Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Justifiable Misconduct

Another wicked-weather day here in the northeast. As if in testament to my death-defying ride home last night, may I present the bush outside my front door:

Delightful. Like a big, ‘ole, yummy pine-flavored snow cone…but minus the triangular-shaped cardboard holder, the carnival rides or the sweltering heat that made you want it in the first place.

God, I miss summer....

Which brings me (seamlessly, I might add) to an article I’d saved from August 4, 2008.

It’s entitled "What Not To Wear For A Bank Robbery"

Clinton Kelly (Personal IV...and da man with extraordinary timing): “Excuse me?”

Kathryn: (Smiles) “…and how did I know this topic would flush you out, Sir Kelly?”

CK: (Winces) “Please do not use my name and ‘flush’ in the same sentence…we’ve talked about this.”

K: (Chagrined) “Sorry. I’m actually glad you’re here, as I’ve no doubt you’ll have some invaluable input on this topic.”

CK: “Lay it on me.”

K: “Well. It seems that a guy was seen lurking outside The Wells Fargo Bank at 1150 Emmet Street in Omaha at approximately 3:40pm.”

C: “I’m riveted. Continue.”

K: (Eyes suspiciously) “I’m setting the scene, Kelly. You’re a writer. You know the drill. If you rush me, it’ll just wind up coming out sounding inconsequential and preposterous.”

C: (Folds arms…gives deadpan twinkly-blue-eyed stare)

K: “FINE. Police Officer Bill Dropinski (real name, I swear) said someone spotted a man wearing a bright orange, hooded sweatshirt lurking outside the bank. Remember….this is in August.”

C: “Ah. Sweatshirt in August….got it. Bright orange, you say? Are we talking…like, construction-worker-Y-M-C-A orange?”

K: (Sighs in satisfaction) “Have I told you lately how incredibly astute you are?”

C: “You may have mentioned it a few hundred times. Proceed.”

K: “’Kay. Anyway, this witness-person evidently thought the man’s choice of attire was somewhat odd, given the heat and all…and suspected the man was about to rob the bank, so he called 9-1-1. The witness called…not the orange-hoodie-guy. Just to clarify.”

C: (Rolls eyes) “So…based on this man’s odd attire, he was reported to the authorities as a would-be bank robber? Was this witness a well-dressed individual?”

K: “I have no idea and it has no bearing on this story. Now, I’ve lost my mojo. Where was I?”

C: (Thinks) “Well-dressed witness calls 9-1-1. What?! I’m helping...”

K: “Whatever. The story goes on to say that whilst law enforcement was en route, the ‘Hoodie-Man’ (whose name was not immediately known) entered the bank, PULLED OUT A GUN and demanded some green.”

C: “Huh. So the well-dressed witness had a sixth-sense surrounding said sabotage.”

K: “Oh, you are good. Do you want to hear how it ends?”

C: (Smiles) “Sure.”

K: “Bank officials handed over a bag of cash and ‘Hoodie-Guy’ pounded the pavement towards a nearby apartment complex, witnesses said.”

C: “Same witnesses, or different witnesses?”

K: “What? ALL the witnesses. Anyway, thanks to the whole bloody lot of them, law enforcement quickly found him in an apartment. He was arrested on suspicion of robbery and using a firearm to commit a felony. No mention was made in the warrant with regards to his obvious wardrobe violation, however.”

C: “So you could say it was truly a crime of fashion.”

K: (Sighs) “YES, Clinton. There was also no word on how sweaty he was when officers booked him. Let's go. I'm thirsty...”

Anonymous said...

It's Darwinian. I've never seen anything like your frozen tree. Are you sure you're not in VT?

Anonymous said...

Hahaha...that is TOO funny!!

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