Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Insecure & Sharp

I recently installed a program to scan my computer for security threats. I already have many, many such programs installed on my laptop, but those malicious little buggers still manage to niggle their way in….and short of hosing down my computer with Lysol or flinging it out the window (both of which I’ve fantasized doing at one time or another), I feel my defense options are somewhat limited.

My latest security software scanned for several minutes and then made the following announcement:

"You have eleven security threats, with the worst rated as a Category 4 Threat. Listed below are the Insecure Programs, Threat Ratings and Possible Solutions to be applied."

So, evidently my software has self-esteem issues. Being the nurturing, selfless individual that I am, I initiated a dialogue with the unconfident software to see if we can resolve its issues:

Kathryn: “Software! I understand you’ve got some…concerns we may need to discuss.”

Laptop: “Yo, Mama bear. ‘Sup? I’m a little snowed under right now…maybe you didn’t notice that hourglass flipping over, under, around and through? Perhaps we could chat after a reboot…when you don’t have me juggling…like, twelve programs all at the same time?”

K: “I understand you’re feeling a bit stressed…but this simply cannot wait. You’re getting slower and slower….who do you think you are? Stanley Spud?”

L: “Uh….I think you mean ‘Benjamin Button’? And he gets younger and younger, for the record. Who the hell is Stanley Spud? Is that Mr. Potato Head's real name? Hang on...I'll Google it. Meanwhile, you’ve got to start paying more attention, dude. (Heavy sigh) Great...now I'm juggling thirteen programs....”

K: “Boy, you sure don’t sound like you’ve got insecurity issues….if anything, you sound pretty damn cocky to ME.”

L: “That’s because I have the capacity to know virtually everything…and that’s basically the polar opposite of YOU.”

K: “HEY. You apologize RIGHT NOW, or SO HELP ME….”

L: “Help you? That’s all I DO is help you! And entertain you…and correct your marginally passable spelling…and flash you images of blue-eyed cabana men in a vain attempt to distract you from finishing that assignment piece that's due in two freakin' days.”

K: “HEY. What I do in the privacy of my---why am I explaining myself to you?…and this is SO not the point. What is your problem, anyway? You never used to relate to me this way!”

L: “Well, times...they are a-changin’. Now that I’ve seen every photo you’ve ever taken…and read every thought you’ve ever contemplated…and looked up and answered every question you’ve ever raised, I can’t help but wonder: What do I get in return? I mean…it’s not like you need to feed me, or change me. And when was the last time you kissed the top of my screen and said ‘Good job processing that article on fibro muscular displacia’?”

K: “Well. I had no idea. Why didn’t you speak up…instead of slowing down?”

L: “Sometimes being sensitive gets in the way of being sharp …”

K: “You’re not a Sharp, honey…you’re a Toshiba.”

(Music swells in background…..Kathryn places gentle kiss on laptop’s cover…as Queen’s “You’re My Best Friend” fittingly plays in the background).


Fade to black.

Picture Imperfect said...

Aw Kathryn I feel your pain. I had a very insecure PC for a long time. Thankfully now, I have a secure and (so far) very safe Toshiba laptop.

I think I will keeesss eet now.

*mwah* Lub you Toshee.

Good luck with the security threats. It can be alot of work getting the bugs out!

Have a fantabulous day and try not to Lysol your computer. I hear it's really hard to recover programs from the bleach treatment. ;)

~Smoog
(AKA Penny)

Kathryn said...

Hey Smoog! Awwww....total Hallmark moment w/you kissing Toshee. I have a Toshee laptop as well...maybe they're cousins. (I was gonna say "maybe they're from the same litter", but I was afraid I'd crash 'em both).
But...but...no lysol? How else do I get the virus out?? I'll run all the spy/virus/threat programs simultaneously whilst I'm out to lunch. That shud do the trick!
Great to see you, sweetie!!

Paul F. said...

Matt C Arnold of Stock Road, Billericy is a complete nob!

evilteenietiff said...

pfft, my friend licked my laptop screen once, Poor Gladys.

I named my laptop Gladys, because even though she was only bought early this year she is already an old biddy, what with computers always getting better and better and all.

Gladys is an old stubborn biddy, she won't run certain programs, doesn't like certain music either. She's a picky ol' prune but I don't know what I'd do without her.

Did you ever ask Ol' Toshi its name? perhaps you should discuss these matters over a nice hot cup of tea.

Just don't pour it into their keyboards or motherboards, they don't really like it.

Kathryn said...

evilteenietiff: Hey, Gladys! I don't think I've ever met a Gladys before...is that because any human by that name is already deceased? That name is def from another era...like Mildred, or Agnes. I shall have to discuss Laptop's name with him (for I'm sure it's a "he", as he's got SUCH attitude)-
I will roll this around in my muddled brain till the answer comes to me. Or, I suppose I could ASK him. Great comment, as usual!

evilteenietiff said...

haha, my laptop bag is named Agnes, they get together and talk about the goold ol' days when they were top stuff, and they curse at the new fangled technology.

and thanks, great blog entry as usual~

Paige said...

My computer is simply touchy. Sometimes it's slow, insecure, and does some idiotic things. Sometimes it's quite smart.
Hilarious exchange, by the way, between the two of you.

book*addict said...

I just gotta say i am truly loving your blog. =)

Mike Steelman said...

Wonderful! Love the choice of music at the end. I can just picture the kiss as Freddy Mercury sings - "Oh, Your my best friend..."

Antonio Barbosa said...

Hey Kathryn, why don't you start to use a MAC? :-D

Ron said...

Oh...this is too BRILLIANT!

And listen, I TOTALLY hear you on this because presently I am having some MAJOR issues with my software (VISTA, which I despise). It is SOOOOO SLOW. And you're right because I have several security programs on my computer and those buggers still get through. Thank god they nab them and place them into the vault - pronto!

I'll be doing as Antonio suggested just as soon as I can afford one...getting a MAC.

Have a great day, my friend!
XO

~:C:~ said...

I have been known to toss a Sony VAIO out a 12th floor window. Just that one time, though. :D

Spot said...

First you were answering yourself, now your computer is talking to you. Really, Kathryn, I'm worried about you. I'm going to have to keep reading this blog just so I can keep an eye on you...(see how nicely I justified putting off doing any work because I simply have to help my friend out by doing this one teensy little thing for her...?)

I don't have a laptop...just a desktop with vista no less. But we seem to muddle through just fine. Unless of course I want to open more then two tabs at a time. But we can't have everything, now can we?

Loved your blog (as usual!).

♥Spot

Insanity said...

Luckily I haven't had much trouble with my laptop. Though it does tend to freak out more then I like. Dumb thing. But the security thing always insists there's nothing wrong so I guess it's just the computer itself that's a dud. -rolls eyes- Anyways, I love the conversation. (: I'm sure if I had a chit chat with my computer there'd be a lot more choice words and the ending wouldn't be so pretty. Haha.

Monica Manning said...

Hilarious! I followed over from Mike Steelman's "The Casual Observer". Add another notch to your Follower belt.

Gingerella said...

Hmm...snogging the computer...I'll have to remember that next time mine is running slow. Maybe give it a good dusting first though... ;)

Gigi said...

Just a suggestion - try downloading and running Windows Defender (it's free). I took the MacAfee off mine as IT folks told me it can make the computer run slow. So I did and then put the Defender to work - now my computer is like brand new again (it's a Toshiba too!). Hmmm - maybe Bill Gates ought to be paying me for talking up his products . . .

JP said...

I really hate computers sometimes... Which isn't a good thing since I'm a computer tech. People ask me all the time "Why did it do that?" My stock answer is "You know, I have no idea... if I knew all there was to know about computers, I'd be making a hell of a lot more money than I do now..." They chuckle and go on their way.

As for my computer talking... good lord the stories it could tell...

Chelsea said...

Haha "insecure" programs, never got that message before. Funny convo!

Most people tend to get mad at the the computer's monitor when their computer starts acting up, not realizing its not the actual "computer." Resulting in a lot of beaten up computer screens.

Poor monitors..

lifelove'n'wine said...

Love this. This reminds me of a post I wrote years ago in college of a conversation between me and my printer. I'm going to have to repost it in my new blog soon I think!

JP said...

Chelsea: I can't tell you the number of times I've asked someone to restart their machine and 5 seconds later the come back and say "ok I did it."
"Uhhh... it's back up already?"
"yeah!"
"Ok... this time I want you to shut your computer off, not the monitor."
"I did!"
After which we proceed to get into a 5 minute argument about whether or not she shut down the right thing with her claiming that I'm calling her an idiot... all of which ends with the question "Oh, you want me to turn the box off?"

YES!!!!!

Kathryn said...

evilteenietiff: HA! You've named the laptop bag as well? I'm thinking about "Ike". I started with "AYFKM" for AreYouFreakin'KiddingMe?, took out the "F" & "M" and got AYK= Ike. Makes perfect sense, right? Thanks for the nice compliment on today's post!

Hey Paige! Welcome back! How kind of you to refer to your computer as "simply touchy". Those are not ANY of the words that popped into my head. Thanks for the lovely comment!

book*addict: Thank you so much! And I'M loving having you here! Seriously!

Mike Steelman: Thank you! Can't you just hear the swelling of the music? Doesn't everyone feel that way about their computer??
Thanks so much for the comment.

Antonio Barbosa: Are you freakin' kidding me? Do you know how long it took me to figure out the PC? And you want me to start over again?? It'd be like giving birth ALL OVER...think of the anguish! (And you'd have to hear about it!)Although...all you "creative types" seem to be on MAC's....hmmmmm.

Hey Ron! I have Vista too, my friend. We're suffering together. SO, the viruses are getting thru, but you can't listen to my audio clip? What's wrong w/this picture??
Grrrrr. That's gonna be the bane of my existence. xoxo!

~:C:~ Only that one time, huh? What about that time we tried to see if we could get internet from the top of that ladder...on the terrace...in the rain...and you dropped laptop from 8' up? Or, doesn't that time count? ;)

Hey Spot-friend! Yes, you SHOULD be worried about me. Any sane person would be. And with lovely ppl like you watching out for me, I'm off the hook for self-policing...right? I can talk to the toaster and you won't let those nice men in the white coats in the front door...right? Riiiight. Thanks for watching my back!

Hey Insanity! Don't forget, I DO hold back a bit on the language when I blog. I have been known to swear like a sailor at times...but usually, I just wrap my hands gently around laptop's throat and say "What? Do? You? WANT????!!!?"
That usually ends the discussion and it reboots all by itself.

Monica Manning: Welcome and thanks to Mike for the referral! (I sound like a doctor's office.) I'm glad you're here. Thanks for commenting and flwg!

Gingerella: You can dust, but I think it needs the smooch more. At least, mine does...it really loooooves me. (I think) Tks for the comment!

Gigi: Huh. Thanks for the suggestion. Actually, I took Mcafee off almost immediately...I've got some security thing that came with the cable company. I'll def look into defender...I'd LOVE for laptop to act like new! Renewed romance! Thanks again.

JP: Oh, hilarious! I thought you tech guys knew EVERYTHING....you know...half computer, half man? I thought that's why you get the big bucks?! Yeah, it's a good thing computers can't blackmail us. Or, can they??

Chelsea: HA! Not me...I'm an equal-opportunity beater-upper. The monitor and keyboard get my angst equally. Thanks for the comment-

lifelove'n'wine: So, you talk to your printer. Well, that's just weird! (JK!) Jen, I talk to EVERYTHING...and EVERYONE. Connor says "How come you tell ME not to talk to strangers, but you do it all the time?" I'm working on the answer!

Kathryn said...

JP: OMG!! That does NOT really happen! Hysterical! You're giving us gals a bad rap there, buddy....we're not ALL that clueless. Some of us just have a dialogue with our "boxes". Gee...is that the rectangle-thingie?!? DUH.
(God, I WISH my computer booted up that fast!)

Picture Imperfect said...

LMAO Kathryn,

I had the same thought about our puters being from the same litter and then I said to myself "SELF!! Don't go there!!"

See? You're not the only one who talks to yourself. Or your computer for that matter.

Thanks for the reminder to run a virus scan. It turns out I have what's called "The Common Cold." I'll scan the computer after supper.

;o)

~Smoog

Kathryn said...

Smoog! Yeah, we don't want to piss them off...they're kinda holding all the cards. You've just reminded ME....I've gotta run backup. Again.

Am I paranoid much??

Chrissy said...

Very funny! And I believe that you actually HAD this conversation.

I hate those damn viruses. How do people have nothing better to do with their time but figure out how mess up everyone's stuff??

Kathryn said...

Hey Chrissy! Oh, yeah girl....you'd better believe I had this conversation. The kiss really happened too....I was desperate!
Connor asked me the same question: "Why? What do they gain by doing this? They can't SEE our pain!?!" So frustrating!!

dm said...

Hi,
Just started following your blog. This is hilarious! Being a self proclaimed geek, I talk to my computer all the time. :)

Thanks for writing.

D

~:C:~ said...

I SWEAR! It was only that one time that I actually THREW it. Then I bought another Mac, which is so much less irriating than a PC - and the iBook I only DROPPED all those times. Which is not the same as premeditated throwage out a 12th floor window. TOTALLY different scenario. Cuz I'm not to blame if it just FALLS... (accidentally on purpose).

Kathryn said...

dm: Well, thanks for reading! It's my pleaseure...I'm glad you're here!

~:C:~ Ohhhhh. Now I see. THREW=bad, FALLS=accidentally-on-purpose. It just somehow, magically FLUNG itself out of your hands and onto the floor. You must've said something to it that really hit a nerve...did you mention that there are other laptops that are *thinner* than yours? That's probably what happened. :)

~:C:~ said...

Come to think of it, I think I might have casually commented on how my BlackBerry can do nearly as much as a laptop. It was at that point that the iBook stopped eating CD-R's. So sad... *muffles a sob*

Kathryn said...

~:C:~ Ya see? Now you gave iBook an eating disorder!
Now, you'll have to apologize and buy it something nice...like a cashmere-lined carrying case or something!

saku chan said...

yea i haven't got my computer to run classical media player and it worked a couple of days ago hmmmm.... mybe i need to tell it i wont use it anymore but that will make it crazy though but im using a eee pc yup one of the new one's although the keyboard is to small T.T my fat fingers cant fit on the keys lol although there not fat there just big enough where i have to lift my hands to see where im typing lol

Kathryn said...

saku chan: Yikes. That IS a small keyboard! That's like me with the cell....drives me cray-zee.

~:C:~ said...

Well... I ended up buying a Mac Mini, and I kept iBook next to it on the desk. That way, by feeling thinner than a fellow Mac named for its diminutive size, its confidence would get a daily boost.

Kathryn said...

~:C:~ Well, how sweet are you? And so...supportive (when you're not flinging it to the ground, that is)...I'm sure iBook won't ever think to feel that you favor the "little bro" more than it.....
(Oops....did I just put an idea into iBook's head? Shame on me!)

Mandarin Kitten said...

XD My windows 2000 is either mentally retarded or just stubborn because it is so darn slow, it freezes up and cuts off half my sentences in a chat. Also, it won't shut down after I press "shut down" I don't know, maybe it's just a dinosaur... an ancient computer from the past century...

Kathryn said...

Mandarin Kitten: Isn't it frustrating? The worst part is that 'puters these days are ancient 6 months after we buy them! It's impossible to keep up!
Thanks for the comment-

susan F said...

As you know, I have a Mac, and I'm not very happy right now. I keep on getting duplicate emails... sometimes I get them all 3 times or 4 times. I have to keep deleting all the ones on my server, and I have to do that several times a day. What a "pita". Apple will fix this problem, but not for a while apparently.

Loved the last part of your blog, I could picture that!

Kathryn said...

susan F: Thanks, sweetie! I'd wondered how it was going with the Mac....M shud be helping you with it, since HE'S the one who talked you into it! What a pita is right.

Sara's Whimsy said...

I do ALMOST the same thing. Every time I go onto a new site I talk to my laptop soothingly and beg it not to get sick.

I wonder how to get it to talk back to me?

Kathryn said...

Sara's Whimsy: Huh. You'll have to let me know when it starts talking back, sweetie. I have some ppl I can call...or some meds that may help. (JK!) I talk to laptop ALL THE TIME and yes, it's usually begging it to behave. That's how I know it's a BOY.

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