Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Fallacious Fashion

Well, folks….it’s that time once again.Thanks to my two nieces who are my houseguests for the next three days, the progesterone levels have finally topped the testosterone. Temporarily, at least...da gals outnumber da guys!!

So, bring on the fashion!

As always, I have found the crème de la crème…so prepare to be amazed:

Since it’s the month of June, may I suggest that all you wedding guests wear the above to your next nuptial celebration….and that includes you guys. Be daring! Be adventurous! Dare to be prettier than the bride!

On the other hand, if you’re not really all that keen on this particular union…or if it’s being held on the same day as…say, the season premiere of What Not to Wear, you may want to go with this little number. Send the message to the hapless couple that they’re lucky you even showed. Down two quick cocktails and you’re outta there.

Have you ever seen those flowers that are made out of tissue paper? Ever wonder what they do with all the unused large pieces of tissue paper that just happen to be in one of the hottest colors of the season? Just don’t cry, drool, sneeze, drink or go out in the rain in it.

If you go to the party store, you can often find these ash trays in a package of a hundred for $7.99. Then, scour the beach for about 200 discarded pop tops and voila! You’ve got yourself a pretty snazzy swimsuit. If you don’t own an iPod, add some copper wire in your hair and try and pick up satellite radio. Just don’t cry, drool, sneeze, drink or go out in the rain in it.

I’ve entitled this one “Bulk Meaning”. I fear the belt and the sweater are a little too matchy-matchy. And someone needs to tell this guy that I believe the barn door’s open. Oh, and you shouldn’t stunts your growth and then your sweater sleeves will be too long.

Somewhere, Ugly Betty is screaming in vindication. In unison with Punky Brewster.

I’ve entitled this one “Furry Up”. (I crack myself up.) I think I’d spend the entire night fluffing myself for maximum pouf. And I couldn’t eat or drink anything because I’m too busy holding this veil over my head just so…..dammit. (Someone feed me a shrimp.)

I’m calling this one “Paper Cut”. I’m assuming the metal cylinder in her hand is to hold all the Band-Aids she’ll need over the course of the day. Also, a girl’s gotta have a place to discretely carry all her blood-soaked gauze.

Okay….again with the matchy-matchy. (I can hear Nicole’s voice in my head…sayin’ “THAT’S what you see wrong with this outfit?!”) I can only surmise that this ensemble is meant for visits to really exotic locales…where there are many exotic animals, like flying monkeys and bearded chinchillas and one would need blocks surrounding ones head to protect said head from flying monkey & chinchilla poop, which everyone knows is completely random in its trajectory.

Okay, people….best for last. I’m calling this one “Morose Balloon Animals”. It’s funeral bunny…meets morbid Gymboree boxing ball…meets sinister playboy bunny…meets gloomy black power ranger.

All in all…a great day for fashion.

susan F said...

"Furry up" ... LOL! Too funny! I don't know how those models manage to keep a straight face- I would be laughing my head off if I had to present myself like that!

Anonymous said...

I can't stop laughing...oh, and oatmeal and coffee are ALL over my computer screen!

How DO you come up with this time and time again!

Brilliant by design you are darling-brilliant!

kathryn said...

Now, THAT'S what I like to hear! Da laughter....da accolaides....the PRAISE....can't get enough.
Need. More. (!)

Unknown said...

OMG, you are right about "Nicole's voice!" spot on!! By far one of your funniest, I've read yet. I must acquire one of the feathery dresses for wedding invites, especially when they interfere with my WNTW - GREAT idea!! :-)

Honey, you wear a dress like that I will feed you shrimp & drinks of your choice all night long!

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