Since this site was created, I’ve tried my best to make you smile. It’s brought me more joy than you’ll ever know to hear the encouraging comments and cyber-laughs that sometimes ensue from my um, unusual take on life. Tomorrow will be another typical post, from another typical day.
This however, is the exception for the year. For today is October 18th… and it marks the anniversary of the day we lost Mom. It was the day our world turned upside down. It’s hard to believe that nine years have passed since that day. The years pass...the familiar ache diminishes ever so slightly...everyday moments become easier to endure…they do.
But still, we wonder: How long does a child grieve for its lost mother? Is there an expiration date on mourning? A day where the heartache just…melts away? A moment where you won’t be brought to tears by some unexpected, gentle reminder she’s left behind?
She’s not supposed to be gone, you know. Why can’t anyone understand that simple fact? Her death was never supposed to happen…not now, not for a very long time. We should have had years with her…thousands of conversations, hundreds of shopping trips, countless lunches and brunches out. I feel cheated and immeasurably sad. Live has moved on, but it’s not the same anymore. She’s not there. I can’t just pick up the phone and find her. I dream that I’m trying to call her…and the numbers are wrong…or the phone’s unplugged; stupid, frustrating reasons. The dreams always end with silence…where the warm sound of her voice should have been.
Our relationship with her was a much a friendship as anything…somewhere along the way, we crossed some imaginary line and became really good friends with our mother. Does that happen a lot these days? I’ve no clue, but I sensed even then how unique it was. A coming of age…finally appreciating her for the person she was and not just the one we could run to for unconditional help and support. She watched her three girls bring seven babies into the world and shared in the joy of watching them grow…but it was finite. She never got to see her only son marry his soul mate…never got to hold their precious babies.
The injustice of it all leaves me breathless. I don’t want time to heal this wound…don’t want life to go on without her.
Doesn’t anyone understand? I want her back.
How do we go on with life when we feel like we’ve left someone behind? When every instinct is screaming inside to run back for the one who’s missing?
How do we celebrate another celebration when someone so…essential is gone? They say the first of everything after a loss is the hardest…and it undeniably is. Surviving those aching moments of bereavement makes the next round easier to bear…but it still hurts. She’s still gone. The holidays are approaching…and the memories are fast on its heels and we must once again find a way to make it through.
And I guess that’s the crux of it all. No matter what anyone says or does, the undeniable fact is that life will go on without her …like it or not. Somehow, we’ll need to accept this and find a way to move on. Maybe the way to do that is to imagine what Mom would have to say about it: That you can’t let your loss keep you from living. That just because she lost her life doesn’t mean she wants us to stop appreciating ours. That if anything, we should embrace all that she loved in this life, especially each other, and hold tight to our memories, our hopes and dreams...for they were hers as well.
We’ll never forget. We’ll honor her every day by following her example:
- Find the good in life and make it matter.
- Take the high road whenever you can.
- And don’t forget to take care of yourself.
I may never be able to put my arms around her again, except in my dreams, but I can still talk to her. I’ll share memories of her with the boys often, so they’ll never forget this woman who meant the world to me. I’ll remind them and all those I cherish how much I love them, so I’ll have no doubt that they always know.
And I’ll never doubt for a moment that she’s listening.
"Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance~
And if you get the chance to sit it out, or dance…I hope you dance."