Sunday, July 18, 2010

Timing & Self Control

There are certain things about timing and self control that I have learned over the years. Not that I'm that old, mind you...we're taking short, youthful years here. Really, they're more like months...now that I think about it. Consider me a prodigy, if you will...capable of gleaning vast amounts of knowledge in an exceptionally short and (did I mention youthful?) period of time.

1) Never, ever go food shopping when you're starving. Consider hunger and supermarkets to be equivalent to asking a recovering alcoholic to wait for you in front of the liquor store on a Saturday afternoon in the middle of a wine tasting. You should know you're asking for trouble. You'll find yourself taking on the persona of a personal shopper for every cooking show on The Food Network and will mentally formulate sophisticated meals in your head and feel compelled to load up the cart with every possible ingredient necessary to create said meals. You'll also clear out entire sections of cheeses and fruits for elaborately arranged platters and imagine hoards of guests gushing compliments and accolades, while you 'aw,pish' them whilst secretly thinking, "YES. I ROCK. I AM OFF THE CHARTS, PHENOMENALLY THE QUEEN OF IMPROMPTU. I ACCEPT THIS AWARD AND WILL WEAR THE ACCOMPANYING CROWN WITH DIGNITY, RESPECT AND PRIDE." Meanwhile, the reality is that two days after shopping, you'll be online...trying to identify two-thirds of what you've purchased and wondering if you can either a) freeze it till you figure out how to use it, or b) can pass it off to someone else, gracefully scamming them into believing you saw it and immediately thought of them..and 'didn't they mention once that they'd wished they could find some of this...here.....stuff?'


2) Never, ever try on clothing when you're bloated or after a large meal. No good can come of it. Sweet, flirty little summer dresses make you look like you're in your fourth month of pregnancy and none of the slacks/skirts will button, resulting in the requirement to go up a size...which will then require the search and consumption of that Snickers bar you keep in the bottom of your bag for just such an emergency.


3) It is not wise to wear your iPod (with no outward sign that you're wearing one) when walking the dog.

There's always that slight risk that your neighbors may call your name and not only be insulted that you're blatantly ignoring them but that you're further adding insult to injury by doing a little jig as if to say, "Not only am I pretending I can't hear you, I'm doing this little dance to further add to your humiliation, basically letting you know that I don't give a crap that you're trying to talk to me." This will lead to confusion on your part when you next see said neighbor and find them giving you the evil eye, turning their back to you completely or worse: confronting you about your lack of social decorum. I say 'worse', because somehow, in your enthusiasm to convince them that you honestly could not hear them, you'll get the distinct sense that they don't believe you...not one bit. This may have something to do with the fact that they are 20 years older and evidently do not own this socially-isolating thing called an iPod and they wouldn't be caught dead dancing any kind of jig whilst walking the dog.

My recommendation for avoiding the above unfortunate moments?

1) Stuff yourself with whatever you can find in the house before you hit the market. Even if you have to resort to that package of Pop-Tarts that's been in the back of the pantry since '04 and that questionable-looking substance in the Tupperware that tastes suspiciously like a homemade version of tartar sauce. Just eat it...all of it. But, whatever you do, do not touch the Snickers in the bottom of your bag.

2) Only try on clothing right after you've recovered from the flu. Apr├Ęs food poisoning or a lower-GI series are also acceptable.

3) There's two ways you can go with this one. Either buy headphones in neon colors and always wear your hear pulled back, so your (hopefully not nearsighted) neighbors can see you're presently incommunicado, or (my personal favorite) SING AS LOUD AS YOU CAN to the song you're grooving to...and to hell with all of 'em.

Hey, you only live once.

Kristy said...

Sage advice. Very good. I whole heartedly agree with all of it, of course. Especially #2. Even if I get an exciting package of new clothes in the mail that I have ordered, I always wait to try it on until morning before I've eaten anything and after I have expelled everything. Ah, sorry, TMI.

Christiejolu said...

I love the Scooby-Doo looking dog wearing the iPod...I add going to the grocery store with a headache...I learned this one last week...I bought all kinds of comfort food...(Junk)

Gigi said...

It goes without saying that you are young & vibrant! And for that matter, so am I! We just happen to be wise beyond our years....that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

And yeah, definitely never eat before trying on clothes....that never turns out well. Never.

Draea Lael (Rose) said...

My hubby makes a point of making me eat something before I go to the store as I am a chronic impulse "I am sooo hungry/thirsty/dying from blood sugar dropping" shopper. It never ends well. Almost as bad as shopping with all the kids in tow...

Carol said...

Don't try on clothes while wearing said ipod, otherwise when you come out from singing and dancing in the dressing room, everyone looks at you funny. Just saying.....

Lauren said...

I sing already and I don't talk to my neighbours. I have scared countless people by laughing hysterically to Holla Back Girl. Good times. Woot! For once I feel prepared!

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Whew. Advice to live by. I will take your words and file them away for future training, master.

Vince said...

Yes is it not remarkable that while shopping you start dreaming up 5* meals when you are hungry. All the same it can lead to new and innovative additions to the personal menu. Thai curry Irish-style, normal curry that Anna would spot as Thai but missing a few spices.
A word of warning about this one though. DO NOT GO SHOPPING FOR AT LEAST A WEEK AFTER CONSUMPTION. A can of Coconut milk has the same effect as one of your Yankee humongous pizza's.

sage said...

Good advice, Ms. Prodigy!

ValleyWriter said...

Excellent life lessons! Similar to your #2, I would say - no shopping [or stepping anywhere NEAR the scale] for at least 4 days after eating Chinese food (Americanized Chinese food, anyway). That stuff makes me bloat so much I could save large ships from sinking!

Tinkerschnitzel said...

I can't count how many times I've gone grocery shopping, and there not be anything in the house to cook for dinner because I went hungry and all I bought was snacks. Sage advice from the ever so young Kathryn. :D

Chrissy said...

This is brilliant! SO true.

Spot said...

You carry an emergency Snickers bar too?! Great minds think alike I tell ya!!

Truly giggle worthy post!
♥Spot

Straight Guy said...

Wait. If you buy clothes when you're bloated, won't it seem like you've lost weight since you've bought them? Isn't that good?

There is no such thing as a hidden Snickers bar. You know that I know that you know that I know exactly where it is...

Heather said...

Love the tips! I find that I DO buy stuff for long cooking dishes and then all week all I want to do is find fast items for dinner, instead of heating the house up. LOL! So wasteful!

kathryn said...

Kristy:Ah, not TMI. More like "par for the course". Could you imagine the amount of clothing that would be returned simply because one could not wait the prerequisite un-bloating period? Da shame of it all!

Christiejolu: Oh, wow...I hadn't thought of comfort food when you're not feeling well. Yeah, the food store is a dangerous place to be under many circumstances, huh?

Gigi: Yeah...it's finding that balance between having not eaten a big meal but not being so hungry, you're light-headed. A fine line...definitely!

kathryn said...

Draea Lael (Rose): I totally get that. However...the opposite has to hold true if you're going shopping for clothes! Sometimes, a power bar has to be all you get! And definitely NO KIDS in tow!

Carol: I never understood ppl who wore iPods while shopping. I mean, I guess they really want to be left alone! Yeah...and all that dancing in the dressing room is dangerous, too!

Lauren: Ha! Yeah, you're all set, honey. I'm sorry, but standing there waiting for Metro to poop is one of the most boring things on the face of the earth. There's no people to watch, if I read I might miss the actual poop and then I can't retrieve it. TMI?

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: You've listened well, grasshopper. When your day has come, you will be well prepared and avoid countless moments of complete and utter embarrassment and disappointment. I am grateful for this!

Vince: Ha! Well, I've yet to glean any "new and innovative additions" to our personal menu. And "Thai curry Irish-style"? is like another language to me. You could have just as easily said, "Mailbox feather Amish-mirror". I think I need an interpretor.

sage: Thank you, kind sir. I hope you're back home...safe, sound and with the echo of loons still in your head, 'cause you asked for it.

kathryn said...

ValleyWriter: I know, right? I become unbearably thirsty about 30 mins after eating Chinese...and it goes on for hours. I really pay for it, which is why I don't eat it often at all. It's the closest I get to understanding what it must be like to be dying of thirst.

Tinkerschnitzel: Ha! Yeah, that's me...wise waaaaay beyond my years! I'm laughing too...'cause that happens to me a lot! Nothing for dinner, but plenty for desserts and quick, easy lunches & breakfasts!

Chrissy: Thanks, sweetie. Just trying to cover all the basics of survival. Wisdom is meant to be shared, right??

kathryn said...

Spot: Thank you, sweetie! OF COURSE, I'm not surprised that you also prepare for those Snicker emergencies...although, you must be buying yours at the bulk store with all you've been through lately! Hope things are settling down now. xo

Straight Guy: Okay. It doesn't work that way. (I'm talking about the buying clothes part here.) We want the clothes to FIT when we buy them...not have to have them tailored after the fact, or have droopy crotch or any of the other maladies that can occur otherwise.
But, you're a GUY...how would you possibly have known this? As for the Snickers, I thought hiding it under the emergency tampon was SAFE...is there NO PLACE that's sacred anymore??

Heather: Why is that? Why can't we realize that we're gonna look for fast, easy and filling when we're looking for food at home? It's all a big conspiracy, I tell ya!!

Lynn said...

HA! Where have I been that I've missed these posts? Fine advice, which should be etched in stone somewhere, I'm sure.

snoble24 said...

yeah good ideas

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