Thursday, November 5, 2009

Time Better Spent

Last night, I attended a meeting I did not want to attend…to gather information I had no desire to have.

I started the evening looking like this:

(Yes, I know...a little jaunty pre-holiday cheer. But I'm bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!)

When the guy 5 seats over began to cough a lot, I felt like this:

30 minutes later, the guy sounded like he was gonna cough up a lung.

Which made me look like this:

I was then momentarily distracted by the guy who got a call on his cell. He was sitting in the front row whilst a female attorney was speaking.

He took the call. No, I mean…he TOOK THE CALL. Talked in a normal speaking voice and totally interrupted this attorney, who looked properly appalled at this guy’s behavior:

Oops…how did THIS get here? And more importantly, what is that girl’s face doing kissing Kanye’s butt? (Well, that’s what it looks like to ME. Use your imagination.)

Ah. Here we go:

Only picture the offending cellphone talker an overweight middle-aged guy wearing a bright red baseball cap (yes, this was indoors), scrappy attire and he had full facial hair.

Now I look like this:

I’m left a withered husk of the lovely, baby-faced woman I was when I arrived. They’d literally sucked the life, health and every last ideological thread of decorum and etiquette right out of me.

So, I’m either going to die from whatever life-threatening disease that guy 5 chairs down is sending like a speeding bullet into my airspace, or I’ll crash and burn of embarrassment and sadness for all of mankind as I realize that “Cell Phone Schmuck” had no freakin’ clue what the problem was when the speaker finally chose to stop and wait till he’d finished the end of his stupid, meaningless call that he'd made at FULL if he was sitting in his kitchen…or on his John Deere.

You’d think after such a humiliating disregard for common decency, he’d at least have run hurriedly from the room, in a vain attempt to lead us to believe there was a catastrophic emergency taking place down at his place of business, hereby known as Giggles (in my imagination). Not that we would have fallen for it...but he could have at least made the effort. But noooooo. He scans the room behind him...all of us glaring at him...and shrugs his shoulders with a look like, "what are ya gonna do?" Grrrrrrrrr.

Just when I thought I was DOOMED, I remembered MY phone!!!

I have email! I have text messaging! I have the freakin’ internet!!!

So, I email Spot: “I’m bored. This is boring. I am soooooo bored. How’re you?”

When she doesn’t return my email within about ten seconds, I look to see if any new emails have come in. I see one with the subject line “WOOHOO”. I smile…this must be JD! YES!!

So, I email JD: “I’m bored. This is boring. I am really, really, really bored. What’re you doing?”

About this time, the seminar draws to a close. No-one has any more questions, so we’re outta there. I exit the row in the opposite direction as “Hacking Up A Lung Man”, and pause for a minute to get a good glimpse of “Completely Clueless Idiot Cellphone Schmuck”.

I envisioned this parting look was on my face:

I don’t have to tell you who was the mouse.

Lauren said...

AHAHAHA! This made my morning. It's snowing like Santa's overhead and I have to walk. Anyway, in almost all my classes yesterday I looked like the kid in the first picture. Considerably less cute... come on it's a baby. Who can beat that? And I sat almost directly in front of Hacking Lung Girl in my last class. I didn't want to look at her and turn in her general direction so thanks for providing me with the visual. I stand by my decision. Except I looked more like I was going to turn around and yell at her to leave. I'm nice that way.

JD at I Do Things said...

Y'know, ANYone can slap some images in a post and make it look interesting and colorful.

But YOU always choose such perfect images.

Oh, and the writing is pretty good too.

What're you gonna do? Cell Phone Schmuck? I have a pretty good idea. But I'm a lady and unwilling to swear on a friend's blog.


Oddyoddyo13 said...

Ugh! I had to go to a seminar once. The most boring thing ever. But I guess it was better since there was no cell phone guy or coughing guy.

Unknown said...

I HATE meetings! And sadly, I have no Blackberry to entertain me. But doodling is nearly as fun!

Jen T said...

Ugh, cell phone guy, what the hell?

People totally do that to make themselves seem important. My boss does it all. the. time. At meetings she is running and at trainings she forces us all to go to. Awful.

Spot said...

Hahaha! I love the pictures! The baby is adorable. And I'm pretty sure I look like the one with the guys head on the table alot! I'm sorry I didn't email you back in 10 seconds or less. Sick kid, remember? Text me next time. My phone never leaves my side. And at the time I was sandwiched on the couch in the family room between hubby (who'd fallen asleep and was snoring) and Mo who had the heating pad on her back and a comforter on. I was bored and about to die of heat exhaustion. I would have welcomed the distraction of a text!!

Sorry about the meeting. I'm pretty sure cell phone schmuck lives at the farm down the road from me...


wendy said...

Ewww! The photo of the guy spewing God-only-knows-what from his mouth is too gross! Sad but true a lot of people really do allow their mucus to fly when they cough. Now, I'm not a germ phobic person, but seriously too gross. Ditto for the cell phone guy. People have become obnoxious with their cells. And yes, I do have one. Usually turned off or on vibrate. Can't believe Mr. cell phone actually had the nerve to look as though he was mystified as to why everyone was glaring at him. Love your photos of being bored,lol!

Heather said...

Hopefully you don't end up sick, stupid man. Why don't men carry hankies anymore? No consideration for other people! grr..

B-ster said...

I was stuck in a policy meeting for 3 hours yesterday. I wanted to jab toothpicks under my fingernails I was so bored. My boss, seeing my boredom, decided I needed to be paying more attention. He slyly pulls out his laptop and loudly asks me to start tracking policy changes while decision were being made. So not only was I stuck, now I had to pay attention and I couldn't even daydream. After a few minutes, he even grabbed a projector, so everyone would be able to visually see the changes. So not only did my daydreaming get cancelled, I now had to watch grammar and spelling. Ugh. I totally feel for you!

Ron said...


OMG...this post made me HOWL!

Brilliant job using the photos, Kathryn! LOVED the one of your reaction to the guy coughing - BRAVA!

As you know, I have a huge disdain for inappropriate cell phone use, so that would have made me INSANE.

And as far as Mr. Cougher goes...has he ever heard of a Kleenex??

Thanks so much for sharing your day with us - it truly started my Thursday off with a LAUGH!

Have a great one, my friend!


Tinkerschnitzel said...

You are sooo much better behaved than I am. I would be the one person who has balls enough to get up, take cell phone guy's phone from him, hang up, hand the phone back, then tell him to please leave. I am a stickler for etiquette. Plus, the way I've felt the last 2 days with this wisdom tooth poking me, I wouldn't care. I might just yell at him "get off the f@%#ing phone!"

Dreamfarm Girl said...

Great blog; thanks for the laugh. How many endless meetings must we all sit through? Who thinks these are good ideas? But I've never encountered the shockingly bad manners such as Cell Phone Schmuck's. Outrageous!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

I hope at least you were thinking what clever blog fodder this boring meeting, and ridiculously rude man, would make
Cuz it rocked big time!

KT said...

I was really bored yesterday and got my wish granted, of not being bored, by having to take S to urgent care. I've realized stuff like that happens to me a lot. So, careful what you wish for.

Unknown said...

Once again you made me laugh out loud ... multiple times!!! I did make the mistake of reading this while Furnace Guy Josh was down in our basement doing maintenance on, well, our furnace. :) He's probably thinking I've lost it. No matter. It was worth it. Thanks!

carissajaded said...

Oh this was great!! hahaha I'm sorry, but i don't think the Kanye jokes are ever going to get old...

And on a completely different subject I feel I may have made a move much like your coughing friend this afternoon. I had a major sneeze fail and it reminance is still on my silk shirt... and i just felt like sharing! Sorry!

Áine said...

Very funny blog as always! :) That guy should take some time to learn some manners!

Rambles'N'Shambles said...

THATS why the moon orbits around the earth, its trying to get away from its hungry hungry mouth!

evil mannerless people

Anonymous said...

What I love about you is that you take a boring meeting and you turn it into an incredibly funny and enetrtaining blog post. Thanks for the real laughs luv. Made my day.


Anonymous said...

Wow look at my awesome spelling.

*Entertaining* lol

Anonymous said...

Wow...normally I laugh so hard my stomach hurts when I read your posts, but not today. D: Don't get me wrong, it was hilarious, but I barely cracked a smile this time. ): Something must be wrong with me. I blame the cold and snow. Great pictures btw. XD I've had to sit through some boring meetings but my cell is like very basic so I only have texting on it and it seems every time I do text someone they never answer back. XD One good thing about meetings that they most always hand out paper for I write random sentences and words for later use.

Unknown said...

Meh. Bored at work, cruising blogs, love the snotty guy. Except, that's kind of hitting home here, real hard. I am SICK. I probably spread my germy-wormy stuff all over the world today. Even got a few people picked out to catch this next, if I get a choice in the matter.

kathryn said...

Lauren: Oh! It seems to be a sign of the times! Why can't these hacking people stay HOME? They cannot POSSIBLY be healthy, right? It totally freaks me out! Take extra vitamin C!!

JD at I Do Things: Oh, you are SUCH A LADY, Lay-dee. So, basically no-one's telling off Cell-Phone Schmuck...'cause if JD won't do it, who will??

Oddyoddyo13: Consider yourself lucky. But, there's always next time!

ValleyWriter: Yeah...I doodled for quite a while before I remembered the phone! It was a big enough crowd that no-one was watching me. Worked out well!

lifelove'n'wine: I KNOW! I have never, EVER seen anyone do what he that degree. He wins the prize for the RUDEST SOB ever.

Spot: I know...I got a tad impatient only giving you 10 seconds to answer. Hope daughter is feeling MUCH better today. We'll have to TP schmuck's house, pronto!

Wendy Blum: I'm telling you...I've never seen anyone so blatantly rude. It was a FIRST...and probably not a last. I've never been a germophobe, but I may become one after this!

Heather: I'm telling the 3rd or 4th coughing fit, I became concerned. What was this man doing out in public? Don't ppl realize that coughing into your hand is moot? I promise you...someone wound up shaking his hand. EWWWW!

B-ster: Okay, we need to come up with a Voodoo doll for you boss! Da nerve! Your meeting was WAY worse than mine!

Ron! Thank you, sweetie! Cellphone guy was the rudest I've ever seen...I STILL can't get over how incredibly rude he was. That poor attorney woman didn't know WHAT to do! The coughing freaked me out...I really DID look like that picture...da horror!! xoxo

kathryn said...

Tinkerschnitzel: Ouch! have my blessing with telling the guy to "get off the f@%#ing phone", but you've gotta get rid of that pain. I think I see a dentist (or some serious pain meds) in your future!

Dreamfarm Girl: I KNOW! It's the worst behavior I've ever none. His wife was next to him and she looked mortified....and rightfully so!

Maureen@IslandRoar: Thank you! Yes, like you (I'm imagining) I'm always filing it away....and trying to convince myself that it'll sound good on paper...later!

book*addict: I know what you mean. Being bored is the least of anyone's problems, right? I sure hope that S is feeling much better today.

Kimberly: Aw! What the hell! Do we care THAT MUCH what Josh thinks? I think NOT!

carissajaded: EWWWW! Get that thing away from me!!! I swear, I'm turning into a germophobe before my very eyes!

Smileyfreak: I couldn't agree more. Thanks for the always seems funnier AFTER...

evilteenietiff: Uh-huh. Isn't that a great graphic? I'd been waiting for a place to use it.

chickasauras_rex: HA! That's okay...I knew what you MEANT. I'm glad to deliver the laughs. Your comments make ME's a win/win!

Insanity: Huh. I'm sorry I couldn't elicit a laugh out of you today. Well, we can't hit every one out of the ballpark, ya know? I've JUST upgraded...brand spanking new. Meetings'll never be the same again. Whee!

jmberrygirl: Aw! I'm so sorry you're siiiiick! Lots of people are, from what I can gather. You have my permission to pass it along to anyone who was ever mean to you! (I'll never tell.)

dailyseeking said...

Your writing is very good and so true to life. Your blogs make me laugh, I really like them. When I'm in meetings I can't escape from I create words.

Amber Lea Easton said...

Hilarious! Every time I read your blog, I exit with a smile. Thanks for that!

Oh, and I love the way your images work so well with your words. Genius!

kathryn said...

dailyseeking: Thank you! I'm glad I can make you create words? That's a great idea!

Moxie Girl aka Amber Lea: Thank you! That is so nice to hear! You've made my evening!

Momiji chan said...

wow >.< that's not even funny that's sad haha ive been to meetings like that and its sucks big time you have to wait an hour for nothing even if its not for you (little brother is still in school) yes i know what your thinking lame right well not really cus he's star of the waterpolo team and i will be soon to cus i'm making a bunny mascot for them to go to california i've gotten interested after all these years over a bunny *giggles i guess you can im a little bored and yes i will be taking pictures lots of them >.< thanks for asking kathryn!

Bobby Allan said...

Did I miss something? WHY did you have to attend? And WHY didn't you get up and leave?

Were you still wearing your diaper and hat at the end of the night?

Lynn said...

Practice the fine art of thumb twiddling. :o) Oy--doesn't the clock crawl when the meeting is boring, though? Yup. Twiddle. Pass notes. Throw spit balls. You know the drill.

Runnergirl said...

Yet another post that had me in stitches. Seriously, you should write a book - making every day mundane life amusing!

I hate meetings where I say nothing and wonder why I'm there. Unfortunately they always tell me that it's essential that I'm there...

Cynica Sarcastamos said...

I'm late for the party again...
Oh, this was funny!
But it reminded me of something I have been trying desperately to forget...
A few months back I saw Rudy Giuliani speak. He was on a square stage in the middle of a large arena and our seats we're right up front. The lights above him were quite revealing - like the rays of sunlight shining through a window - showcasing a kabillion little dust particles floating around.
Anyhoo, every time Rudy spoke, we could see his saliva spraying about 18 inches outward.
We were pretty disgusted (and distracted) by that aspect of his talk and were sort of thinking that Rudy was a little spit pig. But then several others spoke and spit, too. They all sprayed!
(What the Hey! This is not a boxing match so what's with the flying bodily fluids?!)
So I ask, is this simply a public speaker 'projection' thing, or do we all get covered in saliva when conversing with another human at close range?
And where's my surgical mask, anyway?!
I guess my point is, where gettin' doused constantly whether we're sharing airspace with a cougher or just talking. Ehhhhck!

MeanDonnaJean said...

Kathryn Kathryn Kathryn....whatEVER are we gonna DO with you? You are much too talented a writer to be wastin' that enormous gift God blessed ya with on this here BLOG....(but Lord knows I'm mighty glad that ya ARE!).


kathryn said...

saku chan: So, you can understand what I'm talking about then...good and bad!Well, if getting interested in water polo means being interested in a bunny, then so be it! Glad you'll be taking lots of pics in Japan!

Chrissy: Well...I'd lost the hat, but still maintained the diaper! It was one of those stupid district meetings where everyone gets to raise their hand and talk about stuff no-one else cares about.

Allegria: Uh-huh! Well, texting and emailing are just the grown-up versions of spitballs and passing notes, right??

Runnergirl: I KNOW! I totally agree about saying nothing, yet having to be there. And I'm so glad I've made you laugh...that's the whole point!!

Cynica Sarcastamos: OhMYGOD!!! This is hilarious!! I think you might be right....if everyone else was doing it too, it must just be a natural think that normally isn't showcased with a kazillion lights. But, EWWW! (I bumped into Guliani *literally* in Little Italy a few years back...he shook my hand and smiled but I don't believe there was any spitting involved.) Great story!!

MeanDonnaJean: Oh, I think you've just made my DAY!!! Thank you so much....(sniff!) it's so great to be appreciated! (sniff, sniff!!)

Sara's Whimsy said...

I HATE those boring group-think seminars! Mainly because of the other people that come with them! You should've thrown gum or spitwads at cell-phone-jerk.

kathryn said...

Sara's Whimsy: I was DYING. Every time I thought we were DONE with a topic, someone else raised their hand. Cell-phone-idiot-jerk was beyond stupid. Seriously.

prashant said...

But YOU always choose such perfect images. Work From Home

kathryn said...

prashant: Thank you!

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