Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Ah, Sleep...Perchance to Dream...

Sleep is my very best friend…and my very worst enemy. Every night, I renew my expectations that tonight will be the night that changes everything and tonight I will SLEEP.

You need to realize that I’ve done the research on sleep, as I am the RESEARCH QUEEN. It’s just what I do…both professionally and personally. I can’t NOT research something that is important to me. I CAN, however, research something till it screams for mercy and begs to be put out of its misery…I’ve had my laptop seize up on me on several occasions from the simple fact that it couldn’t figure out any other way to deliver the same information in yet another new and exciting way, so it threw in the google-towel…so to speak.

Here’s what I’ve learned about sleep:

  • Most people don’t get enough of it (That’s why there are 128 hits for insomnia on my computer and 29,400,000 more hits on google, just waiting for my attention.)
  • We all crave more of it (See above.)
  • You’re not supposed to watch teevee when you’re trying to do it (but…Two and a Half Men…?...Leno…?...Letterman…?)
  • It’s evidently more elusive the older you get (Thanks ever so much for the aging- shout-out, Mother Nature. Like I need another reason to love growing older.)
  • After approximately 15 seconds of inactivity, Taylor (age 16) can easily fall into it (This is an actual timed-example. Testosterone overload = the ability to sleep standing up.)
  • Staring at the clock and mentally reorganizing your sock drawer will not bring it on

I even purchased one of those Dormia beds 2 years ago. You know the one I mean? It’s got the space-age technology of being able to remember your handprint long after you’ve removed your hand. What this has to do with sleep, I’ve no idea….but the salesman made such a good case for it that I even sprung for the adjust-a-bed frame-thingie with the remote control that makes your head, your feet (or if you’re so inclined, both) rise and fall. "It’s a Lucille Ball moment just waiting to happen," my friend Sue remarks. It’s also just another remote for the male consumer to add to his collection and another one for me to lose. I can tell you that for what I paid for this bed, I’m dying in it. Literally. Just pick up the whole bed and stick it in the ground…this space-age technology should be good for at least the next century, give or take a few years.

So, every night it’s the same drill. The teevee doesn’t go on until around 11:00 for me, ‘specially now that Eli Stone’s wrapped up the season. I’m washing up from 11-11:30, so I bounce between the local news (they’ve got me for around 8 minutes…if it’s not important enough to bring up in the first 8 minutes, it must not be earth-shattering and I’ll catch it the next day in my car on 1010-WINS…”you give us 22 minutes and we’ll give you the WORLD".…ya gotta love New York) and Seinfeld, who in my humble opinion is still hilarious, even after all these years.


Then it’s Two and a Half Men, which Dad and I agree is always funny, regardless of the time. I will laugh out loud at 11:30pm…and that says a lot, my friend. Then it’s Sex and the City where I’ve got most of the lines memorized by now and I’m instantly disappointed if Big isn’t in that night’s episode. From there, the teevee is turned OFF and SLEEP MUST COME. It’s 12:30am and the alarm is set for 6:30, so sleep must come NOW.

From this point, everything happens in my head. I compose several e-mails, finish my article that’s due on Friday and have numerous pretend-conversations with friends I’ve been meaning to call. When it gets really late, I begin to ponder the bigger-picture, life-mystery-questions…like:

  • I wonder what Clinton Kelly’s middle name is? I mean…when his mom would call him to come inside for the fourth time and she’s totally over it, she’d use his full name, right? (Probably including the name he got at Communion when he was 7…he must’ve been so sweet at 7, all blond-haired and blue-eyed)…so what could it be?
  • And why is it that even though I looked up the words to “Pulling Mussels From a Shell”, the song still doesn’t make any sense to me??

If I’m lucky, sleep eventually finds me…sometime between 2 and 3am. Then I begin the cycle all over again when “Pulling Mussels From A Shell” blasts from my alarm clock at the preset 6:30am.

But maybe tonight will be different.

Good Night Stars-
Good Night Air-
G’nite Clinton Kelly…who’s everywhere….

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