If You Please

When I was growing up, our family dinner table acted as a virtual classroom in teaching us the ways of proper mealtime etiquette. We were told that you do not put elbows on the table, chew with your mouth full or reach across the table in an attempt to pilfer the last dinner roll. That’s just the way it was. I can only assume that having a teacher for a mom meant she’d seen her share of dysfunctional offspring...and I guess she decided we were not joining the ranks of them.

As an adult, I truly believe that the sign of a well-mannered individual is one who will allow someone to pull in front of you on a busy street, will pick up your umbrella when you drop it and will say “bless you” to a stranger when they sneeze. That’s just the way I am.

I am relatively certain, however, that I would not attack someone with a golf club if they failed to follow my own internal guidelines for modern day decorum:

Teed Off Man Uses Golf Club in Clash Over Manners

Feb 18, 9:31pm (ET)

Falmouth, Mass. (AP) – A man faces assault charges after allegedly striking another man with a golf club in an argument over manners. Police told the Cape Cod Times that a 50-year-old man leaving a gas station in town on Monday morning held the door open for a 38-year-old man.

Police said the 38-year-old man did not thank the other man, who responded by uttering a sarcastic “thank you.”

The two men got into an argument before the 38-year-old went to his car to get a golf club, which he allegedly used to strike the victim several times in the stomach and legs. Police said the victim suffered minor injuries.

The 38-year-old man pleaded not guilty to assault and battery with a dangerous weapon in Falmouth District Court on Tuesday and was ordered to stay away from the other man.

Well. There are several trains of thought on this story.

First, had the 38-year-old had his morning coffee? Or, was he possibly feeling somewhat…um, irregular…and had merely stopped at the Quik Mart for some much-needed prune juice to clean out the ole’ pipes? I mean, you’d have to cut him some slack under those circumstances.

Second, how do you suppose this went down? I mean, so they’re arguing:

38-year-old guy: “I don’t owe you nuthin. Get outta my face, or you’ll be sorry.”

50-year-old guy: “What are you gonna do? Get a dangerous weapon out of your cah and assault me with it?”

38-year-old guy: “Hang on a sec. Stay right there. I’ll be right back.”

(50-year-old guy stands there patiently…breathing heavily…face all red and puffy…playing out a million snappy comebacks in his head for when the other guy finally returns to pick up where they’ve left off…watching 38-year-old-guy walk back to his cah, pop the trunk, pull out a nine-iron and walk indignantly back into the Quik Mart)

Then the 38-year-old guy proceeds to beat the crap out of the other guy.

Then they call for police backup.

Law enforcement arrives, tells the 38-year-old to stay away from the 50-year-old and confiscates the nine-iron.

The moral of the story? If you’re going to beat the crap out of someone with a golf club, remember to use a driver…and get at least 3 servings of fiber a day.