Thursday, January 13, 2011

On the Brink

I’m here…but just barely. When Taylor (18) came home for Christmas/college break, he moved into my office.

Clinton Kelly (My magical, invisible, oft-nowhere-to-be-found, IV): “Well to be fair, it was his room before it was your office.”

Kathryn (Crosses arms): “I don’t care. You don’t get a say. I hate you.”

CK (Confused): “What?? Why?? That’s a terrible thing to say. You can’t hate me. I’m your inner voice. We banter. You looove me.”

K: “Nope. I’m done. It snowed. You skee-daddled to Hawaii. You left me…here…in the freakin’ snow.”

CK (Sighs): “You make it sound like I abandoned you sprawled in a snow bank. I didn’t go anywhere warm. I wouldn’t do that to you, after your monumental hissy fit of ’09.”

K: “Oh, really? What’s this photo on Facebook, then?”

Photo from Clinton Kelly's Facebook Page

CK: “……………………………………………………………”

K: “Uh-huh. Thought so. Here I’m working my ass offtrying to provide a nice home for you…”

CK: “What the hell? Seriously?? This is bizarre. Okay, let’s dial it back to halfway to crazyville. Breathe. You’re obviously seriously discombobulated by the loss of the sanctity of your office space and the recent deposit of a massive amount of snow.”

K (Takes deep breath): “Uh-huh. I can’t find anything…”

CK: “I know. Here, have another glass of wine. Wow. That bottle didn’t last very long…”

K: “…and my desk is a TV tray and I’ve got important papers taped to my armoire that need to be addressed and my Post-it use has gotten completely out of control and I don’t even see the bright neon colors anymore, Clinton…”

CK: (Nods sympathetically) “I hate to say this…but I think Taylor needs to go back.”

K (Staring at nothing in particular): “I think Taylor needs to go back…”

CK: “Maybe you’re right. For the sake of your sanity…and subsequently all of ours…”

K: “Perhaps I can sneak into his room later and do some reconnaissance-filing? Just to hold me over till next weekend?”

CK: “Or. You could cut yourself some slack and stop stressing. Pay the bills… go to work…take a multi…just chill.”

K: “Yeah, easy for you to say…Mr. Hawaii-pants. You’re dead to me.”

CK: “Do you want me to open another bottle?”

K: “Please.”

CK: “I’ll do it if you say you forgive me.”

K: “Okay.”

CK: “Wow. That was easy….maybe I should have held out for a vaca---. Never mind. I’m good.”

K: “Damn straight, you are. Now, help me find the electric bill….”

(Stay tuned for the Googlelicious Giveaway next week. Whee! Can't wait. Now, help me find my camera...)

Kimberly said...

Oh to be in Hawaii instead of waiting for the Alberta Clipper that is heading our way. Lucky guy!

Googlelicious? Love it!

Lauren said...

I'm sorry Clinton betrayed you like that. I think just to make him nervous, you should shop around for a new IV. Someone who'll be there for you, not flee to tropical locations and may even be willing to help your son pack. ...he's not reading this is he?

Lynn said...

Oh dear...I think YOU need a vaca...

Christopher said...

Gotta love a woman thats easily bribed with alcohol. It's like chocolates you can share.

Gigi said...

Are you telling me Clinton left you (and by "you" I mean "you & me") here in this godforsaken weather and went to Hawaii??? This is totally unacceptable. Totally.

A good IV would have taken us with him. *sniff*

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

I think it's hilarious that your inner voice is a style guru. Does he know this? Ever drop by as an outer voice, too?

Dorn said...

Oh how quickly we forget...a mere five months ago the agony of his parting was still a fresh cut. This is reality. "Nope, you've already left, there is NOOOO coming back. Find a hotel." Though I don't recall your IV's advice during those days, so maybe the cold wasn't the only thing he left you in. Kick his tail for that too!

.end transmission. said...

Oh come on, you love having him there. The dirty boxers on the floor, the empty bag of Doritos on your keyboard that's been there for two weeks, the scent of AXE and ass....

Okay, send him back. I'm sending you a nice pack of neon Post Its...

Kelly@MentalGarbage said...

I love the Clinton Kelly posts :-) Cracks me up

Betsy (formerly Gingerella) said...

Your inner-dialogue cracks me up! :) *passes the wine*

Lily Johnson said...

CK is so lucky to have you Kat. You are gorgeous, you let him drive you nuts and then you make him pour you a drink.
I gave you The Stylish and Versatile Blogger awards. Do visit my blog for more information. Thanks

Jen said...

Ooh, another giveaway? Sounds like fun. I think you've gotten a little to used to the son being off at college. I don't blame you. I'd want my space back too.

kathryn said...

Kimberly: Yup. Googlelicious. You've no idea how long I've been waiting to use that word. An Alberta Clipper? I thought that was a boat. it sounds bad, though...like a Nor'easter for us.

Lauren: Ha! Nope. Taylor's not reading this. That's because he's HERE. He only reads me when he misses me...and he can't miss me if he's HERE. I'll tell him you'll be by to help him pack.

Lynn: Hey, you! I DO need a vaca! Wanna come? I say we ditch the kiddios and get us some gal time. You know you want to!

Lauren said...

You want me to help him pack? Ewww! Boy's clothes! Can I send Rochester or Robert instead?

kathryn said...

Christopher: Ha! I like the way you think! (I think...) Between cocktails and chocolate, we're covering all the major food groups, right? Right!

Gigi: Yes. He left us behind. I completely agree with you, dear. I was justifiably horrified when I realized he'd taken off without us. I mean, really. Pack your bags. I do believe us girls need to get out of here.

Cathy Webster (Olliffe): Ha! Yes...and yes. He's been my IV since I began this here blog...he was actually mentioned in the very first post! He says he thinks being my IV is "hilarious...scary, but hilarious". I have to agree...it is a little freaky to hear his voice in my head at odd times.

kathryn said...

Dorn: Ha! Oh, my IV has been around since my start here...he just comes and goes as he pleases. He's a typical GUY. (Ahem) He's opinionated, independent and can be painfully condescending. No offense, of course!

.end transmission: Oh, BOY. I LOVE the neon ones...can you make 'em the extra-sticky ones? (GOD...I've just realized how dirty that sounds.) We're talking Post-its here! I think. Gotta get my own mind out of the gutter!

Kelly@MentalGarbage: Ha! I'm glad. Clinton's been MIA for a while. I can forgive a lot...but Hawaii?...without me? Lucky dawg! What was he thinking??

kathryn said...

Betsy (formerly Gingerella): Aw. Thanks for the wine and the compliment, sweetie! Always good to see you!

Lily Johnson: Well thank you! So sweet of you to say...and so incredibly astute of you as well. You've perfectly summed up CK's and my complicated relationship perfectly. I shall stop by for a visit asap!

Jen: Yup...another giveaway...and it's the best kind: A Google giveaway. Who wouldn't love that? And yeah, I'll be needing my office back sooner rather than later. That doesn't make me a bad mom...does it?

kathryn said...

Lauren: Oh, c'mon! It's not bad if you hold your nose. Granted...it's harder to pack with one hand. Just don't think about the "boy-cooties" and then it's not so bad. I do believe that Rochester will be more of a pain than a help, don't you think??

Alicia said...

Clinton really needs to comb his hair..even if he is on vacation! Kiddo...next time you go to Hawaii with him!

Climb2Nowhere said...

Very funny! I love Clinton! What not to wear is the best. Good late night watching!

John McElveen said...

You put a spell on me.....

I'm hooked--YOU are the Best!

Hawaii John cow-a banga, dudette! Where are my pills?

CK-- You seen my pills????

Tinkerschnitzel said...

I hope your dear man goes back to college soon, if he hasn't already. (I know, I'm a bit late and trying to get caught up.) Deep breaths!

Kristy said...

Just start spending a lot of time in the office. A lot. Maybe he'll leave a little sooner!

Gay Guy said...

Ha-why-where?

Sounds nice. But I feel betrayed that we're here still.

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