picked this up from my sister Laura.) When looking to see if your tree lights are even (with no visual “holes”, so to speak) do the Christmas-squint:

Close your eyes almost all the way…but squint whilst doing it…so you can only see a teeny bit. Warning: Everything should get very blurry. Do not rush out to buy contacts. This is normal and should subside when you stop doing the Christmas-squint. (This writer, nor her affiliates can be held accountable for unforeseen complications from using the squinty-eye technique in the privacy of one’s own home. Therefore, it is recommended that you speak to your family dry cleaner, your vet or your third grade gym teacher before beginning this exercise. Inquire as to how they've been? Don't forget to wish them Happy Holidays! Pursuant to Section B2514, subsection C of the blog-readers-influence-by-blog-writers addendum of 2006, don’t even think about suing me if your eyes remain Christmas-sqinty past the actual holiday. You’ll never find me…and I’ll just feign a brain injury from my fall and swear I've never mentioned this technique…so, fuggetaboutit.)

Once things become really blurry, it will be quite clear that this is one of the best freakin’ Christmas tips ever…as you’ll see with clarity the obvious holes and huge gaps you’ve missed in decorating your tree after 3 martinis and a couple of spiked eggnogs.

So. That’s my tip for the season. Use your squinty eyes, go easy on the eggnog and slow down, my friends.

The martinis, however….they're mandatory.


Fierce said...

You know nobody ever reads the fine print!!!
Well, I won't be needing the squinty-eye technique this year, no tree! But I will try it out on someone else's tree...
Great post, with just the right dash of random.
xoxo

book*addict said...

yes, the banister does not mean you won't fall. I know this one too by experience.
i love the xmas-squinty eye. It's my fave past-time!

Heather said...

I did the squinty eye already and oh well don't look but my tree has many holes and I ain't fixing it.

Sorry you fell and hurt yourself.
Sounds like you play a lot of tricks with the kiddos, they don't know when it is real. LOL

Chrissy said...

You poor thing! I'm always tripping and falling. I know what you mean about that split second where you're not sure if you're going to laugh about it or cry when you finally land.

I'm going downstairs right now to do the squinty thing!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Great post, had to chuckle at the picture. Hope you are okay! Making martinis and doing the squinty thing.

It is always the little brother that get sent through the window. For us it was my little sister.

ValleyWriter said...

I whole heartedly believe that the world looks better without my contacts in. I'm nearly blind without them (I can see clearly about 6"), so all those little annoyances simply disappear when they come out. Those crumbs on the floor? Can't seem 'em. That stain on the carpet - what stain?
Clearly, I will have to try this with our spartan Christmas tree...

Tina said...

Did eggnogg have anything to do with (a) falling or (b) not killing yourself due to alcoholic insulation?
Good squinty tip! Get someone to kiss that elbow better. Happy Christmas! (Water the tree...)

Lauren said...

I don't really have much of a falling down the stairs problem. I fall up more often. Usually at work. I tend to laugh too, until the giant bruises come out. I bet the martinis either had something to do with your fall or at the very least helped you forget all about it. Oh well, whatcha gonna do? I'm assuming you're okay.

jmberrygirl said...

I hate it when stuff like that happens.

Allegria said...

There's this old fable. Something about a boy who cried wolf...

Hurt elbows, well, hurt. Lots. *hands Kathryn soome ice*

The squinty thing. Cool. Kinda like bokeh. Only with your eyes rather than a camera.

Tinkerschnitzel said...

There's a reason we don't have stairs in the house! Before I got my glasses, I ran into walls and would fall up the steps. Evidently, I've got an astigmatism that had my depth perception off a lot.

f8hasit said...

So this squint thing is due to my intake of alcohol?
Now WHY didn't I get that before!
:-)

Get yourself some of those socks with the treads on the bottom. You'll still slip, but you'll leave marks so they can find you.

Hope your feeling better!

Jenny said...

You. Are. Funny. End of transmission.

Glad you're okay! But I will be giggling to myself for the rest of the day. What is it about people falling and/or running into things that is just so danged funny?

Tina said...

I've given you an award. Pop over to mine to pick it up. (Don't fall on the way!)

carissajaded said...

I'm so happy that you are ok. And that you're still making sense. Believe me, I've had my share of falls that could have stood for prat falls, and more recently there was the stair surfing fail incident to know that they can take a toll on your ability to blog. At least that's my excuse!!!

Straight Guy said...

The banister won't stop your feet from slipping but it will (when used properly) lessen the impact. Back there. You won't look any less silly, and your shoulder might feel the strain, but overall damage should be much less.

I took a terrible spill a few years ago on some icy steps (had my hands full). Nothing broken, but hobbled for weeks. All the stuff went flying. Kind of wish I (or someone else) had a visual so that at least I could laugh about it. My only memory is panic and pain. My swearing muscles got a workout that day. Sorry, Mom, nothing personal.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Martinis and stairs?? Not so sure, but I'll give it a try!
Hope you're okay...

....Petty Witter said...

Having also received an award from Tina and loving visiting other bloggers, I thought I'd drop by and say hello. Nice to meet you and best wishes.

dailyseeking said...

Sorry for your fall and I have to admit there was laughter as you were recalling your life before you. I have always done the squinty-eye thing every Christmas. That is the first thing we do when the lights come on.

Gavin said...

Haha...I really am sorry that you fell but you write about it in such a way that I can't help but laugh. XD

Ha...I'm so proud of myself...I didn't even have to squint to read the small print. :D

Gingerella said...

Glad you weren't hurt worse!

Hey fellow orchestra nerd! I played first chair, second violin all through Jr. and Sr. high school. :) My husband keeps cajoling me to take it up again, despite not having touched a violin in 18 years. Maybe those martinis would help...

Lily Johnson said...

Sorry about the fall Kat. Do be careful. I will try the squinty eye thing. You are so funny!

Wendy Blum said...

Oh, yeah, feel your pain. When I was 8 I remember my mom having this killer pair of high heels. Ask me , did I put them on to see what I looked like in them? Ah, but of course. That's what 8 year old girls do ;) After putting the waaay too big for me killer black heels on, I decided to stroll downstairs like a runway model to show mom how grown-up I looked. Instead, I rolled down the un-carpeted wood stairs in very un-model like fashion losing both shoes in the tumble and spraining my wrist before crashing into the wall of the landing below in a yowling, bawling heap. That explains why those black stilettos were called "killer" heels.

Wendy Blum said...

Thank you for the surprise =D Loved how you made a whole page devoted to award giving. You are so creative and thoughtful. Now, to answer your 3 questions.

1) My page rocks because everything I write, unless noted, is 100% mine. My own feelings, thoughts and ideas. My diary speaking out loud.

2) In my next life I want to come back as a much better person because I've screwed up a lot of stuff in this life. I need a shot of redemption.

3) For me, the best part of blogging is being able to put my thoughts and feelings out in the open and have people relate to what I've created without fear of rejection. And "meeting" other talented people who cheer each other on and give honest, unfiltered advice and critiques.

Wendy Blum said...

Oh, and do you know a person who can fall down a flight of stairs and land like the woman in your photo? Besides you, Kathryn. Nice calf muscles! LOL

Gigi said...

Ahhhh Kathryn - are you my twin sister or a clone or something?? I've been known to fall down stairs (several times in this lifetime). Completely SOBER!! The most recent had me going down a flight of about 14 carpeted stairs - somehow landing on my back, with my shoe flying off and landing on my head. How Man-Child kept it together (without laughing hysterically) (which he totally did after finding out I was okay) I'll never know.

Hmmm, after thinking about my many tumbles - maybe I should move into a one-story home.....

Kathryn said...

Fierce: Aw...you always know just the right thing to say! Seriously...drive someone else crazy with the squinty-eye-technique.

book*addict: HA! So, another Mommy bites the dust...you've been there, done that, got the t-shirt? It HURTS!

Heather: Hey...if the tree's already up and decorated then fuggetaboutit!
Who cares?? I promise not to do the squinty-eye whilst I visit.

Kathryn said...

Chrissy: HA! Thank you...who knew that socks and carpet could be such a dangerous combination?? I've seriously got to slow down! The squinty-thing is f-u-n.

WannabeVirginaW.: Oh, you did the lower-the-sibling-into-the-window with your sister? That works! Po-tay-toh, po-tat-oh!

ValleyWriter: Ha! You made me laugh out loud with this comment...and I LOVE your take on "those little annoyances". I may not need contacts, but I'm coming over to YOUR side of thinking!

Gropius said...

0h no!!! I am so glad you're okay. I am Queen of the Klutzes and am always amazed when someone else besides me takes a spill. Yes, Thoreau said "It lives too fast" talking about the pace of life in the mid 1800's. He would be pissed if he saw things today. Hope there are no broken bones.

Kathryn said...

Tina: Um. Well. It's (B)...not killing myself due to alcoholic insulation. HA! Thanks for reminding me to check da tree! It gets thirsty too...

Lauren: Yeah...I'm A-O-K. And yeah...I'm thinking the martinis probably hurt more than they helped. I don't do that again!

jmberrygirl: I'll bet you do! No martinis in your immediate future, sweetie!

Ron said...

First...I LOVE the squinting trick!!!

That's freakin' BRILLIANT!

I only wish I had a tree this year, so I could use it!

Second...sorry to hear about your fall, my friend. Hope you're ok!

But, I'm glad you posted this because I needed to be reminded of SPEED. OMG...I'm always doing things at warp speed. This is one of the reasons WHY I love NYC over Philly. People in NYC move faster. You should see me walking down the street behind someone SLOW. I'm constantly muttering under my breath...."Get out of my WAY...MOVE!!"

And then I ask myself..."Why are always in a hurry, Ron?"

I can't help it...that's they way I move.

Anyway, Kathryn....I hope enjoyed a nice BIG martini tonight!

Great post!

xoxoxo

Collette said...

Falling is not fun! I usually fall upstairs, though! LOL.

jh said...

Poor Kathryn, first a fall, & then denial by a child. I will find you, I know where you live. I don't like decorating the tree, only smelling it. Would it be so wrong to have a naked tree?

Jen said...

I'm glad you weren't seriously hurt! I agree with the one that said the world looks better without contacts. God makes us lose our vision with age as a kindness.

Alicia said...

Kathryn,
I know my tree has lots of holes, and the top 1/16th of the tree has no lights cause I ran out :-)

I hope you aren't too sore and that you're ok...be careful!

Dreamfarm Girl said...

Hmmm, I'm wondering if the events happened in reverse order of your blog...trimming the tree under the influence of martinis and eggnogs; the squinty eye trick from the stairs; and shazam! the awful fall. From which I sincerely hope you did not sustain any real injuries. Though your flashbacks sounded pretty grand. (Nice life! Esp the dropping of brother through the window.) Anyway, careful, Kathryn! Stairs and squinty are terribly dangerous!!

Kathryn said...

Allegria: Ouch. Yes, hurt elbow...it's kinda skinned...only not. HA! Love the "kinda like bokeh"!

Tinkerschnitzel: Well, yeah...I guess you DO have a depth perception issue then! So, what's MY excuse??

F8hasit: HA! So, I'll basically leave a trail of skidmarks on the carpet? But I'll still go down, right?? Yeah...squint/alcohol/falling down. They MAY all be related. Hmmmmm.....

Jenny: Yeah...it's the Three Stooges in all of us, I think. It must be a basic-humor-thing. I even realized it was funny at the time! It HURT, but it was funny.

Tina: Thank you, sweetie! I'll walk carefully and try not to slip!

Carissajaded: HA! Well, I KINDA did the stair-surfing thing....in a tumble-head-over-heels kinda way!

Kathryn said...

Straight Guy: OUCH. I can feel your pain! I don't think we adults are made for spills...just the IDEA of falling down makes my teeth rattle. Isn't it amazing how our kids can fall and not even be sore?

Maureen@IslandRoar: HA! DO NOT try this at home! It freakin' HURTS!!

...PettyWitter: Why thank you! It's nice to meet you as well.

dailyseeking: Oh, good. I'm glad you're onboard with the squinty-eye-thing. Do you hold the martini whilst you do it, or do you put it down??!

Kathryn said...

Gavin: HA! You've got pretty good eyes, my friend. Glad you enjoyed my fall!

Gingerella: HEY Second violin!! I've got to confess...I picked up my niece's viola 2 years ago...figured it would come right back to me. It did NOT. I've forgotten virtually all of it! Maybe you'll do better!

Lily Johnson: Thanks, sweetie! I'm fine now...just carpet-burn on the elbow!

Wendy Blum: OUCH, OUCH, OUCH! I'm wincing as I'm reading this! Oh, the poor little 8-yr-old girl! I can just picture it...oh, and you REALLY got hurt! You're very welcome, sweetie! LOVED your answers...you're very articulate!

Gigi: Oh, God! I'm laughing hysterically at this! How could man-child possibly hold it together after the shoe landed on your head?!? Hilarious!

Gropius: Isn't it bizarre when we fall as an adult? It makes me realize how resilient we are as kids!

RON! Somehow, this Fast-Moving-Ronnie does not surprise me. I can totally picture you...moving at warp speed...muttering for people to "Get out of my way, dammit!!"
For you are definitely a New Yorker at heart!! xoxo

Collette: HA! You're not the first one to tell me they fall UP! Why do we get so klutzy sometimes??

Kathryn said...

jh: No, nothing wrong with a naked tree! I've actually mentioned to Connor that this year's tree has little-to-no smell. I wonder why?

Jen: HA! So, we should all look at the world through squinty-eyes? All the time??

Alicia: Aw! I'll bet your tree is just beautiful! How'd you run out of lights at the top??

Dreamfarm Girl: HA! Ya think I may have reversed the order of things? Hmmmmm....damned if I can remember. I think I was traumatized by the whole incident.

~:C:~ said...

Hope there's no permanent damage. : (

And I didn't know you played! You are a Kathryn of many talents. I used to play violin but always secretly coveted a viola for its deeper, lusher tone. Had to stop after I broke both my wrists in a fight (not scrappy by nature - was doing Tae Kwon Do). They never quite healed right. I can't even write by hand legibly and without pain, let alone play a string instrument. Booo.

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