Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Bad Guy, Chickie and the Hole

Lately, insomnia thinks it’s my bff. (That’s best friends forever, for anyone unaware.) This has resulted in many hours of late-night channel surfing, the latest of which had me entangled in the web of back-to-back murder mysteries. Even in my sleep-deprived state, the ironies are not lost on me. The fact that I’m replacing dialogue for the people on the teevee at 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning tells you that this content is ripe with possibilities for me to make fun.

Here’s a typical scenario:

Girl meets guy.
They fall in love.
They get married.
They fall out of love.
They separate.
Girl moves into her own pad.
Girl starts dating another guy.
Girl goes missing.

(Insert ominous music here.)

So, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking what I was thinking. You’re thinking the soon-to-be-ex did away with her and then stole her Victoria’s Secret lingerie and cherry-red four-inch-heel stilettos so he could travel the country in the hit burlesque show, “Sur-prise! Nude Guys! We Bump & Grind Before Your Eyes!” (I know that’s what I was thinking.)

You’d be wrong. Hubby had an airtight alibi…and he was a nice guy. How do I know? I just do…it’s a gift. Besides, the investigating people told me….but I already knew, ‘cause of my special gift and all.

It seems the guy that chickie was dating was a bad, bad man who fancied a particularly deep hole in the ground that was hidden off a road in the forest. Fortunately for law enforcement, this guy was not the brightest bulb in the chandelier…not the sharpest crayon in the box…the light is on, but nobody’s home: He told his best friend, his father, the guy at Starbucks and the guy who reads his electric meter about his fascination for the really big hole in the forest….even took his dad there and showed him the really big, completely random hole. When law enforcement contacted the dad, they inquired that if his son were to dispose ofsayI dunno….a body, where would he put it? The dad drew them a map and guess what they found in the bottom of the hole?

Uh-huh.

Then bad man goes on spending spree, gets caught on tape at ATM…yada, yada.

There’s always this moment when you freakin’ KNOW the guy did it…the person interviewing him knows he did it….hell, even the people who just tuned in know he did it…and the reporter says to the guy, “Did you shoot chickie girl and throw her into that really deep hole in the woods?” And instead of the usual indignant “no, no, no”, I’m waiting for the time the guy says, “Wow, Tom. Ya know, no-one ever asked me that question in quite that way before! I cannot tell a lie on national television in front of my whole entire community and my Aunt Thelma up in Myrtle Beach and my third grade teacher, Mrs. Agnes Twitterdiddle from Snickerville Elementary School. I confess….the hole told me to do it.”

…And then he’d cop an insanity plea and be released in 5-7 years after having his guilty verdict overturned due to the fact that he swears what he actually said was, “The hotel maid did it.” The reporter, the camera man, the director and the sound guy were all unavailable for comment.

Momma Fargo said...

LOL!

Gavin said...

Wow. I'll never watch a show like that again without thinking of this post. XD Thank god my insomnia doesn't include watching tv. I love your run down of it though. It's much more interesting.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Oh yeah, he's definitely insane. I love those shows, however predictable and somewhat stupid. :)

Tina said...

That last question as the detective goes out the door is the killer. Everyone has to answer that one truthfully.

Lynn said...

OK. I've been known to stay up way late keeping company with Angela Lansbury helping her solve mysteries in Cabot Cove. She'd never solve a single one without me, dontcha know!

"Mrs. Twidderdiddle from Snickerville Elementary." *giggle*

kathryn said...

Momma Fargo: HA! Glad you liked it!

Gavin: Sweetie, I want you to know that I'm aware that you're not supposed to watch tv when you're chasing sleep...but after 30 mins, I give up. It's either watch tv, or I'll wind up online!

Oddyoddyo13: I know. And you're right...they're predictably predictable. You know what I mean.

kathryn said...

Tina: That's right! You can lie your butt off for the rest of the interview but that question's the killer. Every. single. freakin'. time.

Lynn: Ha! A fellow sleuth! They're powerless against US!

Christopher said...

Ha, this is real funny. I think the lesson we should all take away from this is that you should never trust a man who wants to show you a big hole in a forest.

Carol said...

One more reason not to date, or trust hotel maids.

Gigi said...

Insomnia?? What is this? So far (knock on wood) I haven't had this affliction. But I do know of this special "gift" of which you speak - cause I have it too!

Fierce said...

OMG! That sounds like exciting stuff; and since you have that there ability it oughta keep your murderer-detecting skills in practice. Plus, we must be grateful that he did not have long blonde hair and stuff chickie in a blue rubber maid. Then he'd just be a boring old copy cat; where would be the fun in watching THAT?!

:)
xoxo

Lauren said...

Oh wow! This is exactly the kind of show my mom and I love watching! For exactly the reasons stated above! If you need help sleeping, try reading some Darwin. Puts me to sleep everytimes.

Christiejolu said...

I have insomnia bad myself. So I have seen so many Law and Order, CSI shows too! They almost always have the same formula huh? What the hell though they are fun.

Dreamfarm Girl said...

I love me a good mystery movie. Perry Mason was the best! Always a great sound track to go with it. But Kathryn, you are never going to solve the insomnia problem watching nail biting mysteries!

Gay Guy said...

Kathryn,

GG is also a frequent insomniac. There isn't a Law and Order episode that I don't know front to back. I watch them anyway. Law and Order is my fave. About a year ago, I saw an actor who had a minor part in one --count it, one -- episode on the sidewalk in NYC. I almost chased him down.

Oddly enough, Straight Guy was with me and he acted as a deterrent. Not that he would have minded some of my Law and Order lust leaking out, just that we were very purposeful at that moment.

Bernadine said...

Hi Kath

I don't have insomnia. I love to sleep to much (maybe it's because I have to get up at 4:30 in the mornings) There is an exception. I did had insomnia on Friday evening, but that was because I couldn't sleep at all. The first time ever I went to sleep 2:30 in the morning. I was soooooo tired on Saturday I had to drag myself out of bed. I didn't watch TV though... I was online!! :)

You should have a fab Thursday Kathryn!! :)

Gillian said...

Life is so damn predictible.

I hate insomnia and I can relate - totally!!!!

brite said...

"The hole made me do it...the hotel maid did it"
Brilliant!

Alan W. Davidson said...

Wow, the things I miss on late night TV. Nicely told tale.

uo-chan said...

you always know how to keep us intertained this story is like a csi story cool XD

JP said...

Great way to ruin it for me... I had that movie all queued up on the DVR.

ValleyWriter said...

Wow - that sounds like a good one. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight now, thinking of all the "great" TV I could be missing!!

sage said...

I think I'm glad I'm normally asleep at 2 and 3 AM, dreaming all kind of weird stuff (tonight it'll be a girl and a hole). May your new bff take a vacation.

Spot said...

Um...honey? You really need some sleep. Just sayin...

I never start watching tv or go online, it's a sure thing if I do that I will never get back to sleep. Keep a really boring book by the bed (think Moby Dick or some other book that you never made it through). When you start dropping the book on your head...sleep is not far behind...

You would make a great detective though! Such incredible skillz of deduction...

♥Spot

Slamdunk said...

Too funny. I have been blessed not to have insominia as an issue. I usually just about fall asleep walking up the stairs.

....Petty Witter said...

Sounds like the title of a movie - Bad Guy, Chickie And The Hole - yes, certainly a film in there somewhere.

kathryn said...

Christopher: I know! You'd think she would have been suspicious. I'm thinking I won't be able to pass a forest hole without thinking of this guy.

Carol: HA! I hear that. The more I watch these shows, the more I realize that we humans are a violent, greedy bunch. Don't trust any of 'em!

Gigi: Uh-huh. I'm glad the old insomnia-monster hasn't visited your house, honey...it's no picnic.
As for having that "special gift"...don't we all, as moms? It's how we know when our kids are trying to pull a fast one.

kathryn said...

Fierce: HA! I swear...NO-ONE remembers my musings better than YOU!
What a remarkable memory you have, sweetie. I'd forgotten about that hair-flipping guilty murderess with the blonde hair that stuffed her hunny into a Rubbermaid tub. Good times...

Lauren: Ha! I'll definitely keep that in mind. These shows are great, aren't they! So much comic relief...everyone can have their own opinion...you never really know whether they're guilty or not!

ChristieJolu: I'm amazed by how many ppl suffer from this. And I'm sure the networks know it too...I wonder why they feel us sleep-deprived ppl need to figure out murders when we're so tired?

kathryn said...

Dreamfarm Girl: I know, I know. If I'd thought there was a chance in hell I'd doze off, I'd never watch. Usually, I've shut the teevee off, then turned it on again 40 minutes later. And yeah...yelling at the teevee is not very good for sleep!

Gay Guy: Ha! Too funny. Now see, had *I* been with you, we would have tackled him and gotten him to buy us a cocktail and dish about everyone on the show. Insider scoop is important to us insomniacs...'cause there's nothing else to think about at 2am.

Bernadine: Wow! 4:30am is EARLY. When do you have to go to bed? 8pm? Yeah, after a week or so of not sleeping, I usually just crash. I'm counting on it. Great day, Bernadine!

kathryn said...

Gillian: Well, I'm sorry we have this in common, sweetie. I often know as soon as I settle into bed that sleep is a long way off...just a feeling. I'm glad I don't have it more often.

brite: Thanks, sweetie! (Honestly, I didn't know if anyone would even pick up on that...but I'm so glad you did!) HA!

Alan W. Davidson: Thank you. So, I take it you're a sleeper? Damn you.

kathryn said...

uo-chan: Ha! I'm glad you enjoyed it, sweetie. I'm always happy to highlight the good stuff.

JP: Aw. You did not. Besides, each and every crime who-done-it is in the same format. So, I didn't tell you anything you didn't already know. Nice try, though!

ValleyWriter: Ha! Don't you worry, honey. I'd much rather see you getting that all-important shut-eye. Leave the sleepless nights to me.

kathryn said...

sage: Oh, thank you. I would deeply appreciate my bff taking a hike. Permanently. I'd much rather miss this predictable teevee and get some much-needed sleep...

Spot: I KNOW! I don't know how I'd focus on the damn book! I'm freakin' exhausted...I'm just waiting to officially crash.

Slamdunk: Ha! It's funny...'cause I do love my sleep. Maybe that's the problem...it means TOO much to me...

...Petty Witter: I thought so, too! I was curious if the search engines would hone in on such a funky title.

Kimberly said...

Mrs. Agnes Twitterdiddle! Love it! And love a good murder mystery (and even a not-so-good one). :)

kathryn said...

Kimberly: HA! Me too! If it's good, I'll shut up and actually watch it. And if it's bad...well, we know what happens there.

Alicia said...

You should write sitcoms for Hollywood Kathryn. How come the don't have an American Idol for writers? You could write and perform a small skit each week and America could vote. I know you would totally win! Maybe you could get Bill to get in touch with Simon?

kathryn said...

Alicia: Thank you, sweetie! I promise, if Hollywood comes a-knocking, you'll be the first to know! (Does Bill know Simon? I'll have to check on this...)

Post a Comment

Fabulous Insights by Fabulous Readers