Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Freaky Fashion

Oh yes, faithful readers. It is that time once again….lest we forget to pay homage to the poor unfortunates that must walk down a long, somewhat slippery runway…trying their very, very best to maintain a shred of dignity in spite of being forced to display some garments that no-one in their right mind would ever be caught dead wearing, whilst being paid an exorbitant amount of green to do so.

Which is probably what keeps them from forcibly throwing themselves off of said runway and committing some garish form of fash-i-cide.

As weird as this stuff is, it does make one wonder: Just how much must one dislike those in this industry to create these ensembles….and what exactly, is the going rate these days for major public humiliation?

So, hold onto your hats, people:

As always, I’ve captioned each photo with the first thing that pops into my head. This head-gear is aptly entitled “Hello?” This is perfect for the gal who has no pocket with which to place her cell…but doesn’t want to miss a single call. Kindly leave a message at the beep.

I personally feel that the last item would go flawlessly with the above number, which I’ll call “Building Blocks Awry”. Overall, it would lend itself to a telephone…sitting atop a telephone table….in The Twilight Zone. I particularly love the artfully-draped hair…and the duct-taped stripes across her face were probably a bitch to remove. I hope she charged extra for that.

To complete this ensemble, I’d have to go with the above. I do believe you could go with either the silver or the black….as long as both were loaded. Headline would read: “Model Turns Well-Heeled Shoe on Maverick Designer before Turning Weapon(s) on Herself”.

We will now turn our attention to those who decided to add an automotive edge to their designs:

I’ll call this one “Honk If You Hate Halogen”. Honestly…I don’t know what else to say. It’s hard to type when you’re laughing like a hyena.

I’m calling this “She’s a Lovely Girl, Hubble”. (Hubble? Hub cap? Get it??) The look in her eyes says it all.

I’d pair Hubble with this fabulous bottom…because not every guy can take one of those blankets the movers use to put over your piano to keep it from getting scratched and not only get it to drape just so, but to quickly sew in some pockets to hold his loose change, Union-Model-of-the-Year identification card and some Chapstick.

I’d finish off this number with these shoes, which clearly don’t know whether they’re coming or going. That’s all I’m gonna say.

Next, we’ll go to the “Poufy” division:

This one’s called “Someone Really Hates Pink. And Women. And Feathers”. Again….I’m at a loss to say more.

This is “The Abominable Snow Monster Meets Teddy Roosevelt’s Mustache”. Am I the only one that can make this jump?

Susan’s gonna looove this title. I’m calling it “Leaf Me Alone”.

We’ll complete this look with the prerequisite *pop* of color…’cause it’s just so darned unexpected. See how freakin’ happy that fish is?

Final category shall be the animal & disease division:

This one’s called “MooseUtopia”. I’ve no idea why…it just popped into my head.

Since “MooseUtopia” has no headgear, I shall pair it with the above most excellent haircut. You just know people would gasp in amazement as she turned her back to the audience.

Footwear shall be either of the above…although I personally feel that “Option B” is the grosser of the two…and probably easier to walk in.

I would add the above “Meatbag” for maximum visual impact. Just stay away from dogs, intense heat or vegetarians.

And for those days when you’re not quite feeling like yourself, I’m calling this “Boils on My Body”. However, I would substitute the above Globe-headgear for this little number:

…which I entitle “At-Choo”, for obvious reasons.

Pull the whole thing off with the above hi-tops. Although they have nothing to do with either animals or disease, no-one’ll care once you crank up Tina Sinatra singing “These Boots Are Made For Walking” and stroll off into the proverbial sunset.

That is, if you can find a sunset….amidst all this damned, stupid rain.

jh said...

Love it! I'd still do the guy in the skirt.

kathryn said...

I hear that. Easy access.

Straight Guy said...

At least you women still get some eye candy. The female models in your selection are so beyond hope that the most attractive one is... the meat purse.

Oh, I am horrible.

kathryn said...

Oh, I don't think you're horrible. You'd be singing a different tune if it were the Victoria's Secret Show, my man.

Susan F said...

OL... "Leaf me Alone"! Too funny!

How do the designers THINK of these things? I mean, how does one come up with "toilet paper on a head"?

kathryn said...

I TOTALLY thought of you for that "Leaf" one...it's like I heard your voice in my head.
I wonder why it wasn't a tissue box on her head?!

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