Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Connect the Dots

This post contains two parts…at least, in my head...and at this particular moment. Where it’ll end, nobody knows. So, arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times people…you know the drill by now.

You know when you ask a guy what he’s thinking about and he’ll reply, “Nothing”?

By the way, I asked my friend Jerry Seinfeld what guys are really thinking about when we ask that question and you know what he said?

So, to all you guys out there: don’t shoot the messenger. Jerry says you may direct any hostility you’re feeling at this moment to his email at jerry.seinfeld@biteme.net.

Anyway. The thoughts here at Kathrynville? Never. Ever. Stop. It’s why I have insomnia so much of the time…and why I seriously need to be studied. And it’s not just that the thoughts keep coming fast and furious…it’s that they tend to zig-zag in ways that, while they can make perfect sense at the time…later on?? Not so much.

The other day, I was in the supermarket with my good friend Wanda Sykes. I’d remembered something important I needed to pick up whilst driving and tried to ask Wanda to write it down for me on “THE LIST”…but she had her iPod on...and her eyes closed...and was swaying so hard to the beat of her tunes, I needed to keep both hands on the steering wheel just to keep the car from careening off the road and into a ditch, where we’d be unseen by passers-by for days and we’d undoubtedly land in a poison ivy patch where my hands and feet would become immediately entangled and I’d die a slow and painful death while trying to live on the tic-tacs and mint-flavored toothpick I found in the bottom of my purse...and Wanda wouldn’t even notice any of this until her iPod battery died. Then she’d open her eyes and press the OnStar button (which she knows has been one of my life’s unfulfilled dreams…to push that damned button) and ask for help and also some ointment from CVS for a suspicious-looking rash.

Where was I? Oh, yeah….I’d died a slow and painful death…but with minty-fresh breath.

Actually, I found a pad of post-its in my car console…and ripping off a blank one, I managed to stuff it in my pocket without losing control of the car. See, I had a plan!

We had 6 things to pick up…only 6, according to the list…and Wanda took off like a cannon to accomplish our goal. But first, she put on her baseball hat, sunglasses and her ‘don’t-talk-to-me-or-I’ll-smack-you’ face…which works terribly well, ‘cause even I tend to back away. In about 5 minutes, she returned and gruffly announced that we were ready to check out.

I didn’t respond immediately…for I was deep in concentration…staring at the blank post-it in my hand. Wanda figured I didn’t realize the disguised individual was indeed she, so she removed her garb and looked down at the paper in my outstretched hand with a puzzled look on her face.

“This means something. We can’t leave till I remember…,” I said. Then I got a far-off look in my eye as I desperately tried to remember the meaning of my own cryptic message. Now, Wanda’s face looked like this:

I figured I had a good 60 seconds before she was gonna ask the store manager to call somebody to escort me out of there and into that pretty white truck with those nice young men in their clean white coats, so I thought really, really hard.

Yellow post it.

….torn in the middle….

…sort of reminded me of a pair of shorts….(albeit really ugly shorts, but nonetheless….)

….and I’m thinking out loud here, “Huh. Yellow shorts that are square…like a Post-it. Huh….”

…And that’s when Wanda gives me a look like THIS:

…and says, “Kathryn, WTF? Have you lost your mind? You’ve got 60 seconds to figure this out or I’m making that call. I’ve got ‘em here in speed dial….NUMBER THREE and she’s pulling out her cell in preparation to make the call.

Then, it hits me:

“We need sponges,” I say casually.

I’ll say it again: I don’t understand why people never want to go shopping with me….

Kelly@MentalGarbage said...

Awesome. That is the best little reminder for sponges EVER :-)

JP said...

I don't understand how women shop in general. I can stand it for about 10 minutes then I start to go nuts. First she goes to rack A of clothes. Looks through the whole thing... then on to Rack B... goes through it all... wait let's go back to Rack A... nope... on to Rack C... and then back to Rack B... didn't we already look at this one? of course we have to go back to Rack A... and the to C... and then back to B... then A... Good god someone shoot me now.

Draea Lael (Rose) said...

AHAHAHHAHAA! That's how my brain works! I totally got it at the 2nd post it, lol.

wendy said...

HAHA! At least you remembered what you went shopping for. It would've taken me til I got back home and needed to clean something before I would've figured a list like yours out. However, it would have been too funny if you had bought your sponges only to get home and realize it wasn't sponges you needed. And then you would've had to ask: What would McGyver do?? lmao XD

wendy said...

Oh, wait! Maxi-Pads, baking soda and vinegar to the rescue! Couldn't help myself ;)

Oddyoddyo13 said...

On the contrary, I'd LOVE to go shopping with you! Can you imagine the craziness of just picking up milk??

Loved the part about swerving off the road...laughed so hard my Mom just gave me a look. You know the one..

Wait, what was with Jerry Seinfeld?

j.m. neeb said...

This reminds me of that one time I went shopping with Wanda Sykes and needed sponges...

Straight Guy said...

Seeing Spongebob just reminded me... I need post-its! Can you pick that up for me?

Gigi said...

Oh Kath! You kill me! At least you were able to figure out your reminder. Me? It would be a mystery to me until about 4 days later when I would be in a conversation with someone and all of a sudden I'd shout "SPONGES" and they'd back away slowly.

And yeah, I think I'd have a great time shopping with you!

iv said...

...was indeed "she", bella.

kathryn said...

KellyGrrl: Ha! Yeah, it worked out pretty well...in the end. Got a little scary there in the middle, though...

JP: Honey, you're supposed to be off looking at the 30 matching teevees in the electronics section whilst this is happening. THAT'S where you're going wrong.

Draea Lael (Rose): Good girl! See? Not so hard for us gals to make the mental leap...just takes some serious concentration!

kathryn said...

Wendy Blum: HA! And don't think for a SECOND that those items wouldn't have been my SECOND choice if I'd bought the wrong thing! See? We should all think more like Lady MacGyver!

Oddyoddyo13: Oh, yes! There are many, many choices in milk these days...and so very many things to consider before making our selection. We may have to make a day of it. The Jerry Seinfeld reference was to offer up the marked differences in the way us gals think versus the simplistic way that guys do. (Remember...no shooting the messener.)

j.m. neeb: Is this some form of guy-revenge? Very funny, Spongebob. You should have your own show....

kathryn said...

Straight Guy: HA! Now, THAT I can do. But...however shall I remember THAT? It's like putting on the shopping list that you need more...shopping lists. It's not possible! Why do I suddenly have deja-vu to that scene in War Games with Matthew Broderick when he shorts out the computer??

Gigi: LOL! I have NO DOUBT that's just when the SPONGE recollection would hit you, sweetie! Just like when you thought of a career opportunity for me whilst standing on line at the amusement park. You're just that kinda friend. Ya gotta love that!

iv: Dammit. Yes, sweet man....I fixed it. Once an editor, always an editor??

Gay Guy said...

If I could have been the guy who invented Post-its!!! I'd be happy. Rich, useful, loved. Nobel Peace Prize winning.

kathryn said...

Gay Guy: And could you imagine if *I'd* invented Velcro?? And then we'd be at the same Save the Pink Flamingo fundraiser and our eyes would meet...and we'd notice our martini glasses were empty so we'd hit the bar at the same moment...

And during that one martini (with 3 olives, please.) we'd end world hunger, write checks to cure every single disease known to man and wonder how we could have our Montauk beach houses picked up and moved next to each other. Then we'd laugh and laugh. We'd spend the remainder of the evening checking out the guys and rating them on our secret scale of hunkability. (With a "k"...not a "p". Geez....)

j.m. neeb said...

No guy-revenge! Just having fun... :)

Carol said...

I remember taking a memory course and you were supposed to coordinate it to you morning routine, you know, bread coming out of the toilet, jelly out of the toothpaste tube, the coffee maker was a huge orange, can't imagine why it never worked.

Alicia said...

I love Sponge Bob. I never would have remembered with just a torn post-it girl. You're brilliant. I love Wanda too by the way.

Lauren said...

Okay, there is not enough space in this teeny little box to tell you how hard I'm laughing right now. Although, that sentence is quite long. No matter what Wanda or the people in the white coats may say, I love the way your mind works. You actually just gave me an idea... I'd better write it down. Off to find my post-its!

Vince said...

You will have noted that we men do not ever ask questions like 'what are you thinking'. Mostly it has to be said because you tell us anyway, forgetting of course you have the right to remain silent. We might ask are ya sick if we find you on the bathroom floor, and we will hold back any gals hair if we find her puking her guts up outside some pub. We may even tell her to stay put as there is more to come up. And even though we know that the toilet seat thing is a power play we do not really care. But just because you are plotting and planning when you stand looking at the Sunset we the more poetic are contemplating the mortality of man.

Runnergirl said...

Just what I needed after a 12 hour day yesterday and being stressed out within 5 minutes of sitting back down at my desk this morning!

Brilliant - your mind may work in mysterious ways, but it makes sense to me!

Climb2Nowhere said...

Very funny! You mentioned two comics I love and I didn't know where it was going. Great writing!

Full-On-Forward said...

Man--It's scary--but I saw Spongebob in the post it note!

Be afwaid, be vewy vewy afwaid!

Great Stuff K!!!!!!



Spot said...

Wow. Great minds think alike. Or kind of alike. Or somewhere along a parallel or well you know what I mean. I hate it when I forget and have to stand there and concentrate very hard to remember because invariably someone bugs me. Or in the case of your Wanda Sykes, scares the bejeezus out of me.

I giggle-snorted over this one.

kathryn said...

j.m. neeb: Well, I've got news for you, then. Shopping with Wanda is NOT FUN. Did she give you the whole lecture about how sponges don't have to be yellow? That was a doozy. She's such a control-freak!

Carol: WHA??? If your memory allows you to remember the name of that course, let me know and we'll SUE. That is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard! (MY way's much better, don't you think?)

Alicia: Isn't Wanda the best? I caught one of her stand-ups on HBO not too long ago and laughed my butt off. I just LOVE her attitude!

kathryn said...

Lauren: Ha! And I LOVE the thought that I'm making you laugh! The real killer is that I never DID talk about what the post was supposed to be about. I love moments like that...my fingers are flying over the keyboard and I just roll with it. When I hit 500 count? I'm done! Find those post-its!

Vince: Oh, bullshit. "Contemplating the mortality of man?" Seriously? At that moment, you're wondering how much longer you'll have to stand there before you can go inside and catch the end of the game. And for the record? We're only asking what you're thinking to be polite. We really don't give a crap...we're wondering how long it's been since the dog last went out and if there's any gelato stashed in the back of the freezer.

Runnergirl: Thank you, my dear. I'm glad I was able to put an end to your stressed-streak. Now, it is released and you will live among the butterflies and rainbows of bliss....and that's an order.

kathryn said...

Climb2Nowhere: Thank you! Oh, I know lots of people. Not all comics...but (of course) they make for the best conversation. It's always a surprise to see whose voice will pop into my head at any given moment....then I build from that.

John McElveen: Okay...you're freaking me out, man! You saw Spongebob in the FIRST post-it?? You didn't happen to see Rodney Dangerfield in your fried eggs this morning too, did you??

Spot: Ha! Yeah, the scaring the bejeezus part is usually the catalyst to making me remember, though. It's certainly incentive, to say the least! I'm glad you enjoyed it, sweetie!

Full-On-Forward said...

LOL_- I see a lot of stuff lately-- Medication side effect?? LOL


Full-On-Forward said...

Oh--btw-- I soooooo STOLE Your Spongebob--but I gave you credit--it inspired me to do a whole post!


BlackLOG said...

OK, very good, so you got as far as sponges but that is only part of the story, what type did you need? :-

1) The edible type sponges
2) The clean your naughty bit type sponges
Or and I'm not sure they sell these over where you are
3) The can I borrow a £10 and never pay you back again type sponges

I guess you could always cover the basis and purchase all three but….

Jen said...

At least it would be totally entertaining to go shopping with you. I have a feeling it's always an adventure. You've got so many people running around in your head.

Lynn said...

ROFL! I so didn't see the punchline. Thanks for the laugh!

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