Never Knew I Needed It

This advertisement has been showing up a lot lately:

For anyone not familiar, (what? no insomniacs in da house?) we have evidently surpassed the age of the blanket….have evolved light years ahead of the throw…and are now so advanced that only a “snuggie” will suffice.

In the teevee ad, (which runs approximately 275 times every evening after 11pm) we are made painfully aware just how trivial…and frustrating our lives were prior to the invention of this awe-inspiring article of modern technology:

The scene opens with a woman lounging on her comfy couch. She becomes inexplicably cold…(probably just another one of those poltergeists passing through on the way to the fridge), so she pulls on an ordinary (oh, so yesterday) blanket to warm herself. A moment later, the phone rings! It’s the phone call she’s been waiting for…the phone call that will change her life forever! But wait! Her hands….they’re tangled within the blanket…there’s simply no means of escape! She struggles, but her limbs are inexplicably twisted…as the phone rings and rings…and that call….is….LOST.

(Voice-over: “Has this ever happened to YOU?”)

The next scene shows paramedics covering said woman with said blanket after she takes her own life after missing said phone call…the one that would have told her (had she only been able to reach for the phone!) that indeed…her home HAD been built on an ancient Indian burial ground…just as she’d suspected…and that yes, Century 21 would be happy to discuss putting her house on the market, but that pool would have to go.

The ad then goes on to show how limber and available ones hands are when slipped into the built-in sleeves of the “snuggie”….(cut to scene where woman is no longer deceased and is able to answer the phone…notice the look of extreme gratification on her face as she realizes her concerns were well-warranted…note the smug, self-satisfied look on her face…as the camera captures a plate of apples and cheese levitating across the living room and out the door.)

The next scene shows an entire fam (Mom, Dad, bro & little sis) taking in a local football game wearing their “snuggies”…and looking curiously like rainbow members of the Ku-Klux-Klan, except minus the mask-part, of course. (I’m surprised no-one caught this prior to airing this piece.) The part where they all high-five each other is really over the top, people.

This next came through as an email ad for Vanentine’s Day. It’s from a company called “Northern Tool” and I’ve no idea how I wound up on their mailing list. I think these ad-guys earned their pay trying to come up with a way to combine tools….with sweetheart day:

My thought: “Um. It’s not really considered ‘private’ when anyone can listen in…”

Me again: “You’re kidding, right? Put that thing away.”

“Or, the potty. Proceed.”

“Oh, sure. ‘Cause nothing says lovin’ like a ping-pong table.”

“Oh, this is a s-t-r-e-t-c-h. Very mature.”

“See above. Gee…and only $12.99? It’s JUST what my living room needs! HONEY! Put the Tiffany lamp in the garage!! I’ve got something MUCH CLASSIER!”

“Honey??”