Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Disconnect


I’m sorry…the blog you have dialed has been temporarily disconnected…due to the owner of said blog temporarily losing her freakin’ mind. If you think you’ve misdialed…well, you probably haven’t.

I know how much we enjoy a good interview and since I’ve opened the door to Blogville and no-one’s on the other side, I’ll just have to do this myself.

(Sighs dramatically. Takes deep, cleansing breath--like they do on all those exercise videos I never do—and prepares to go into her multiple-personality-mode)

Interviewer: “Okay. So, WTF? You’d better be short a limb or something for being gone so freakin’ long. No email, no tweet, no nothing? You just…drop off like that? Is that how your mother raised you??”

Kathryn (Surprised): “What? Yikes. Crap. I guess this is what they mean by us being the hardest on ourselves. Lighten up a little, will you? And kudos for wishing me the loss of a limb. Way to make me feel loved.”

I: “Don’t turn this back on me. Lucy, you’ve got some ‘splaining to do. Spill.”

K: “Ahem. Okay. MY DAD IS OKAY. HE’S OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND HAS BEEN LOVINGLY AND RESPECTFULLY PLACED IN AN ASSISTED LIVING ENVIRONMENT WHERE HE CAN LEAD A PRODUCTIVE LIFE WHILST BEING MONITORED AND RECORDED. WAIT. JUST MONITORED…NOT RECORDED.”

I (Wincing): “Why are you shouting at me? Inside voice, Kathryn.”

K: “Oh…sorry. I’ve been talking to an 81-year-old for a while now. If you don’t speak up, you wind up repeating yourself a lot. Actually, you wind up yelling and repeating yourself, so it’s kinda moot, now that I think about it. Do you want me to get you some Jell-o?”

I: “Um, no. Although I could go for a pudding cup, if you’re asking.”

K: “I’m not. The family stuff has been intense. Plus working fulltime and doing the whole Mom-thang.”

I: “What does that involve, exactly?”

K: “Are you mocking? Don’t mock the Mom-thang. Laundry. Grocery shopping. Cleaning. Cooking.”

I: “Cooking?”

K: “Cleaning. Laundry…”

I: “Yeah, I thought so. Hard to lie to yourself, right?”

K: “Bite me.”

I: “Wow. Someone’s cranky.”

K: “But I’m…(tries to think of something positive)…adequately hydrated.”

I: “What?”

K: “Huh?”

I: “So, are you back for good? Or, are you going to disappear again? Because it’s very inconsiderate…and more than a little rude.”

K: (Sniffs) “Well, I hadn’t planned it this time. Things happen. Sometimes, life throws you a 180 and you need to sink before you get what you give.”

I: “What? What the hell?? Only you could take three metaphors and turn them into a run-on sentence with no meaning whatsoever.”

K: “Bite me.”

I: “Okay. That’s getting old. And it’s not very ladylike, either. You need to work on that.”

K: “Ya think? Maybe I should focus on removing any negativity from my life as well. Shed the winter blues, as it were.” (Looks interviewer up and down)

I: “Yes, I suppose that’s one way to go. Or, you could not bite the hand that’s worth two in the bush and have yourself a merry little Christmas. Now.”

K: “I like the way you think. But can I go to bed? I'm pooped. Start fresh tomorrow?”

I: “Sure. Just promise everyone you’re back for good. So they won’t worry.”

K: “I’m back…I don’t want any. More. Drama. Just calm, boring stuff. Woot.”

I: “So, you remember how to get back to this here internet? ‘Cause you’ll need to come back and check in periodically…just to be neighborly…”

K: “Very funny.”

I: “And you'll have to show up more than once a week, or these virtual cobwebs’ll be back quicker than you can say ‘Kathrynville’.”

K: “Okay… I get it.”

I: “I don’t want to have to come back here again. Now, drive to the store and get me my pudding cup.”

K: “Bite me.”

Gigi said...

Yay - you are back in all your glory!

I'm so glad your Dad is settled and doing well.

All is forgiven - family drama is always a legitimate excuse. But yeah, now that you mention it....it *is* kinda dusty in here.....

Alan W. Davidson said...

Welcome back stranger. Nice self-interview. Glad to hear that your dad is doing OK.

kathryn said...

Gigi: Oh, yay! Please pardon my dust. And cobwebs...and just ignore that pile of dirty clothes over there. Whee! I'm SO GLAD to be back!!

Alan W. Davidson: Thank you, kind sir. I have missed you terribly. But in a nice, bloggie-kinda way. Not creepy at all. Now I shall stalk you. I mean, comment at your place.

Susan F said...

Kathryn, that must have been very difficult and emotional for you. And it must have made it especially hard that it all went down during the time of year that is already so hard on you. I'm glad your dad is settled, and you've taken some time to catch your breath. Take good care of yourself. (((Kathryn)))

diane rene said...

yuck. family issues suck.
family health issues should be unlawful.
a mortal sin.
something horrible and doom-ish like that.
glad you are back!
doing the happy butt dance
(_/_)(_|_)(_\_)(_|_)(_/_)(_|_)(_\_)(_|_)

Dorn said...

I was very happy to see you pop back up on my reader. I'll go back to finish the rest right now, but I laughed immediately at your "prepares to go into her multiple-personality-mode." Who you trying to fool? Us or you? Go into!

Christopher said...

I'll always wait for you to come back. Although to be honest, that's a bit long to be talking to yourself so maybe a week more wouldn't be a terrible idea. Just kidding, it would be awful.

Alicia said...

Hey lady! I know how it can be when you gotta take care of life. It kinda slaps you in the butt sometimes huh? And not in the fun butt slapping kinda way!

But welcome back, hand me a swiffer would ya and I'll help you clean some of these cobwebs around here...can we have a glass of Cloudy while we clean?

.end transmission. said...

Welcome back, old friend. Not only does Lucy have some splaining to do, she's got some reading to do.

Take your time, breathe, and we will be here when you beckon.

Glad you're back, and all is on the way to calm. :-)

Geeta said...

Best wishes for the wellbeing of you father/family... and being able to relax!

...are you writing a book? Because you should - your multiple personality writing abilities are phenomenal and hint at an ability to create different characters :)

Just sayin'

BlackLOG said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BlackLOG said...

I think I might have found your “freakin’ mind” it was shuffling about at the bottom of our garden…..

It was the empty bottle of Cloudy that was the main clue…

Let me know if you want it back and I'll put it in a padded cell...

If not I'll just keep topping up its Cloudy and let it continue interviewing the flowers. Seems happy enough, although some of the flora are starting to complain...

Collette said...

I'm glad your dad is doing better. I know how it is to deal with older family members. I've been at it myself for a while now. It can be very frustrating when it seems like you're doing it all yourself.
Glad to have you back & I hope I can get back more myself! (((HUGS)))

dailyseeking said...

I'm glad you are back--I've been worried!

kathryn said...

Susan F: Oh, Sueeeeee! I have been thinking and thinking about you... Have your ears been constantly ringing? I may have physically dropped off in the internet-world but that hasn't meant you have not been in my thoughts. You are getting an extra-long email tonight, missy. Watch for it, my dear e-friend! How sweet are you for commenting??

kathryn said...

diane rene: Ha! I'm loving your rear-end anatomy dance...it's a mature version of the Snoopy dance I usually think of. Yes, family health issues suck. I would love to never, ever deal with them again...ever. If only. I'm just so freakin' grateful for the peace and quiet. I know you appreciate this! Thanks for the comment, sweets!

ValleyWriter said...

Glad to see you're back - and to hear that your dad is out of the hospital. Wishing you a long, drama-free run!

Kelly@MentalGarbage said...

Hey, sometimes there just aren't enough hours in the day to make real life and on-line life work together...

Hope everything gets nice and calm for you :-)

Lauren said...

HA! I CAN COMMENT! For some reason I can't when I'm on my computer at home... Still here though. I think your blog hates me. I'm not feeling the love...

But I'm totally with you on the no drama front. That should be a country. Nodrama. And when you live there, you have no drama. Drama isn't allowed to cross the border. I'm thinking an island of some kind? I'm open to suggestions though.

sage said...

"Losing her freaking mind..." that sounds like my life of late. Glad to have you back in good humor or humour for your British fans.

kathryn said...

Dorn: HEY. Yes, I said "go into". We all know there's only one of me. (Squints) Now, stop that. I can SEE you nodding condescendingly...and frankly, I don't care for it. Stop messing with me, dude!

kathryn said...

Christopher: Ha. I don't think another week'll make me sane. Seriously. I missed you too...I have never felt so out of touch and it is absolutely the longest I've ever gone without social media. I didn't much care for it...I'm thrilled to be back!

kathryn said...

Alicia: Sure! Of course...where ARE my manners? Sit down...grab a Swiffer...and please excuse my mental mess. I've missed you! I'm always so damn proud of how my family mobilizes in a crises...big or small, but man, oh man. I'm hankering for a big 'ole dose of BORING.

kathryn said...

.end transmission.: You've hit the nail on the head, my friend. I can't believe how time flies. I'm also annoyed that I can't fit everything into my day. I keep thinking if I just....stuff....a little....more....in..... Gasp.

kathryn said...

Geeta: Aw...thank you! It's very kind of you to say. Isn't everyone working on a book...even if it's in their heads? I've got a folder somewhere on my desktop (makes shuffling paper noises for emphasis) that says "The Book". Oh, look...it hasn't been touched since 6.30.10. FAIL!

kathryn said...

BlackLOG: HA! You can leave it be...my sanity's probably naively happy to be outside, thinking there will be no bugs or humidity. We know better. I thought you were gonna say that you'd send it back in a padded envelope. Of course, you said you'd place my sanity in a padded cell, which makes a lot more sense. Unless you're partially insane, like me. I've missed you guys!

Hannah said...

I was JUST thinking about how we haven't heard from you in a while and then I logged in and LO! Hope your dad is doing well and glad to have you back!

John McElveen said...

'Athryn......Ctr alt del that friggin Interviewer--Puddin cup my A**.....

Glad your Dad's OK--and It's going to be tuff later on, but we will still be here!.

Please don't ever apologize for being a Bi---GONE when real life takes control. No excuses, No mas- K? Hey--there's your K back!! Take care and glad to have you back.

We love you, always have- always will.

We MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GET YOU TO TELL YOU but we do.

Did you honestly think you'd get any slack from me?

You wouldn't respect me in your mourning if you did!

Love ya K--Really do. So do thousands gal.




COOKING---AHHHH haaa HAAAAA ha haaa--and I Have a Pudding cup and am Putting it in my mouth!

HUGS Sweet lady!

J!

BlackLOG said...

HA! You can leave it be...my sanity's probably naively happy to be outside, thinking there will be no bugs or humidity. We know better. I don’t know about that, it’s just eaten most of the bugs and I’m getting complaints from the spiders and other bug predators’ that they have nothing left (or right for that matter) to eat. Humidity appears unchanged, will let you know if that changes
I thought you were gonna say that you'd send it back in a padded envelope. Of course, you said you'd place my sanity in a padded cell which makes a lot more sense. I should have gone with the envelope, have you seen the shipping costs for a padded cell these days….
Unless you're partially insane, like me. I've missed you guys! Not as much as I’ve missed myself….now just where did I leave the other half of my split personality…..

snoble24 said...

hahaha. your funny. im glad your dad is allright.

kathryn said...

Collette: Hey, sweets! Thanks for the shout-out. I know you've been dealing with the caregiver stuff yourself. Yikes...it sure does take a lot out of you, right? I hope everything quiets down for both of us. Sound good?

kathryn said...

dailyseeking: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. I will try my absolute best to never let it happen again. M'kay?

kathryn said...

ValleyWriter: Thank you, sweets! I'm hoping for nothing but some peace and quiet...no drama, nothing intense. I think we could all use some of that, especially after this past winter. Right?

kathryn said...

Kelly@Mental Garbage: You are so right, sweetie. There are many times when I resent my real life for infringing into my online-time. I feel like the online stuff is for me. Dammit.

kathryn said...

Lauren: I LOVE that idea! I say we go ahead with plans for Nodrama...I don't even think we need to put it to a vote. I shall pack my bags and move there immediately. As for your not being able to comment from home? And not feeling the bloggy-love? Say it ain't so! I've no idea WHY it's doing this to some people/some of the time...but I wish it would just STOP. (Part of the Nodrama rule, I think.)

kathryn said...

sage: Hey, my friend! So, you're losing your freakin' mind as well?? I feel your pain. As I've said before, we're all in need of some serious downtime. I think we should all take a trip to NoDrama. (Thanks, Lauren...that name is totally growing on me!)

kathryn said...

Hannah: Thank you, sweetie! It's so lovely to be missed. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about you guys. This place is definitely my virtual home...and I love when I have visitors!

kathryn said...

John McElveen: And I love you, as well. You've made me smile and laugh and sigh reading your comment. There's no better feeling that that! I'm glad you guys know that I'll always be back. Even if it does take me a while...

kathryn said...

snoble24: Thank you, sweetie. I really appreciate the comment and the sweet thought. It really means a lot!

Angelina said...

I know how you feel and could have had that same conversation, albeit, not as entertaining. Enjoy your weekend.

Kristy said...

You sound tired. You've been taking care of others, now take care of yourself. Love to you!

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