Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Life On Mars

After being chastised for my post yesterday…which evidently left many of you revisiting extremely painful and traumatic childhood memories better left untouched, I thought it best to pull a one-eighty...before people started getting really mad.

Clinton Kelly (The king of IVs): “What? My God, Kathryn…what did you say?”

Kathryn: “NOTHING! Okay, well…maybe it wasn’t exactly nothing, but…HEY….wait a minute. Why don’t you know what I wrote? Didn’t you read it?”

CK: “I read it virtually every day. Sometimes one slips by. What did you do?”

Taylor (17): “Hey. Did Mom tell you how she traumatized an un-specified number of readers by dredging up all their worst traumatic childhood memories just because some guy once told her she had fat fingers?”

CK: “I’m getting the gist of it but she’s being sketchy about the details. Are we talking a therapist...or an attorney standing by? Or do we need both?”

Kathryn: “Oh, c’mon! It wasn’t THAT bad. I managed to infuse some humor in there…”

Connor (13): “I’d go with the therapist. Who knows how many people she’s affected….”

Kathryn: “HEL-LO?? Stop talking about me like I’m not here! Stand down, people. I got a few tsk-tsk’s and that was it. Everyone’s moved on…I’m sure of it.”

Taylor: “That’s not what I heard. I heard there’s a petition floating around to require that people like you have to sign a legal document promising not to bum people out. There’s thousands of signatures already.”

Kathryn (Shocked): “Huh? ‘People like me’? What ‘people like me’? There are no ‘people like me’! I’m one-of-a-kind! A fluke of nature….an irreplaceable, rare and exceptional individual who shan’t be silenced by any hootin’-falootin’ legal document!”

CK: (Grimly) “I’d better call both. Taylor, please distract your mother.”

Taylor: “Aw. Why do I have to do it? Why can’t Connor do it?”

Kathryn: (Flustered) “Give me my phone. I’m calling Oprah. I will not be silenced! I will not be edited! If I wanna talk rabbit-poop I WILL, dammit!”

Connor: “What the hell is she talking about?? Who’s talking about poop?”

Kathryn: (Wails) “Doesn’t anyone in my own family read me? You try to raise ‘em right…and what happens? They can’t even be bothered…”

Taylor: (Loud stage whisper) “Distract! Distract! Code RED!”

Clinton: (Walking back in the room) “Kathryn! What was that fabulous idea you had for Bill to include on the next version of Microsoft Windows?”

Kathryn: “What? Oh. Um. Uh. You mean, the 'whatever' button?”

CK: “Yes! Do tell.”

K: “Well, it’s simple really. I believe that “yes”, “no” and “cancel” are completely outdated responses for today’s 2010 consumer. I do believe they should update this. I’ve worked up this feasible scenario as an example of how it would be utilized in the future:

Taylor: “So, you want windows to have a ‘whatever’ button? Are computers of the future really gonna be so obstinate?”

Kathryn: “Yes…I believe so. CLINTON! Did I show you my steamy bathtub photo?”

Taylor/Connor: “EWWWW. Mommmmm!”

Kathryn: “What? Oh, no! Ew! Nooooo….not THAT kinda steamy. I mean, I’m really HOT.”

Taylor/Connor/Clinton: “EWWWW.”

Kathryn: “Okay…not helping. Boys? You’re dismissed. Clinton…get back here.”

CK: “Aw. Why do I have to stay?”

Kathryn: (Sighs) “You’re a grown-up. Deal. Besides…this HOT photo of me is really COOL.”

CK: “Eh? Oh! Woah….steamy! And see? This photo definitely doesn’t make your fingers look fat.”

Thank you for visiting! Please remember to gather all personal belongings and wait until the ride has come to a complete stop before exiting your vehicle.

Have a grrrreat day!


Gavin said...

You're right. That picture is hot. XD Oh and btw...I love your "whatever" button idea.

carissajaded said...

BAHAHAHAHA I love Clinton!!! I think you should write a book... NO movie with clinton as the star, and he would actually have to be the star of course!!!

And although your last post made me drag up a bad memory, I wasn't upset by it at all!

Thaydra said...

I need a "whatever" button. On my computer, at work, while I'm driving... etc...

And I'm one who read your post yesterday, but did not mull over my past tragedies. I have post it notes everywhere already.

Btw... your fingers? Totally not fat. WTH was that person thinking? Were they drunk?

Heather said...

Clinton..A team of therapists.. stat! One might not be enough! LOL!
Just kidding!

Great post as usual!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Oh no, I read you post yesterday and definitely felt no trauma or recurring nightmares re-emerging! seriously! lol

Did people really get upset?

Runnergirl said...

I love following your trains of thought! I never know where they're going to go, but they're always fun!

Bernadine said...

Hi

Thanks for commenting on my blog. I guess it's my turn now!!

That "whatever" button idea.. great.. we all need the "whatever" in our lives once in a while..

Great post as always..

((HUGS)) from me :)

KT said...

Yes, Kathryn, I think I'm going to need you to provide me with a therapist after seeing the rabbit poop while i was eating COCOA PEBBLES! which is very similar to rabbit-poop.....
i love the whatever button, but i;m not sure if i like the cancel button being...cancelled out.
BTW your fingers are so not fat! I've def seen worse

ValleyWriter said...

Love the "whatever" button! And that is a steamy photo of you - with very youthful, slim fingers!

TC said...

LOL thanks for the laugh this morning, HOT, whatever button, therapist, but especially your world, Kathrynville......And your fingers are fine.

jmberrygirl said...

Oh, your vote of reassurance was just what I needed. It was actually kind of refreshing to think how thick my skin's gotten since then!

Allegria said...

"Kathryn's rabbit poop post--tonight at 11."

Funny post. When you start going back and forth with the imaginary conversations I have to brace myself for a good giggle.

Ron said...

Kathryn, my NY friend...you are definitely and wonderfully ONE OF A KIND!

And I THANK YOU for that!

I LOVE your idea about the "ok, nope, whatever buttons"

And your steamy bathtub photo...bwahahahahaha! And listen, if you wanna see fat fingers, you should see mind. My fingers are short and chubby.

And btw, I was extremely traumatized by your last post. I'm leaving this comment via a laptop in Bellevue! HAHAHAHAHA!

Love the Kathrynville! That would make for a great header.

Thanks for the laugh, Kathryn!

xoxox

Tinkerschnitzel said...

Kathryn, you never fail to make me smile! Now I'm off to read yesterday's post. :)

KellyGrrl said...

You are definitely one-of-a-kind! Your posts crack me up... :-)

Alicia said...

Clinton/Taylor/Conner...where is the line to sign this petition?

Just kidding Kathryn. There was enough humor in yesterday's post to keep me from being completely traumatized by the bad memories dredged up :-)

Funny Kiddo...just too darn funny! The fingers while not concert pianist long and thin are perfect for typing brilliant posts! And that's the important thing cause you can't make any money being a concert pianist...can you?

Straight Guy said...

My "whatever" button is all worn out.

All readers, Kathryn got away with it this time, but let's NOT start a trend of blogger bathtub photos. You have been warned.

Jenny said...

Please note that I am COMPLETELY and THOROUGHLY jealous of your bathtub. That is all. Hmph.

paul said...

I had some sort of nostalgia but nothing traumatic but your fingers are girly! However, it might have strayed my vision cuz it appeared you were taking a bath... Just kidding!

Fierce said...

Fun ride Kathryn. If you ever need any distracting work done, I'd be glad to help you with da boys or Clinton.

:)
xoxo

Fierce said...

P.S you've been tagged!

:p

Lily Johnson said...

Dear Kat, you just make me really laugh like all the time. And i also love your bathtub.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Love the candles on the tub. And your gorgeous slender hands. Steamy.

Kathryn said...

Gavin: HOT, Bay-bee! And I can't tell you how many times I think, "Whatever" as I'm impatiently punching the "okay" button 20 times!

carissajaded: Well, I AGREE! How about the book first...and THEN the movie! Clinton...da movie stah!

Thaydra: I think we could ALL use a "whatever" button for life's little annoyances. No, he wasn't drunk...he was just insensitive.

Kathryn said...

Heather: No...I think you may be right! We may need an entire building of therapists...on call! 24/7! Spread the word!!

WannabeVirgiiaW: Nah...I don't think I got more than the equivalent to a stern look for that post. It was no biggie...but, you know me & the drah-ma....

Runnergirl: I like the way you said "trainS" of thought! Smart girl! Thanks, sweetie!

Kathryn said...

Bernadine: Well, you're welcome! Yeah...it's one of my favorite expressions...and I think it even more than I say it!

KT: HA! Okay...one therapist specializing in POOP coming right up! (He'll probably just tell you to lay off the Cocoa Pebbles for a while) The "cancel" button can be the "nope" button. I DO wish I had long, slender fingers, though...

ValleyWriter: Aw! Honey, you always know just the right thing to say! Thank you!

TC: HA! Another simply perfect comment, my friend. You've managed to compliment me and encapsulate my entire post into 2 concise sentences! Bravo!

Kathryn said...

jmberrygirl: You are a big girl now! You can handle ANYTHING!! I've always got your back, honey.

Allegria: What a sweet thing to say...thank you, sweetie! And funny too...I'm sure EVERYONE would love hearing about my take on Rabbit Poop on the news. That, or Oprah...I'm not picky.

Kathryn said...

RON!! And Ronnie? If I may be so bold...NO-ONE gives COMMENT as good as YOU! And I'm sorry...I refuse to believe there is anything chubby about YOU. You are fast & wirey like a Ninja!

NOOO! Not Bellevue!!! Are you using the blue laptop that Bill gave you to go with their blue straight jacket, at least?? And you're SO right, of course...if I didn't love my Cape shot, that street sign would be up there!
Thanks for making my head swell, Ron! xoxoxo

Kathryn said...

Tinkerschnitzel: Ha! I'm so glad! And YOU make ME smile! Let's see if you're still smiling after you read "Better Forgotten". I didn't think it was that bad.

KellyGrrl: Aw. Thank you, sweetie! I'm glad you "get" me...and it's so great to have a place to just let it all goooooo!

Alicia: Oh, you are too perfect!! Well, for starters...we'll keep a therapist on standby in case you have any Post-Traumatic symptoms...you can't be too careful. And you're right about one thing: Chopsticks is all I can play, so I guess I'm better off on a keyboard!

Kathryn said...

Straight Guy: Aw. I hear you, honey...I really do. Sometimes, it's just too much effort to CARE....so, whatever. Oh, c'mon....we could start a trend! Nothing x-rated...kinda abstract...just a little tease?? Although, it WAS kind of hard to keep the lens cap and strap from falling in the water...and the steam kept fogging up the lens. But it was worth it.

Kathryn said...

Jenny: Aw! Young lady! Don't you walk away from me!! Yes, the bathtub is to die for...but remember: I rent...so I'm appreciating every precious soak, trust me!

Paul: Well, that was the whole idea! I'd distract you from my less than perfect fingers by the wafting of the steam from the baaath. That water was so HOT (and I guess the room was so COLD) that I had steam emanating from my person. Freaky.

Fierce: Hmmmm....this could be interesting. Distract them for a change...we'd have to work quickly, since there's 3 of them!
PS: Hoo, Baby!

Kathryn said...

Lily Johnson: Well, that makes me very happy! (That I make you laugh...not the tub-part. Altho, I love it too...what's not to love?)

Maureen@IslandRoar: Aw! Thanks, doll! It IS a steamy shot, right? I wasn't lying...

Jerry said...

I didn't realize that were the type to include steamy bathtub scenes in your blog. Whew! Maybe I better start sneaking in here after everyone is asleep.

Whatever...

Wendy Blum said...

Hootin Falootin! Will there be a poem with these lovely words in it? One can never tell LOL Your computer key ideas are great! No opting out..priceless =) Maybe Bill could add one that has a simple photo of the Flipping the Bird symbol on it as well. Right beside the No opting out statement? Just a thought. You're the one with the awesome idea and it's your blog...

jasofme said...

LOL I do not think you need a therapist.. If the things that did not happen to us way back then.. then we would not be the person we are today!! Lessons learned and then we move on!!

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