Thursday, March 12, 2009

Prized Possessions Bite Back

Evidently, when you combine Walmart with the state of Massachusetts, you get bizarre-ville:

FALMOUTH, Mass. (AP) - A customer shopping at a Walmart told store workers he found 10 human teeth in a wallet he was about to purchase. Police said the man found the teeth Saturday when he unzipped a compartment in the wallet. One tooth had a filling. The customer turned the wallet and the teeth over to employees but left the store without giving his name.

Police investigating the incident told The Cape Cod Times that the teeth belong to an adult, but since there was no blood or gum tissue on the teeth, they would be unable to perform DNA tests.

A Walmart spokeswoman said the company believes it was an "isolated incident," but will investigate.


I will never be able to consider purchasing a wallet without checking each and every zippered compartment for human teeth. You can never be too careful.

Here is my theory: Some old geezer named Walter purchases the wallet at WalMart. He inserts approximately fourteen dollars in cash, his autographed wallet-sized photo of Liza Minelli, his long-expired Dunkin Donuts gift card for $5 from 2002…and his most prized possession: his lower right side molar with the gold filling…a souvenir from his failed attempt at home electrical wiring whilst downing his eighth Bud Light…which resulted in being thrown 12 feet across the room and jarring loose said molar.

Upon hearing about Walter’s rather unusual choice of wallet contents, many of Walter’s relatives arrive with their own electrical-debacle-souvenirs for him to add to his collection...albeit minus the valuable gold fillings.

Several weeks later, Walter needs some green for more Bud Light and decides to empty the wallet and trade it in for a quick exchange…and he just plum completely ferrgot about those there loose teeth, dammit.

Hey. It could happen.

Happy Friday, all-

Straight Guy said...

Tho thaths were I weft dem...

jh said...

I'm buying your theory.

Kathryn said...

SG: You may pick up your teeth anytime...I've left them at the front desk...under the name "Waltah"
JH: That's why I love you.

susan F said...

I knew someone who kept pulling his own teeth out once. I kept telling him to stop it, but he wouldn't listen. Maybe it was him?

Kathryn said...

Susan: Ew, ouch and gross. Who would do such a thing...on purpose?
And you even TOLD him to stop! That should be enough for anyone....

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