Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Ribbon Whore

As I’m sure my best blogbud Ron over at VENT would probably attest: “Put the right spin on it and people will buy just about anything”. (Amen to that.)

That said, I shall tell the tale of The Ribbon Whore.

One sunny Saturday, two sisters…one fair of hair and practical in nature…the other…well, yours truly, took off (sans offspring, cell phones or any other distractions) to an undisclosed location...to an unmarked, little-known, top-secret-I’d-have-to-execute-you-if-I-told-you-where-it-was warehouse where bargains abound and where the suspiciously nonexistent owners charge only a fraction of what you’d pay anywhere else.

We shall call this magical place “Fantastic Unreal Warehouse Kingdom”…or FAWK, for short.

Be prepared to be amazed. Here is the first item to catch my (twinkly-sparkly, almond-shaped) eye:

May I present Exhibit “A”:

Notice the stunning faux-mink scarf Metro’s annoyingly casually wearing. So stylish! So chic!

Notice the manufacturer’s suggested retail price:
(Yes, Ron…it says $43.00. “What,” you say?…“It’s ludicrous!”….but, it’s faux-mink! MINK, I tell ya!! Take a sip of your cocktail, dahling….it’ll be over in a sec….)

FAWK’s price:
Yes, that reads $5.99. Now….I’m not one of those fancy-schmancy retail-experts…but I do believe that anyone who has paid the “full manufacturer’s suggested retail price” for this item has possibly suffered….a personal violation….in a very…(ahem)…personal way....if you get my drift. (um-hmmmm.)

Yikes. Geez. Oy. But, good for me!

At this point in our quest, sis…who shall remain nameless (it was Laura) and I went our separate ways…she in search of practical, necessary stocking-stuffers and Christmas gifts, whilst I went wandering around like a three-year-old on his first trip to FAO Schwartz, complete with turning around quickly and knocking things off many over-stuffed shelves.

I started to wonder if maybe she was embarrassed to be seen with me. I noticed this especially after I’d climbed up two shelves to turn off the most annoying Christmas train ever that kept playing the same part of Jingle Bells over…and over…and over till I thought I was gonna lose my freakin’ mind. I swear…at least 5 people sighed with relief when I found that elusive “off” switch.

However, the tables were quickly turned when I heard a familiar gasp…followed by a bit of a moan…and realized that sis was in trouble! I quickly started down the aisles…looking alternately left and right…my brow furrowed with deep sisterly concern.

That’s when I hear her announce in a very LOUD unlady-like voice, “Oooh! Look! I am such a RIBBON WHORE!”
Needless to say, I kept walking past her aisle…pretending I’d no clue who she was.

Later, upon hitting the checkout lane, we saw a vast array of strange, exotic bottles:
I basically blew right past ‘em, but they caught Laura’s eye. So, we hunkered down for a closer inspection:
They had a bottle for EVERYTHING. The first bottle sis picked up was for INSOMNIA…as she loudly proclaimed…adding LOUDLY that I could benefit from this remedy. She then spotted another bottle and loudly proclaimed, “MENOPAUSE” in a voice about five times louder than the average conversational level. By this point, she had everyone’s attention. Someone in the back of the line politely asked, “What are the ingredients?” at which time Laura began the tell-tale moving of the bottle towards the face and away from the face…in the universal “damned if I can read this f*%#ing writing” pantomime.

Turns out, they have a website! I came across their remedy for issues with the respiratory system:

PLUS they add the following important information to the above:

But wait……………………there’s more………………………….:


Not done yet:



…..and finally:
So. I figure for a for a mere $573,258.00 you too can be healthy and free of the plague of respiratory system issues!

That is, unless they discontinue the # 7998 “Colloidal Silver Water Generator”.

Then, you’re screwed.


Dreamfarm Girl said...

I've been anticipating reading The Ribbon Whore since the teaser yesterday, and I was not disappointed! I laughed the whole way through. I need to go to FAWK's and get me some of that Menopause herbal remedy. Luckily for me and my retirement, I do not need the half a mil treatment for respiratory.

Lauren said...

That's a whole lotta sh@t. It puts the song that never ends to shame. And it costs more!

I can relate to the ribbon whore thing. I'm a happy ending whore. Watching me finish a book or movie is a very interesting experience. People also pretend they don't know me in these instances.

Fierce said...

Awww Kathryn! *pouting* come on, tell us which sister it was. I don't know why, but I have this weird feeling her name is Laura, so is it?
Need healthy lungs? Spend $573,258.00 so you can die of stress-induced-cardiac-arrest instead. But hey, look on the bright side, at least you'll have healthy lungs!
You had me laughing all the way through with this one. I should totally see if they have a FAWK here so I can go buy a rubbermaid... and maybe some ribbons too.
;)
xoxo

book*addict said...

Those ribbons looked so pretty! I'd probably be a ribbon whore as well, if I saw all that many shiny colors on strategically made fabric. *sigh* I think that when I visit you, you should definitely never take me to FAWK. BTW, FAWK sounds very similar to another word. Hmm...I think that was intentional. ANYWAYS, your sister sounds very much like my mom who can somehow (despite the hugeness of the store) will catch every single breathing organisms' attention.

~:C:~ said...

Forget the cost! Do you realize how much friggin time you would have to devote to swallowing all those little bottles? You'd pretty much have to kiss your current life goodbye, stop washing and brushing your hair, move to a commune in Oregon, and proceed to dedicate the rest of your smelly existance to ingesting hundreds of different drops in the magically correct order.

Alicia said...

I've been a whore for many things but never for ribbon! Oh wait...that didn't come out right. I mean I didn't get paid or anything, not that I was a whore for free but...oh well...nevermind, this comment isn't going anywhere good.

Ok, just forget all I wrote up there and let me say that this was a great post, very funny and educational!

If I ever have a respiratory ailment and half a million dollars I know how to cure it! Thanks Kathryn, and thanks for stopping by so often, I'm honored! Truly...after all you were a Blog of Note, well I don't mean were, I mean you still are, but ok...here I go again, just rambling. Disregard most of this and just know I loved this post!

J9 said...

If you take too much collodial silver, your skin turns blue, which could be kind of cool.

Heather said...

Well since ~:C:~ said what I was thinking, I will just add "I don't think so!!!!" and "Anyone that does it is CRAZY!!"

FAWK sounds like my kind of store. You shop with your sister in the same manner as I do with my family, just walk on by like we don't know each other. LOL

Collette said...

Amazing how much it ccosts just to be healthy. And here I thought all I had to do was eat right, exercise & get the proper amount of sleep. Hmm...apparently not...LOL!

Tina said...

I had a dream about this warehouse about two weeks ago. Weird!

jh said...

I always knew you were a ribbon whore! It was just obvious to me. It's kinda weird to see Metro digging the fur, but then again animals are carnivores, so I guess it makes sense. Tho I don't think Metro has a clue. Lucky dog. Well, being that I have bronchitis this blog spoke to me, can I just brag about that? Yes, I'm suffering but I'm just so strong I'll make it thru~

ValleyWriter said...

See - I knew I was missing out on great adventures by not having a sister! I have no ribbon whore to be my cookie cutter whore foil. (Yes, I have an unhealthy obsession with cookie cutters. But I've started a 12-step program and I think it's going well. But we'll see how Christmas baking goes...)

Spot said...

Um. So what are you going to do with that faux mink stole? Do people under 80 even still wear stoles? I'm pretty sure I'd get laughed out of town...

I'm suprised those little bottles didn't say "snake oil". Isn't that what they used to call the fake meds that con men sold out of the backs of wagons in the old days. I'd totally only buy that stuff from some guy selling it out of the back of his car.

At least there wasn't one for constipation...that's the one my mom would have found and announced loudly.

Funny post. I want to go shopping now.
♥Spot

Belle said...

Oh I have all those things in my pantry! I'm set.

Jan said...

Hilarious!

Gingerella said...

Just proves....always read the fine print! Hmm, as one who has asthma, I'll stick to my prescription which only costs $28 a month. ;)

Gigi said...

Okay Kathryn, I must know the name to this secret warehouse and is there one near me??

Thank you for your kind words of support - I really appreciate it!

Tinkerschnitzel said...

Hmm. Are you sure we aren't related? That sounds just like my family...just keep walking by. Glad you had a good Thanksgiving! (Oh, and I would SO wear that faux mink stole!)

Kathryn said...

Dreamfarm Girl: I'm so glad you enjoyed the post! Yep...you'll SURELY find a remedy for SOMETHING that ails you at FAWK's. Maybe even something you didn't know you had!

Lauren: Yeah...not to mention that "happy ending" can mean a LOT of different things to different people. I do believe I shall be thinking of more people in various levels of "whoredom".

Fierce: Wow! It's like...you could read my mind! And here I wanted SO BADLY to keep sister's identity a secret! Oh, well. I LOVE the way you tied the Rubbermaid in with this post....genius!!

book*addict: Well, honey...nothin' gets by you. You have no idea how long it took me to come up with a name that would spell...well, you know! My sister is a hoot and a half...that's for sure. A guaranteed laugh.

~:C:~ I KNOW! And can you imagine the bookkeeping involved...to make sure you didn't forget one of the 200 ingredients?! Oh, and I forgot to point out that EACH BOTTLE contains 20% alcohol. 20%!! That ought to help with memory!!

Alicia: Aw, sweetie....I appreciate the appreciation! I truly enjoy visiting your place...and I'm glad we get to hang out together here in blogville!

J9: Woah! I'm imagining you couldn't just do that for FUN, tho...right? (I'd better not let Taylor(17) see this!)

Gillian said...

Do they have a remedy for stoopid relatives?

Smileyfreak said...

Your posts never cease to amaze me/make me laugh *all at the same time :)* Wow those little bottles sound like miracle juice,maybe that's how Santa keeps his facial hair in such good condition :) lol Is there one for scatterbrain-ed-ness?

Jen said...

Do they have one to improve one's eyesight? What is original Limu? and are there counterfeits on the market that we should stay away from?

Kathryn said...

Heather: HA! I'm glad we're not the only family that finds it's more effective to just go our separate ways! You never know what you're gonna find at FAWK, but I just couldn't get over those "remedies".

Collette: HA! Well, how do you expect these totally upright, honest, decent manufacturers to compete with those huge pharmaceutical companies if you go the "cheap" route to staying healthy??? Hmmmmmm?????

Tina: You DID? You mean, you have a FAWK'S near you too?? Gee...those suspiciously nonexistent owners sure do get around. Maybe they have lots of relatives....

jh: Aw! I'm so sorry, honey! Bronchitis on Thanksgiving....bummer! I'll shoot you an email in a few--rest & drink! (Fluids....or, whatever!)

ValleyWriter: UH-OH. You're coming into your most dangerous time for a serious relapse! HowEVER will you ignore the temptation! Do they have a pause-button on this 12-step program??

Spot: It's not a STOLE...it's a SCARF. It's a TOTALLY different thing (sniff!). And I can almost promise you there was one for constipation. Ya want I should text you the link???

Belle: Oh, good for you! And I'll bet the 20% alcohol in each bottle just makes the days a little lighter....eh??

Jan: Thank you, my dear!

Gingerella: I think yours is the smarter way to go, sweetie. Can you imagine? Oh, and Laura couldn't even SEE the fine print...none of us could...WAY too small!!

Gigi: Any time, sweetie! Honestly, I don't think it HAS a name! There's a vague "warehouse" sign sorta in the general vacinity of the main road and that's IT. I keep forgetting it's even there.

Tinkerschnitzel: Well, perhaps we are related, since you share my familial irregularities and my adoration for the mink SCARF!

carissajade said...

I LOVE Fawks!!! It sounds like an awesome adventure!

I have no interest in ribbons as all of my gifts are lucky to even get thrown in a paper bag... but I may need that website for those little bottles. I have a thing for holistic bullshit.

Clandestiny said...

It really is expensive to be healthy these days it seems! They tell you if you keep eating the way you do you're gonna drop dead but what choice do you have when the healthier foods are double and more what the cheaper ones are??? They have us by the short hairs and they know it.

Kathryn said...

Gillian: Well, I looked under "S" (for stoopid relatives) and no luck. Perhaps I shud look under "I" for idiot?? HA!

smileyfreak: Well, I guess I'll have to go back and look under "S", now...won't I?? Maybe a combo of the one for insomnia and forgetfulness might work?!? It'll still cost you an arm and a leg, though!

Jen: I DON'T KNOW! www.healthherbs.com! Knock yourself out!

carissadade: Oh, then you'll love this holistic bullshit....'cause it's paradise there, I do believe!
As for the ribbons, I'm with you. They're lucky if I don't give 'em in the plastic bag they came in.

Kathryn said...

Clandestiny: I don't think this even qualifies as "healthy choices", sweetie! I think this is 20% alcohol, disguised as something remarkably unremarkable. Voodoo at it's finest!

Brooke said...

Where do you get your energy? Can you bottle it up and ship it my way?

JD at I Do Things said...

I've been to a cute little old-fashioned drugstore that sold thousands of those little bottles filled with elixirs for EVERYthing you can imagine. I started scooping them up, because there was an elixir for EVERYthing, as I believe I may have said. But then I realized I'd probably end up spending close to a million dollars if I bought every bottle of elixir I thought I needed. So I only got the one for energy. And it didn't work.

Now where and what is FAWK? I wanna go!

RemedyGuru/Enthusiast said...

Oh NOOO! they discontinued Liverwort??!!!!! @#%$!

Kathryn said...

Brooke: Energy? Ya think I've got energy?? Nah. I've just got a lot of pent up frustration that manifests itself into a creative junket of somewhat mindless babble. How's that?

JD at I Do Things: Well, give ME the MILLION dollars and I'll stop at FAWK and pick a little somthin'-somethin' up for you. You might even get some Thai porn back as change. Maybe. I can't tell you where it is, or I'd have to extinguish you...doesn't anyone read my posts??!

RemedyGuru/Enthusiast: Yes...I'm afraid it's true. I reacted the same way...it's like the world's gone MAD!

Anonymous said...

Hey - Great blog. I felt like I was there! Oh yes, that's right, I was there. I think. I was SO hungry by that time it was hard to focus - yet somehow I spent over $100 bucks which is not an easy feat in that place. SO tempting to buy one of those little magic bottles but I keep picturing those potions in the movie "The Empire's New Groove" and the POOF cloud of smoke and the lama turns into a frog, then POOF a whale, then POOF!!! With my luck, I would become that poor clerk behind the counter who has to put up with the likes of us. (I did slip something into her tip jar by the way. I do this when I’m grateful to not have their job which is pretty much all the time.) Ahhh Yes, the secret warehouse...and in a thousand years from now they'll be doing an archeological dig in that location and they'll come across one of those little magic bottles and wonder if it also came in pill form. Ahem. By the way, you forgot to mention that those little magic bottles all contained ALCOHOL, 12% each I think. So you could actually purchase those little airline bottles of booze instead and suck one down each morning (oh okay, three times a day – but with meals!) and get the same results, I’m sure. You’ll either be cured of whatever, or you just won’t care. Same difference.
Love,
Laura

Kathryn said...

Anonymous-Laura: HA! Actually, sweetie...it was 20% alcohol, as displayed in the photo from the website. And yeah, I was annoyed I forgot to mention that in the post.
As you can see, there's many who would have love to have joined us on this magical adventure to this oh-so-magical place!
PS: I'm not surprised you drooped $100-you got a good jump on shopping there!

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