The Other White Meat

Breaking News!

Deputies Say Naked Man Broke Into Homes - Man Arrested Wearing Woman’s Clothes

So…wait. Was he naked? Or, was he wearing clothing? See below!

- Jefferson County, Colorado

Sheriff's deputies arrested a 24-year-old man who they said broke into two homes and was wearing women's clothes.

Okay. So, he was definitely wearing clothes. Why do I feel strangely disappointed? But, wait!

Clinton S. March faces two counts each of second-degree burglary, indecent exposure and theft.

Well, the “indecent exposure” part sounds promising. Proceed.

Deputies said they received a 911 call from a woman who said Clinton broke into her home near 7th Avenue and Isabelle Street in Golden just before 7 a.m.

I’m listening. Thanks for giving her address, by the way. I’m sure she appreciates it.

The woman said Clinton wasn't wearing any clothes when she found him. She screamed and he ran away wearing only a sheet, said Jacki Kelley of the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office.
Clinton ran around the corner and entered a second home through an unlocked sliding glass door, Kelly said.

Okay. Who doesn’t lock their doors anymore? Anyone?? I mean, seriously…you’re just asking for some toga-draped, buck-naked guy to waltz into your dining room just before 7am on a Monday morn’ if you don’t lock da door. I mean, really.

According to the second homeowner, Clinton disrupted items throughout the house and then put on women's underwear, a nightgown, stockings and a scarf.

Huh. So this guy “Clinton” took the time to don stockings? Or were they pantyhose? And how do stockings go with a nightgown and a scarf? What was he thinking?

The homeowner said she found him in the bathroom leaning over the tub.

Can I hazard a guess? Do you mind? ‘Cause you know I’m going to. “Clinton” was dressed to the nines in the most fetching of undies….consisting of a Frederick’s of Hollywood ensemble affectionately called “Destiny’s Forbidden Paradise”, topped off with thigh-high fishnets, garters and a chartreuse pashmina scarf. Parading around the unfamiliar home, he passes by the just-filled Jacuzzi tub and becomes mesmerized by the reflection of this Adonis-In-Drag staring back at him. Since his feet were killing him in those 4” stilettos anyway, he knelt down to gaze upon this fashionably perfect specimen. THAT’S when the homeowner walked in.

Clinton left the house and was arrested by deputies in the front yard.

I love the way the newspaper is on a first-name basis with this dude. “Clinton” has left da house….albeit casually. “Clinton” is arrested by deputies in the front yard.

“Clinton” is so screwed.