Monday, August 11, 2008

And, Hold It...

It seems completely appropriate (at least, to me) to go from one post about food to another about fitness. I mean, they both start with “F” and they’re both very hard for me…one in preparation, the other in the execution.

So, there you go.

As I’ve mentioned in the past, I’m still waiting for that one particular fitness video to magically re-appear on my local cable. I’m beginning to think it’s never, ever coming back (said with the resolute foot-stomp of a whiny four-year-old)….so, my lack of six-pack abs for the summer of ’08 is really all Sportskool’s fault and not mine at all.

But in the spirit of maturity and in trying to be less like the ostrich I fear I am slowly becoming, I’ve once again entered the mysterious, strange and unfamiliar land of the unknown (again, at least to ME): The Land of FITNESS...FITNESS…Fitness…fitness…(enter gradually fading, yet dramatic and serious-sounding voice here.)

The guy’s name is Terry Simpson and he is a Professional Trainer. And I’m thinking he probably honestly is, since his title does not have quotation marks surrounding it.

Anyway, the first video I chose seemed like pretty basic fare…it’s entitled “Ultimate Express: Build your body with Terry Simpson and 10 exercises for time-challenged toners.” Otherwise known as “
the workout for those of you too freakin’ lazy to get off your butts and do any real exercise.”

It was approximately 12 minutes and 9 seconds. Not that I was timing it, or anything.

It was good….he (Terry…sounds like “TERROR”, right?) had you work with hand weights (which I actually own, thankyouverymuch) and announced at the beginning of the piece that we would work “a virtual plethora of body parts, throwing them immediately into the zone of toned perfection, with nary a backward glance”, or something to this effect.


He never did anything with the abs...and therein lays the flaw in an otherwise perfect plan.


Onward, people.

Next visit was to “Ultimate Abs: Get ripped with trainer Terry Simpson as he strengthens and lengthens your midsection.” Otherwise known as “
prepare for an inside look at what it would feel like to have your midsection attacked by a pack of angry wolves and removed from your torso and dragged back to the den to be devoured a little bit every day for, say…a good month or so, give or take.”

Here’s my bud Terry in action:

He looks like he’s enjoying himself…no? Of course, he’s talking up a blue streak….I seem to recall him saying something about the way his regular barber “Bubba” was out of town and he had to succumb his precious locks to the back-up guy, “Guido”….and all the while he’s saying “Now, hold it….hold it…why hold it?....because we CAN…!”

And this would be ME:

It was approximately 16 minutes and 28 seconds…(again, not that I kept track.)

The problem was that the second video was watched on my computer, as the choices on my teevee were completely and utterly unacceptable. This meant that I was trying to replicate moves that were being viewed on a 3” by 3” screen. THAT was difficult enough, but I seamlessly troubleshot this dilemma by placing the laptop on the floor and I figured I was golden.

Except that the screensaver kept kicking in.

This occurred approximately once every two minutes and as I knew how essential it was to not lose one’s momentum (not to mention the fact that I was twisted into some croissant-position-from-hell) I could do no more than to flail in the general direction of the computer and hope I managed to inadvertantly swipe the keyboard with a fingertip, elbow or any other body part, thereby disengaging the lovely psychedelic slide show that is my screensaver for yet another 2 minute round.

So, I got through it. I’m not particularly happy about it, but that should surprise absolutely no-one.

I’ve made a tentative three-times-a-week date with Mr. Simpson and I’ll try not to stand him up….too often.

As for tomorrow, let’s just see if I can still walk...

Anonymous said...

He is sooo MY boyfriend!

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