Sunday, January 29, 2012

Star Light, Star Bright


Star light…
Star bright…
First star I see tonight…
I wish I may…
I wish I might…
Survive this rough patch and find some time in my life to write.


This was the view out my kitchen window at dusk. For those of you professionals (Kimberly, Lynn, Smoog), you can probably tell that I am uber-adept at holding the camera still. I took five shots…and they all basically look the same. If you need some audio to accompany it, just imagine: Click. “Crap.” Click. “Dammit!” Click. “Seriously??” That white thing that looks like a connect-the-dot doodle is actually the first star to peek through the clear winter sky.

So, now we’ve determined that I’m a photographer-extraordinaire and that I can rhyme. But you already knew this.

For the record, I’ve done very little writing anywhere. The last article I wrote at work for the monthly Toyota newsletter was entitled “Anew” and it was all about the stinkbugs that have found a winter home somewhere in our building. Yes, I wrote an entire article about stinkbugs. The worst part was that Toyota compliance initially kicked it back with a “WTF? This isn’t about cars” knee-jerk response. Evidently, they have software that scans the articles for anything questionable and some computer red-flagged the word “stink”…like, 23 times. Go figure. Fortunately for me, when an actual person read it they thought it was pretty funny and I received the green light.

So, I work. I come home and I work some more. Then I go to sleep and do it all again. The closest thing I’ve had to socialization in ages is playing Words with Friends with a few coworkers and a guy I met at a conference in Albany. He’s kicking my butt…and that’s not an easy thing to do, given my love of words and all. (Anyone who’s interested in a game can find me as user Kathrynville. Feel free to bring it.)

The situation with my son is…awful. If I haven’t said it enough, autism sucks. Autism has come to define my entire world, as well as my son’s…it’s pervasive and all-consuming. I feel very alone with it…even though my family tries their very best to offer emotional support. I keep telling myself that one more email…one more phone call…one more plea for help and maybe we’ll get him in a better place.

I’m not giving up…I’m just…weary.

I miss you all and I hope that everyone is well.

Always,


A Daft Scots Lass said...

I know exactly how you feel

Gigi said...

I know what you mean about holding the camera still - I can't do that either.

I'd play Words with you - but the Blackberry doesn't support that app (of course).

I'm sorry he hasn't transitioned to the other place yet - keep pushing, you will get him there.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Hugs.

sage said...

Just tell folks the photo was shot during a rare NY earthquake...

Stinkbugs and cars, wouldn't that be a VW that hit a skunk? But then, you work for Toyota

I am sorry to hear about you son. We all have challenges with kids, but I can't imagine what you must be going through.

Lauren said...

You should see the graduation pictures my parents took. I'm quite literally across the stage. My new superhero name will be Uberblur!

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't looking up yet. It's probably the last thing on your mind, but don't forget to laugh. You know... when appropriate... Otherwise people get the wrong idea. But then you could laugh about that.

Take care!

Straight Guy said...

I hope things start to turn a corner soon. Focus on your list top down and let many, many, of little things at the bottom go.

Adele said...

There's this quote that I've seen somewhere on the internet that says "Everything's gonna be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end." So, don't lose faith. It's gonna be alright :) God bless you!

Jerry said...

Bless you for working so hard to do the right thing. You and your son will be rewarded. I know it.

I am see happy to see you back here.

Now go, take care of your stuff, and send us a wave now and then.

We care.

Kelly@MentalGarbage said...

We miss you too! I hope things start leveling out for you and yours soon! :-)

And I cannot hold my camera still either!!

Carol said...

I miss you too! But somethings are more important than entertaining me ( I know, the therapy seems to be working) Autism sucks but what sucks more is feeling so helpless. I'm thinking about you and hoping you are able to get him what he needs. Much love my friend.

wendy said...

We're always glad to 'hear' from you, Kathryn. And I bet you kick arse on Words With Friends :)
I wish I had something better to say about your son. But all I can think is that I hope he's alright. I hope he or you never gets more than either of you can handle. It's good that your family helps. Take care, Kathryn. We'll always welcome you back with open arms :)

Cathy Olliffe-Webster said...

So glad to see a post from you, even though it's a sad one - and I'm talking about your photography skills not your son (LOL.... I'm KIDDING.. trying to cheer your ass up!)

Kathryn, Kathryn, Kathryn, we (the Royal We and all the wes, not Wes, whoever he is) miss you, too. Feel free to bitch and complain and moan and spill your guts because we will listen. I don't know about Wes, though. Damned guy.

Angelina said...

Still your picture is better than I can paint. And you can always go back to it and remember how you felt when you were compelled to take that picture.

Sorry to hear about your son, I'm certain he can feel the love you have for him. Have you read, “The Brain that Changes itself” by Norman Doidge. M.D. ? It is an interesting read.

Alicia said...

You poor baby :-(
I wish I could bring you to sunny California for a long visit, but it's rainy season right now anyway :-(

You just keep checking in with us now and then and do what a mama has to do and we'll send positive thoughts and love to you, and I'm sure more than a handful of prayers too!

Collette said...

I have an anti-shake setting on my phone camera, but still get blurred pics ;)
Keep the faith! Things will work out! (((HUGS)))

Gay Guy said...

I don't know the depth of what you are going through, but you have my care and concern. Try to find some way to protect ten minutes or so a day for yourself and your creativity. And/or getting your nails done.

Works for me.

Wendy Ramer said...

I love Words with Friends. If you're up for a challenge (hah! now you can't back down) my username is wmramer.

Jerry said...

Come back. Maybe just to say, "Hi". Miss you.

kathryn said...

A Daft Scots Lass: Well, I'm glad you know how I feel...but I'm also sorry for that. Saying that I wish life were a bit easier sounds juvenile... and I'll admit that I often find myself thinking, "Be careful what you wish for." Managing single motherhood with work and adding autism into the mix is...daunting. But then, everybody has something, right? Thank you for listening to me rant. It helps to know that there's someone out there who understands.

Gigi: I'm trying! Heaven knows, I keep trying. My son deserves so much more! That's the thing that keeps me from giving up. That- and the whole mom-empathy thing. I've no doubt that my imagination is probably worse than reality some of the time. Most of the time, I'm hoping. xoxo

sage: Thanks for the kind thoughts. It absolutely sucks...but it's my reality. I'm conflicted about how much to share here...both for privacy reasons...but also because sometimes, one needs a serious mental vacation from the hardships. Maybe that makes me a bad mom...but I'm thinking it makes me human.

kathryn said...

Lauren: Heh heh! Yeah, I think it's important to laugh when the mood strikes...and I'm definitely chuckling at the idea of Lauren the Uberblur! Of course, I always knew you harnessed those superpowers. Now the whole world knows!

Straight Guy: Great advice, my friend. And I do let a lot of the little things go. You should see my dining room table!

Adele: What a lovely quote! I love it and will definitely hold it close to me. I like it so much better than that one about not being given more than you can handle. My response to that has words I can't print here! Thanks for the blessing, sweetie!

kathryn said...

Jerry: I know you care, my friend. I just saw your last comment of today come through and it brought me to tears. Your kind words remind me how lucky I am to have such awesome people here and I feel a renewed sense of purpose to want to get back here! I am driving my son back to his group home now and am picking up where I left off, dammit! See you in 90 minutes!

kathryn said...

Kelly@MentalGarbage: Thank you, sweetie. For the kind words...and admitting your kinship with me for shaky photography. I truly believe we cannot possibly be good at everything!

Carol: Wow. You are such a wise woman...but you already knew that. Yes, it's agonizing sometimes to feel so isolated...whether it's self-imposed or due to circumstances beyond our control. I refuse to surrender everything I love to this disability, though. It may take a lot of my time...and more than a little of my sanity...

wendy: Oh, you're the best! And you always know just the right thing to say. I appreciate it so much. Being an advocate for my son is often exhausting...but it's just another hat we wear...or juggle, or sometimes drop!

kathryn said...

Cathy Olliffe-Webster: Ha! Between you and I, I never cared much for Wes. He's definitely not a team player...and what a narcissist! I'm honored to know that the Royal We miss me as well. And you know as well as I do that we never bitch and complain and moan and spill. We share. And convey our feelings in an appropriate way. (Okay, even I'm not buying this...)

Angelina: No, I haven't heard of that book...but I've written it down and will download it onto my Kindle reader. Thanks for the recommendation. You never know what'll help, right??

Alicia: Thanks so much, sweetie. I can absolutely feel the looooove. Someday, I am gonna visit you in that magical place called California...I'm gunning for Toyota to send me there on business. A girl can dream...

kathryn said...

Collette: Oh the blurred pics! I don't know about you but I'm notorious for not deleting them as well, which makes no sense at all. Probably half of the photos in my computer are one hot, blurry mess. Ironic, I guess. Thanks for the ((hugs))...right back at'cha!

Gay Guy: Oh, you nut! My biggest downfall is plopping down in front of the teevee. I can practically feel the last remnants of that day's energy pooling onto the floor and my brain turns to mush. I now know that if I remain still for more than about 10 minutes, I'm done for the night. It's scary...

Wendy Ramer: Ha! I've just set up a game for us. You may think twice when you see what my first word is. (Hint: it rhymes with "hitch") Sorry...I gotta work with the tiles I'm given!

Crack You Whip said...

I have lucked out on great pictures, don't know why, but of course they are usually in pure light.

I had a fosterchild recently with autism and she completely wore me out so I hope the best for you in that situation. It is a lot of work and I hope he can get whatever help he needs...and you!

myheartlongsthesea said...

The picture was dreamy and for me it is good minus the technicalities. And i am not a photographer to have my said on that. :)


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Jerry said...

Come here. We want to give you a hug.

Lynn said...

Whoa! I was mentioned in a post! I'm...so humbled. *sniff* And I think the photo is fine. The trick is not to say it's a mistake, but that you deliberately shifted the camera for maximum artistic effect. And there you go! Or tell us that its a shooting star or something. :) Either way works. And that time of evening is beautiful, when the stars just start showing their faces.

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