Saturday, May 10, 2008

Three's The Charm?

With tomorrow being Mother’s Day, I thought I’d tackle a subject that’s utmost in my mind.

It’s poison ivy. Or poison oak. Or sumac. It’s poison-something.

Surely you’ve made the mental leap from the holiday to the weed…yes?
Let me help you to connect the dots in my thought process:

Mother’s Day=


(Yes, these are the actual flowers awaiting their move into permanent digs. They’re just like their owner: colorful and bright…did I miss any colors, you think??)


(In my defense, we’ve had a lot of rain lately. Are you buying that??)

Planting=Weeding= Poison Ivy……or Poison-Something.

Which brings me to my latest memory lapse.

Is it “Leaves of three… let it be?”

Or, is it “Leaves of five… run and hide?”

Or “Leaves of nine…Don’t touch, Einstein!”

I simply cannot recall.

Is THIS poison-something?

No?? How about THIS?

Is THIS anything I should run from??

As you’ve realized by now, I am deeply disturbed by the plant life on my property. You’d think I lived in the middle of the woods by the looks of things…but those of you that know me realize THAT WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN.

What HAS happened is that I’ve gotten a horrific case of poison-something as recently as last fall and now I’m afraid to go near anything even remotely green. (Nothing will make someone recoil in horror quicker than seeing some red, bumpy, blistery rash on the hands and arms of someone who’s just extended their hand towards yours in greeting, trust me.)

So, I’m not STUPID. There’s something OUT THERE and it will GET ME AGAIN if I’m not CAREFUL.

I went to the store the other day and asked for something that would annihilate anything poisonous, while leaving any and all decorative plants unscathed. Evidently, no-one has developed such a chemical as yet. I’m told it’s all or nothing. I’d like to know who I can complain to about this…surely if they can develop a seedless watermelon they can stop the madness that’s made me a virtual prisoner in my own home!?!

Which brings me to the second part of my conundrum (yep…it’s a two-parter…):

How am I even supposed to know if it’s a weed?

I personally feel that Mother Nature is extremely shifty when it comes to weeds…she disguises them with itty-bitty flowers, so we won’t readily realize they need the boot. So far, this deception is working out very nicely over here. She’s got me completely bamboozled.

For instance, I know the red flowers below are azaleas….but what’s the other one…with the stalks and the purple flower on top? I’m guessing it’s a weed, if for no other reason than the fact that it’s springing up everywhere and keeps coming back, no matter how often I pull it out. (The fact that it’s growing IN THE MIDDLE of the bush is probably a red flag as well.)

So, as far as I can tell…Mother Nature’s trying to pull a fast one on me. Over and over again.


And here. Now I’m suspicious of EVERYTHING.

I miss my friend Fran…from da old neighborhood. Fran knows her plants. She would know which is the filet mignon and which is the...whatever the tough part of the cow is..., in no uncertain terms. I’d gone to the nursery with her a few times and she’s ruthless with what’s "hot" and what’s "not". She’s the Clinton Kelly of foliage.

I’d say “What about this?” and she’d say “No. Too invasive.”

“This one?” I’d try.

“No. They flop over. Too sloppy-looking,” she’d respond.

See? No prisoners. I’m going to have to start on a plan to get her to move closer to me.

In the meantime I don’t know what I’m gonna do. When it comes to weeds and poisonous greenery, Mother Nature is not stupid….but I definitely may be.

Happy Mother’s Day all!

Anonymous said...

Ah, this is the time of year for it, isn't it? Planting and weeding now that spring is here. And you're's so unfair that weeds have flowers too!!

Anonymous said...

this was hysterical

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