Warp Speed

There’s definitely something amiss…the time continuum is somehow malfunctioning in the oddest of ways.

I am losing huge chunks of time…and I’ve no clue where they have gone. Now, I know that everyone’s been thrown by the turning of the calendar from August to September. I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure we bitch the same old tune every year:

Memorial Day: “WOOHOO. Finally! I thought summer would never get here! Can’t wait for all those sum- - - -“

Labor Day: “ - - -mer….wait. What? Nooooooo….this can’t be right. I was gonna learn the names of all the constellations in the eastern hemisphere! I’d planned on working out every other day, maintaining a sun-kissed glow, keeping ahead of the weeds in the garden and photographing butterflies, birds and little baby chipmunks…sunning themselves in the steamy afternoon haze of summer. Articles would be researched, written and published…rinse and….repeat. There’s still propane left in my barbeque grill, for God’s sake!!"

Now I realize that the assignment she sent me two weeks ago was really an entire month ago. A month! Are you freakin’ kidding me? There must be something wrong with the date on this thing…..(she taps impatiently on the edge of laptop, causing it to display error message and threaten to reboot….causing this author a moment of extreme and utter panic, for of the 17 windows presently opened, she has saved approximately…three. She is chagrined.)

Crap. Crap. What the hell?

The school year officially begins one week from tomorrow. You’d think the boys were being executed in a week, by their expressions. Just a hint of what’s to come sends their heads to hanging low and the most pathetic, self-pitying expression to cross their faces.

Connor (12): “What are the odds of someone getting sick on the first day of school?”

Taylor (17) Crosses arms….smiles….silent.

Me: “About one in a million. I do believe students are required to attend the first day, even if five minutes before the bus arrives you’ve coughed up a lung. Seriously. I read that in one of the packets.”

Connor stares…eyes wide…waiting for me to smile. Taylor’s staring at the floor…and I can see he’s biting the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling.

I shrug. Throw up my hands, as if to say “What’re ya gonna do? Rules are rules….” And I walk away.

Hey. We’ve got to start off the school year on the right foot.