Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Oh, mon Dieu!

Found a rather interesting email in my inbox the other day. It started off like this:

Okay. I’ve no idea what language this is…but I’m pretty sure it’s not mine. I DO however, recognize the words Nano Patch…and if you look closely underneath, you can see “25%” in there.

Must be important! Shall we investigate? Of course! Anything with the word “MAXX PATCH”already has me intrigued.


Well, well. It seems there’s something occurring in this gentleman’s lower extremities. This male person looks woefully thin….perhaps he’s lost a sliver of toast he was just about to nibble for his morning meal and his platonic room-mate (sing it with me now: “Come and knock on our doooooor……”) has offered to remove said sliver before it becomes….well….mushy.

According to the above ad, this Quality Exchange could very well CHANGE MY LIFE. (Please keep in mind that this ad is for the #2 Maxx Patch and not the #1 Maxx Patch, which has been recalled internationally with reports of everything from loss of vision, to unusual whistling sounds while urinating, to a 50% chance of the male organ actually relocating approximately 6-8” north, settling in the belly-button region, whilst its sidekicks seem perfectly content to remain in their usual location.) This…unusual change in the male anatomy has made it increasingly difficult for gentlemen to find trousers that will properly close over said…member, as the average waistband hits just below where this male anatomy seems to have settled. Until a proper solution can be found, doctors can only offer a limited array of choices, such as: a wine gift pouch, an extra-large (yeah, you wish) surgical mask with extra long ties, the long paper bags used to hold Italian/French loaves, or the good old fashioned standby: the tube sock.

So happy to see this item was made right here in the good ‘ole US of A. Good to know there are “Membership Cards”, and “e-commerce” involved in this “Quality Group”.


Don’t-cha just want to call that number right now? That 089-4974977, 083-0792566, so that you, too can be really proud of your wazoo and know you’ll spend all day tomorrow at the free clinic and then be off to buy a nice fitting pair of jeans??

Jen said...

That is truly frightening. Looks like the language is Thai. Don't ask me how I know that. This is why I don't open those e-mails. But, they do make for some good blog posts.

Kathryn said...

Jen: For the official transcripts, I did not open said email...it's just...there. It didn't come as an attachment.
So, you think it's possibly Thai? Could it bear any connection to that Thai massage I had last month where the masseuse remarked that I was very "uptight" and that I could benefit from "some-ting give you happy ending. Leave your email address at front desk,"?
Nah. It's probably just a coincidence.

JD at I Do Things said...

Wait, I'm confused! Is it a Nano Patch or a Maxx Patch! It seems like it would make a difference . . .

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh! And I'm forwarding this to my brother's girlfriend, who is Thai. I want to get to the bottom (ew) of this.

Straight Guy said...

Look, I know we are emotionally vulnerable on this topic. But enough with the quackery. If there was a patch that claimed to make your ears smaller, would you believe in that?

Even if it did work, I don't need to stick the patch down there, do I? Yowch!

Kathryn said...

SG: She was CLEARLY looking down his pants. Where do you THINK you'd have to put said patch??!
JD: Because of your (ahem) enthusiastic interest in this topic, I have forwarded the original email to you to send to your "brother's girlfriend". (I believe the ordering info is listed on the bottom, honey.)

susan F said...

Lol at the ad. He's "giving her a gift"!

Kathryn said...

...and she looks...amazed...staring down in wonderment. I wonder what it is?!

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