I.O.U.

The other day, I received my Verizon Wireless bill. This was a painfully anticipated bill, as it included the charges for two new cells (aka Taylor & Connor), plus the two new lines required to receive the two new cells at the remarkable, unheard-of, never-to-be-offered-again reduced rate of whatever…including the special, once-in-a-lifetime rebate offer of $50.

In order to redeem said rebate, you needed to complete a 2-foot-long by 3-inch-wide strip of paper, supply the UPC code from one of the boxes, say three prayers to Saint Ira (the Patron Saint of WirelessDrunkDialing) and promise your complete, undying love to Verizon forever...or for at least the next two years.

Today, I received my rebate. It was not in the form of a check. It was not mailed from Quebec. It was not in the form of cash. I wanted to throw it in the trash. It caught me completely off-guard. For my rebate was in the form of a credit card.

Da bastards!

This note was included:

How to Use Your Card:

• At checkout
• At restaurants
• At gas stations

It’s simple to receive a cash advance from your Verizon Wireless Rebate card!
1. Bring your information (rebate card and valid identification.)
2. Choose a bank
3. Complete and sign the bank’s request form
4. Get your cash!

It’s easy….it’s effective…and you know as well as we do that you’re never gonna bother! Why a card, instead of a check? Because you didn’t read the fine print, that’s why…and because we CAN. Why don’t you go out and buy yourself something pretty?

Okay, so I may have imagined that last part…but the rest is the truth.

I had a momentary lapse where I pictured myself happily parked at the Estee counter…debating between Resilience Lift or Resilience Overnight creme…then I was seated at The Chart House, delicately sipping lobster bisque…some yet-unimagined tropical drink within arm’s reach…then I was at the local salon for a quick mani/pedi.

With a resolute sigh, I ultimately did what I had to do:

I bought stamps.