Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It Ain't Heavy

“Why is your bag always so freakin’ heavy?” asks my IV. (Clinton Kelly, for anyone on the planet who still does not know this. Although, I have recently scheduled an interview with a Mr. Tim Gunn to inquire as to his availability…no promises made…no contracts signed…but it’s important to keep one’s options open, especially since Mr. Kelly seems to be getting awfully testy with me lately…and I haven’t done anything. Not a thing, I tell ya.)

Kathryn: “Well, Mr. Sunshine, let’s find out. Shall we?”


Kathryn: “CLINTON! YOU GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE! YOU STARTED THIS AND YOU WILL DAMNED WELL SEE IT THROUGH.”

Clinton: (Through horrified eyes) “I don’t care why it’s heavy! It could weigh twenty pounds for all I care! And it might! PLEASE just let me gooooo.”

Kathryn: “You're whining, ya know. Sit down. It won’t take long, honey. Most of it is self-explanatory anyway.”

CK: (Glances casually at answering machine)

K: “No, Tim hasn’t returned my call yet. Suck it up, big boy. You can do this. I promise to show you no undies and nothing that has been, is presently, or ever will be inside my body at any given time. ‘Kay?”

CK: “Fine. Let’s get this over with.”

K: “That’s the spirit! You’ll be a millionaire in no time with that attitude!!”

CK: “What. Ever.”

K: “Probably 50% of it are those wipe-thingies that kill all those germs that are out to get you and make you leak those horrid bodily fluids that require tissues and Sudafed and inhalers for your constricted airways and then cause you severe dehydration which is why we must always have a minimum of 5 different lip balms varying in flavor and ingredients from coconut for that “going to the beach” vibe all the way to the vitamin E and anti-aging emollients that supposedly give you softer, suppler lips by the end of the week. So, most of this crap is because of YOU, if you really think about it.”

CK: “And what portion of this chaos is considered your must-haves?”

K: “Well. The tape measure, of course. The world’s teeniest flashlight is a can’t-do-without, although the batteries are usually dead when I need it. The Neosporin is self-explanatory, as is the Reader’s Digest, the shoehorn and the chopsticks (both opened and unopened).

CK: “Okay. Ew. Since I know the answer to this question and I’m not watching Family Guy till you get through it, please…oh, please explain the contents of your 50-lb bag.

K: “Mock me all you like, mister. I am now going to pass on the singular most awesome piece of information our readers have ever read. They’ll never forget it and they’ll probably never be able to thank me enough for sharing it.”

CK: “And they love you, so if they think you’re full of sh!t, they probably won’t tell you anyway.”

K: “EXACTLY.”

CK: “You’ve got around a hundred words. GO.”

K: “WHAT?! Well, here’s the thing. It’s the best game ever…but it only works if you’ve got quite the assortment of items in your bag…then it’s an absolute blast. Say you’re in the doctor’s office with your…I don’t know…Surgery sister, let’s say for example…waiting room, right?

You tell her to close her eyes. She won’t want to close her eyes. Why? Because of that time when she was five and you told her to feed Grandpa’s neighbor’s cows the green apples ‘cause You promised they liked ‘em and then they gave sour milk and Grandpa got in trouble and you had to play in your room for the entire next day. Oh, boo-hoo…a whole entire day. Just close your eyes, dammit…people are starting to stare.

Then she has to hold out her hand and guess what’s in it. That’s the whole freakin’ game, but you’d be surprised how much fun it can be…and how much time it can pass. I’ve had entire waiting rooms giving Connor clues as to what he’s holding, because it would never occur to him that his mother would actually carry a baggie containing an eyelash curler, a domino and a pebble.

But, that’s for another day.

I was a Girl Scout, ya know....

JD at I Do Things said...

I carry EVERYthing in cute fannypack that I sling over my shoulder in an effort to pretend it's not a fannypack.

I don't have a shoehorn or tape measure, but I do have a variety of lip balms and hand sanitizers.

Kathryn said...

So, does this (fanny), er, shoulder bag carry any motrin, ginger root, juicy fruit, or those little toothpicks that are wrapped in the plastic that never stays on so that by the time you really need one you can't bring yourself to put it in your mouth 'cause it's got heaven-knows-what on it?
Surgery-sister got annoyed with me the other day 'cause I didn't have a pair of tweezers on me. She GOT ANNOYED. I can't imagine why.

Kathryn said...

Oh, and JD: The next time you're walking down the runway in shoes that are too small and you get tripped by that hot new model-bitch "Sy-rup" and you lose one shoe, I'll be the first one to throw you my shoe horn.
You're welcome.

Jen said...

That is a frightening ensemble of items in that bag. I try to keep the purse contents to a minimum. The only extraneous things are dental floss and gum. You never know when you might end up with something stuck in your teeth.

f8hasit said...

Looks like your handbag has all the things that are on my nightstand...
You must have strong shoulders!
:-)

Pearl said...

You're a brave woman, Kathryn, dumping your bag.

:-)

Pearl

Kathryn said...

Jen: But? But what if you're out shopping with say, Bill Gates...and he says "I'd love to create an indisribulating uber-sting for my new line, but it needs to be about 'this big' (holds fingers unknown distant apart). What I wouldn't give for a tape measure about now."
f8hasit: No, I have aching shoulders. Will you hold my bag for a minute??
Pearl: Welcome!I'm not brave....I'm...resourceful and evidently underappreciated. Wait till the next time someone needs a somewhat germ-infested chopstick...

Chrissy said...

Do I see tampons? Oh wait, you keep those in your bra.

Kathryn said...

OH. MY. GOD. CHRISSY. That has to be the meanest, cruelest, harshest, nastiest,(HYSTERICAL) thing you have ever said to me. And I have absolutely NO IDEA what you're talking about. (Sniffs indignantly)

Susan F said...

It IS a little frightening!

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