Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The "W" Word

I got the nicest compliment today. My Aunt Joyce said that she enjoys my writing (that’s not it, although it’s always great to hear)… AND (here it comes…) that she can just hear my mom. It’s the nicest email I’ve read all day.

With Mother’s Day rapidly approaching, my siblings and I begin to silently grit our teeth as we are inundated with reminders to PICK UP THE CARD/BUY THE PERFUME…DON’T FORGET THE DAY! Like we could forget…even if we wanted to. Although we are mothers ourselves, it’s just not the same without OUR Mom. It sounds lame to ask everyone to hug their mom extra-hard this year…but I’m gonna say it anyway. Just DO IT. For those of us who really, really want to…and can’t.

Mom had a lot of “Mom-isms”. I suppose all moms do but I only know about my own. I’ve already mentioned the infamous “Everybody has something”…tonight, I’m reminded of another one: “You can put up with just about anything if you break it down.”

Somehow in this house, we’ve got more than our share of things to “put up with”…and there’s not a lot left to “break down”. I think they’re meant to be a set, like salt & pepper…or corned beef on rye with a little mustard. Can you tell I’m hungry? I can’t remember the last time I had some good Jewish Deli. And I’ll take a round knish…and don’t skimp on the pickles…and I’ll take it to GO, please.

Anyway….the house. Oh, this house. It truly is the bane of my existence. The volumes I could (and probably will) write about this infuriating house. You will notice a definitive theme when it comes to the issues I’ve had here…they all center around one word: water. In future musings, I’ll probably refer to it as the “w” word…it hurts my lips sometimes just to say it. One issue we’ve had since DAY ONE is NO water pressure. Now, do not confuse this with LOW water pressure, which is a totally common occurrence in many homes. Why didn’t I realize this during the pre-purchase handy-dandy home inspection, you ask? What can I say…I was blinded by the oversized inground pool and the two (count ‘em, two!) fireplaces. Everything else was a complete blur. I’ll go on record now as saying my selective eyesight has caused me many a sleepless night. Ambien has become my best friend.

So while turning in my sheets-
And once again, I cannot sleep-
Walk out the door and up the street-
Look at the stars beneath my feet-
Remember rights that I did wrong-
So, here I go….

(I wonder if James Blunt ever thinks of us...in this house... when he sings this song.)


Back to the “w” word. The key thing to remember in this house is that you may only do ONE water-related PRIORITY at a time. Wash the dishes? That’s one. Take a shower? That’s one, too. Do not think for one moment that these two things can be done simultaneously….it’s simply not possible. Somehow, the house has established its own PRIORITY system as to where the extremely limited water shall go…sometimes the lucky-shower-taker gets all the pressure and you get a cold little trickle in the kitchen sink…other times, it’s reversed. It’s all just a big, old crapshoot…honestly.

So. We’ve learned to “call it” in our house. As an example, if I’m heading into the shower, (I use myself as an example due to my girlie-aversion to cold, trickly water) “calling it” would entail saying the following:

“BOYS. I’M TAKING A SHOWER. DO NOT USE ANY WATER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. THIS INCLUDES (BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO) WASHING ONES HANDS OR RINSING OUT A DISH (yeah, like THAT’S ever gonna happen). IF YOU HAVE TO PEE, KINDLY DO NOT FLUSH.”

This said at the highest possible volume without it sounding too much like a screech, which is what I invariably DO when they somehow still manage to cut into the water while I’m showering.

I used to think the pressure was acceptable as long as you only ran one thing. This proved inaccurate one day when I ran the shower after cleaning the tile enclosure. I had the hand-held shower thingie in my hand, when a gust of wind blew the bathroom door closed, startling me and causing it to drop to the floor. There it lay…reminding me of a turtle that’s been flipped over onto its back…but instead of spraying the walls and ceiling with water, I noticed the cutest little water fountain. It couldn't have been more than 10 inches high.

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