Monday, June 30, 2008

ZAP

Anyone (who’s anyone) knows by now that I’m a big fan of summer. Or anything even remotely relating to summer. This would include things such as flippies, crickets, ice pops, fireworks, Coronas, bare feet and lightening bugs…to name a few.

And speaking of lightening: In my latest quest for current world-knowledge, I came across this little tidbit from Minnesota:

Man Struck By Lightening Trying To Save Furniture!
A Minnesota man is learning just how sudden and dangerous summer storms can be. Lightening struck Kent Lilyerd as he tried to save his outdoor furniture in Mora, Minnesota Friday night.

(What they fail to mention, faithful readers…is why Mr. Lilyerd felt it imperative to “save” his outdoor furniture at all. By the manufacturer's labeling said furniture as “outdoor”, one might assume that said pieces could withstand sun, wind and the occasional splatter of rainfall, although one can certainly see how one could inadvertently misunderstand the “outdoor” reference…as “outdoor” and “indoor” do sound remarkably similar….)

Deputy Jesse Barns with the Kanabec County Sherriff’s Dept. was first on the scene. “He had dilated pupils, very labored breathing,” Barnes said. “It wasn’t looking good.” Doctors said it’s amazing he survived, as he’d been knocking on the door as passing in and out of consciousness for more than two hours. His wife never heard him. She was sleeping before her night shift at the hospital where she works as a nurse.

(Remarkable. I’m sure this never happens. So, Kent is laying on the front stoop, smouldering and hissing like a recently burned pile of dog poop some kids set on fire, and there’s the missus….snoring away…totally oblivious. That, or she yelled once or twice “Kent! Let the dog back inside, dammit!”…and fell back asleep. Gosh…I’ll bet she’s feeling pretty silly about now….’specially with her being a nurse and all…and probably specially trained in putting out smoldering spouses inadvertently found on one’s front stoop….isn’t that part of Nursing 101?)

Doctors added that it’s likely his wet clothing saved him. He was wearing a hat with a metal button on the top. They said the lightening entered through his hat and because his clothes were wet, the jolt didn’t travel through his body. The bolt did re-enter at his feet, however…entering through his steel tip boots.

(Wait. So this poor guy was hit not ONCE, but TWICE?!? Has anyone notified the baseball cap manufacturers of this obvious defect in design? Will any of us EVER look at a baseball cap the same? I THINK NOT.):

Yes....this is the actual cap Kent was wearing when the "LIghts Went Out in Mora". (Did ya see that one coming? I had to wait ALL THIS TIME...!)

…And don’t even get me started on the steel-tip boots. (I knew those things would conduct trillions of volts of electricity through some poor guy’s body sooner or later…didn’t I always say that??)

In other news, this from Des Moines, Iowa:

Detectives: Tips Track Down Cigarette Burglar
Des Moines, Iowa- Polk County Sheiff’s Detectives said Monday that they’ve made an arrest in a burglary at a convenience store. The burglary happened at Casey’s General Store located at 6565 NW 6th Drive on June 14 and was caught on the store’s security camera.

Detectives said a man broke out the store’s glass door and stole numerous cartons of cigarettes. After receiving two solid leads in the case from callers to the Crime Stopper’s line, Kurt Angier, 23 of Des Moines, was arrested.

Detectives said Angier confessed to the burglary and theft.

I’m guessing this one was probably all over the news. Can’t you just picture Kurt’s mother, clicking on the evening news after a full day at work at Kitty’s Hair Salon & Liquor Store… (over there on Main and 3rd)… propping up her swollen feet on the ottoman and there, caught on surveillance tape is her unemployed good-for-nothing, chain-smoking, foul-mouthed son, who’s polluting up her basement with his stinkin’ cigarettes and now everyone at the Des Moines Grill and Tattoo Parlor is gonna know what a sad excuse for a son Kurt truly is.

And what was so important that he had to break down a perfectly good glass door to get it? Cash? Jewels? A present for his poor Mama?? Nah….he was just looking for some free Malboro Lights...don’t-ya-know.

You’d think he’d at least have remembered to wear a mask.

Anonymous said...

Well, that thief is not a high achiever, that's for sure!

Kathryn said...

HA! Very well said!

Ellipsis said...

This was hysterical but in a sad kind of way. Poor lightening-guy.
He'll never live that down.

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