Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Dear Diary: Still Can't Sleep (& Clinton Kelly's Adorable Even At 3am)

Jackie once mentioned that this blog is almost like a daily diary…where my friends, family (and a few perfect strangers) get to glimpse through the curtains and peek into the not-always-smooth-sailing living room that is my life.

So, I guess this makes anyone reading this my very own personal peeping-Tom. Aren’t you proud about now?

So…interesting title today, huh? In all seriousness though, I cannot remember the last decent night’s sleep I’ve had. The last four or five nights, I’ve actually watched the clock strike 4am. It's actually getting later and later. Maybe eventually, I'll cycle all the way back to where I should can only hope. I also keep waiting for my body to be so exhausted that I just crash…but evidently, it is waging its own battle on whatever this is that’s preventing my befuddled brain from shutting down.

And how does the adorable Mr. Kelly fit into this post? I’m glad you asked. Due to all this extended “awake-time” I’ve had over the last (3-4 weeks!) I now have the teevee schedule pretty much down: In bed by midnight…watch Sex & The City. Then, it’s Will & Grace and then I’m bored. So, I channel surf…a pasttime that while perfected by the male gender, I’m beginning to appreciate the reasoning behind why guys flip, flip, flip….it’s ‘cause there’s nothing ON.

The last two nights, after taking an imaginary walk with Metro through my imaginary neighborhoods of imaginary mansions with imaginary Jags/Mercedes in every imaginary driveway and running into my hot imaginary single neighbor and realizing that sleep is about as close as that mansion is to being real, I sat up and reached for the remote. Decided to see if my beloved Ab Strengthening video has been re-instated on the Sportskool channel. (It has NOT….not that I was gonna do it then and there, even if it was…) From there, I discover that TLC has a few eppys of What Not To Wear in their data bank…possibly just for poor insomnia-captive night owls like myself. The only problem with navigating a menu of options on my teevee at 3am is that my eyes have already called it a night and I’m left with my backup 80-year-old-grandma eyes, so I’m doing my best to squint and make out as many words as I can....or at least the first letter or so.

First, I have to find the “free” section of “on demand”. Check. Then I’m looking for TLC, which is a little harder ‘cause there’s TBS and TVG on Demand, which in my sleep-deprived state look pretty much identical. After one or two hits and misses (involving a degree in astrophysics to navigate the remote with the lights ON…now? Fuggetaboutit.) I land on TLC. Check. Now, I’ve got 3 choices: Primetime Showcase, Special Features and TLC Hits, none of which I can read.

So, I click on the first one and my only options are 3 features that begin with “L” and “M”, and I know that’s not right, so I’m outta there. The second choice has a longer sub-list…with the first two titles an “M” and the second two “S” and then I see some “W’s”, so I’m hopeful. The first one I click on turns out to be Wild Weddings, so I have to back out and find my way back to the previous section. (Heaven knows how much time all of this is taking) And then, finally….THERE HE IS! The one I clicked on was entitled “Night on Town” (I’ve just checked it now, whilst my “young-eyes” are still functioning properly) and it opens with Stacy in some very-close-to-hooker-attire and Clinton playing a corny version of either a pick-up artist or a pimp…I’m not sure which….I was a tad piddled-out, don’tyaknow

But even in my sleep-deprived state, this makes me smile. After showing us past eppys of everyday ladies they’ve encountered who dressed like ladies-of-the-night, the next scene had Clinton in some beer-themed oversized t-shirt, cargo shorts and a baseball cap turned backwards and he turns sideways and is creating a huge faux beer belly, then it disappears, then it’s back, then it’s gone…and you can tell he’s having a good ‘ole time and now I’m giggling at what a silly, adorable man he is and then it dawns on me that this may not be the best way to try and fall asleep so regretfully, I bid Sir-Cutie-Clinton farewell…with the hope that we may meet again in my dreams...

Which is not possible….because to dream requires that one be asleep…..(sigh)

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