Monday, November 30, 2009

Teeny Hypno

Well. You think you know a person. Like….I dunno…, for instance. I’ll bet a lot of you think you know me.

“Well…yeah,” you say. “You’re one of those goofy people who hits her head on the open cabinet door, then leans down to pick something up…and hits her head again.”

Huh. Maybe you do know me….or, are you watching me?
My ever-wise IV, the handsome and witty Clinton Kelly has suggested an intervention to “knock some sense into that noggin of yours”. I’ve agreed to a teeny hypnotherapy session, as Mr. Kelly has assured me that he’s done this at least once before and nobody’s reported him to any law enforcement agency...that we're aware. So, I figure….what the hell? Bring it.

Dr. Kelly: “Do you have any other pads? I’d feel a little more professional if I wasn’t holding a binder with three-dimensional skulls on the cover and Connor’s name written on it with a Sharpie.”

Kathryn: “Nope. Sorry…that’ll have to do. Just fold it over…no-one can see you, ya know….”

CK: “Um. Shouldn’t you be lying down on some institutional couch that has a lingering smell of desperation and a tear-stained pillow for under your head?”

K: “You wish. I much prefer sitting ramrod straight, staring intently into those cornflower eyes and making absolutely sure you don’t somehow screw this up and permanently change my sparking, remarkably resilient personality and replace it with some corporate drone who speaks in monotone and spends long, awkward silences counting the acoustic ceiling tiles and drooling.”

CK: (Throws down pad with 3-D skulls on cover) “Okay. I’m out. There’s no hope for you. I’m calling the men in the white coats.”

K: (Whines) “No! You said you’d do this! You said you’d help me to become more…focused. Help with the stress. Unless you don’t think you can do it….”

CK: (Squinty-eyed stare…thinking. Finally picks up pad.) “MY session. MY rules. Lean back in that chair and close your eyes.”

K: “Oh, my….you’re so…forceful.”

CK: “Kathryn.”

K: “FINE.”

CK: “Try to relax….and think of someplace peaceful and calm.”

K: “My back is itchy.”

CK: (Sighs) “So, scratch.”

K: “I can’t reach it.”

(Turns back towards Dr. Kelly, who simultaneously rolls his eyes whilst scratching Kathryn’s back)

CK: “Now focus. Happy place….peaceful….no worries….”

K: (Frowns) “Wait. Is tonight Tuesday? Is it garbage night?”

CK: “Are you trying to appear crazy? ‘Cause you’re doing a damn fine job of it.”

K: (Sullenly) “Pish. Whatever. Daisies….butterflies….seagulls….warm sun….hummmmmm

CK: “Are you mocking? ‘Cause your mental instability’s gotten you this far…maybe we shouldn’t mess with it. Your blog might suffer. Did you ever think of that??”


CK: “I’ll stop if you’ll promise to lighten up on the self-recrimination. You’re only one person…24 hours in a day… yada, yada. You’re not Superman and sometimes you can’t make things happen any faster than they’re supposed to.”

K: “Pot…kettle, Clinton. And is ‘yada, yada’ a board-certified therapeutic word?”

CK: “It is when I say it is. Agreed?”

K: (Smiles wearily) “Agreed. I’ll try, anyway.”

CK: “Okay! Another successful blog-intervention…brought to you by FAWK, Rubbermaid, and Verizon.”

K: “My hero…”

Unknown said...

If it is indeed mental instability that keeps your blog so entertaining, then leave it be! :) Love it!

Lauren said...

Ha! When I'm in therapy I don't get to lay down. That's actually really weird because I was discussing this today in the WC. I would prefer to lay down so that I don't have to look at my therapist and see her reading me like a book. Never done hypnotherapy... wonder what would come of that. Very funny blog either way. Bravo!

Lynn said...

Mmmnnn....back scratches...

If you were at my place, you'd be banging your head on the cabinet because I left it open. It's a bad habit...ask my husband.

Jenny said...

Ah, Clinton. You two make a lovely couple. :)

Anonymous said...

Clinton's such a sweetheart, scratching your back for you. Oh and leave the insanity, we don't want any monotones or drooling here.
*mob shouts YEAH!!!*
No boring normalcy here, or there'll be a coup de blog. Some serious blog-peachment will go down!

Tina said...

You are so good! Love the dialogues!

Kensi said...

ha! Sounds like what goes on in my head all day long....

Spot said...

Insanity is what makes the greats "great". Seriously, look at Poe, Plath, think those people were sane? Okay so they also self medicated and I don't want you to go there...but I think slight insanity is probably a good thing, creatively speaking. So no more therapy!!


Ron said...

Hi Kathryn!!


Hey listen, I think the most interesting people are INSANE.

I mean, look at ME!


And I agree with the ever-wise words of therapist CK...

'Cause your/our mental instability's has gotten you/us this far....maybe we shouldn't mess with it'.

Right on, CK!!!!

Stay as you are, Tootsie!

It's what makes you...YOU!

Have a FAAABULOUS day!


Heather said...

OMG, you are too funny!!

Why is sanity any better than insanity? Leave her be Clinton!

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

Fabulous. Enjoyed every minute of it.

JD at I Do Things said...

If I could find a therapist who JUST scratches my back, I think I'd be completely cured of everything.

Gay Guy said...

Great post! I admire you ability to capture that interior monologue.

Why don't you write a TV script?

Unknown said...

I hate when I misread the title... I was *really* looking forward to a post about a teeny hippo! You owe me now... I'll be expecting payment within the week. ;o) *smirk*

‘Cause your mental instability’s gotten you this far…maybe we shouldn’t mess with it.

This seriously made me laugh out loud. I have this thought (to myself) at least once a week! :oP

Myne said...

Wow you do dialogue really well and thats difficult with stream of consciousness writing. Funny story too, well done.

carissajade said...

haha I don't think you're crazy at ALL!!

*twiddles thumbs*

Seriously, we love your crazy, dont you dare try to cure it!

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Aw Kathryn, don't go into therapy! We love you just the way you are. Your crazy, cabinet head hitting self.....

Dreamfarm Girl said...

Your dialogue and scenes are just the best! More focused and help with the stress...I need a teeny hypno session too.

Mark Price said...

That Clinton Kelly sure wears a lot of different hats around your place. I like these posts.

KT said...

jajajaja! Kathryn have YOU realized that Mr. Clinton Kelly IS in your head and HE can't really scratch your back??? Maybe it's because I'm a little (ok a lot) insane myself, but you SEEM perfectly sane to me.
Oh, your sponsors. Especially, FAWK. You know? if you want to curse you could just simply curse. jajajaja

wendy said...

Yep, I agree with Clinton. You're cuckoo for cocoa puffs! But in a GOOD way =) So, your brand of crazy won't hinder me from reading your blogs XD

kathryn said...

Kimberly: You are a sweetheart for saying so!

Lauren: Thanks! Is "WC" water closet? Like the restroom? I could come up w/a lot of guesses for "WC", but my brain is fried today....

Allegria: Aren't back scratches da bomb?? So, your place is concussion-central for me, eh?!

Jenny: Thank you. He completes least, I think he does.

Fierce: Ha! "Coup de blog" that! You are too funny!

Tina: Thank you! I love writing them as well!

Kensi: HA! Welcome to the insanity, then!

Spot: So we great, insane people need to stick together...right?!

RON! You and I, bay-bee....insanity one-oh-one.
Let the good times ROLL!

Heather: Thanks, sweetie! Clinton's just trying to keep me from completely going off the deep end. (Sometimes, I come a little too close...)

kathryn said...

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt: So glad! I had just as much fun writing it!

JD at I Do Things: HA! Yummy. I could definitely get on board with that!

GayGuy: Thanks, sweetie. A TV script like Seinfeld's? The story about...nothing? Pish. And all I see from my end is my #'s dropping...(sigh)...

Smoog: The teeny hippo? Oh, you're too funny! I guess we're all on the same page w/ the insanity/instability issue, huh??

Myne Whitman: Oh, thank you! I appreciate the compliment!

carissajaded: Of course YOU love my crazy....we're practically SISTERS!

Oddyoddyo13: Ha! "Cabinet-head-hitting-self"....that is SO ME! (I guess you really DO know me!)

Dreamfarm Girl: So, join me on the couch! (I mean, chair.) Clinton's eyes are the dreamiest, if nothing else!

Mark Price: Yes, CK is a busy guy. He brings out the best convos though...don't you think??

book*addict: I'm trying to find a balance between my desire to let loose (re: the cursing) and being a good, sane (smirk) role model. And HEY-If he's in my head, how come my back doesn't itch anymore?

wendy blum: Aw! Thank you for enjoying my "brand of crazy" (love this!) for it's the only one I have!

Anonymous said...

I think being a bit insane is like the new "normal". XD

oh and btw..sorry I haven't been commenting..I've had some major computer troubles and the one I was borrowing wouldn't let me read your blog.

kathryn said...

Gavin: Well, I've missed you! And I'd like to request that computer you borrowed be put to sleep....for not letting you into my place! Welcome back to the insanity!!

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