Say What?

Today I thought I’d jump right in and answer some reader’s questions…as I’m constantly receiving hoards of requests from random strangers for my sage words of wisdom:

A note from “SweetNut”
I just love your posts on cooking. You are so knowledgeable and informative. What’s your secret?

Dear Nut,
Obviously, it’s taken me years to reach this aptitude. With the proper support network and information gleaned from the farthest corners of the globe, you too could someday reach the scope of my expertise…for now, I can only suggest you stick with McNuggets and string cheese. The wisdom will follow…eventually….maybe.

This from “Concerned & Uneven”:
I think my boyfriend is cheating on me with an uneven parallel bar gymnast. I found remnants of chalk dust on his undies. What should I do?

Dear Uneven,
Chalk dust, eh? Maybe he’s stepping out with a teacher…or someone who likes to play a lot of pool…or maybe he partially disrobed after spilling a latte on his trousers and inadvertently lost his balance and landed on the remnants of a hopscotch board. Dump the chump. Find someone who will appreciate how bendy you are!

From “Anonymous”:
I’m wondering why you don’t include Clinton Kelly more often in your blog. He’s handsome, funny, smart, talented and way under-utilized. I think it would be great to hear from him on a regular basis. I’d love regular updates on his Makeover America endeavor. I just loooooove everything about him!

Dear Clinton Anonymous,
Gee…you’re quite the fan, aren’t you? I’ll do what I can…but I can’t talk about him all the time, ya know. It sounds like you’d be right at home over on Clinton’s blog…maybe mine can be your back-up. Did you ever consider starting a fan club? Or maybe starting some therapy…?

Here’s one from “No Respect”:
My daughter doesn’t pay enough attention to me. After all I’ve done for her…slaving and sacrificing and working my fingers to the bone….
What do you think?

Dear No,
Dad?? Is that you?! (I’ll call you later.)

From “NotTipsy”:
I would just love to hang out with you and be your best friend. We could share secrets, tell jokes and braid each other’s hair. The only thing we don’t have in common is that I don’t drink alcohol, but I’m sure this wouldn’t be a problem.

Dear NotTipsy,
I fundamentally believe that you have to spend time getting to know someone before you can call them your friend. However…if you do not consume alcoholic beverages, I cannot think of any other logical means by which I may spend enough time with you to reach this conclusion. And so, unfortunately, I must decline your offer. Remember: birds of a feather flock together.

From “NotEnoughTime”:
I just love reading your blog. But sometimes, I just don’t have enough time in my busy day to get around to it. Any suggestions?

NotEnough,
Well, you could quit your job. Or hire a cleaning lady. Or cut the meals down to once a day. That might free up enough time.

It’s all about priorities, people.

Rock on…